Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the biggest concerns that separated wives have is communication. These wives know that it will be nearly impossible to reconcile without healing communication. But they are often dealing with a husband who is not as receptive as desired. The husbands typically don’t want to communicate as often as the wife wants, or in the manner that she prefers. Sometimes, after attempting communication, the wife gets the cold shoulder or is flat-out rebuffed. Understandably, this makes her reluctant to try again. She’s afraid that he’ll begin keeping her at arm’s length, so her attempts at communication may make things worse.

She might say, “I honestly didn’t consider that talking to or seeing my separated husband would be such a big deal when he told me that he was going to crash with other people for a while to take some time away from our marriage. My biggest concern was whether I could trust him, so of course I wanted to be in regular contact, just for reassurance. Well, he obviously doesn’t want that much contact because he’s been ignoring some of my texts, he doesn’t always pick up my calls, and when I do manage to get him on the phone, he ends the conversation as soon as possible and talks about nothing of importance. I gave up and went by where he was staying to see him and to have a face-to-face conversation. He got so frustrated with my trying to pull information out of him that he suggested I allow him to call me the next time. So I gave it a few days, and I haven’t heard from him. It’s obviously time to reach out again, but I have no idea how to do this safely so that he will be somewhat receptive to me. How do you reach out to a separated husband when he doesn’t seem all that happy to hear from you?”

Consider Where You’re Starting: How you reach out should be somewhat dictated by where you are starting. For example, if your husband seemed relatively happy to hear from you and had initiated contact on his own, then you wouldn’t need to be as careful about contact. But if he’s obviously been avoiding you (or is clearly not happy to hear from you when you reach out,) then you’ll likely need to take a more gradual approach.

In this case, the husband didn’t seem to be receptive to non-scheduled contact. This isn’t necessarily completely bad news. Because this type of reluctance is EXTREMELY common amongst husbands who have asked for space. When he believes that you’re trying to communicate too much, he’ll try to discourage you with his reactions. He may be afraid that you’re not going to give him the distance for which he’s asked.

To ease him from this stance, you’ll have to act more gradually and be more deliberate. When he is reluctant, it is helpful to allow him to initiate contact, if possible. If he doesn’t, then you have to be careful when you strategically initiate it, which leads me to my next point.

Try Clever, Light Communication That Allows For A Flexible Response: I know that short, light communication may seem like the last thing that you want. But you have to crawl before you can walk. And you have to walk before you can run. There may be times where you just have to accept what he is going to give you in order to maintain regular communication. And you may have to re-define what you consider communication. There were times when I just had to send a “thinking about you and hoping your day is going okay,” text with no expectations of a favorable response. There were also times when my husband would take his sweet time in responding, not respond at all, or give responses that left me disappointed.

This is admittedly frustrating, but sometimes, the key is to not make a bad situation worse. So many times, I would push when my separated husband was lukewarm. What do you think happened? I’d get even less communication than I would have had with a little patience. Yes, sitting and waiting with no response is frustrating and scary. But having a husband actively avoiding you because you pushed too much is even worse.

If the light text strategy isn’t working, you can always wait a bit and then try sending a funny, lighthearted card with a simple, “thinking about you.”

Or send a photo with an implied inside joke or message which you know will make him laugh or smile. It doesn’t need to be romantic in nature. In fact, sometimes, it’s best if it’s not.

He can answer this in any way that he wants. Try for messages that can be interpreted as sweet or as just casual, so that you stand less of a chance of overstepping or of him taking things the wrong way.

Sometimes, you just need to give this some time so that he gets the benefit of perspective.

Don’t Overstep When Things Start To Go Well: There is one bit of good news. You can only go up from here. Hopefully, as you try a lighter approach, he will eventually become a bit more receptive to you, and communication will increase in both quality and quantity. It always feels really good when he begins reaching out to you. And it’s tempting to feel like you want to pick up the pace. After all, you’ve had less communication than you’ve wanted for quite some time. So isn’t it time to make up for lost time?

This is a very common mistake, but it can be costly. When your husband finally lets down his guard, it’s often because he feels it’s safe to do so. But if you pounce the second that things get better, he can back away again. So continue with a light-hearted approach. If he wants to take it to the next level, he will let you know. (And it can be even more powerful if he is the one who initiates a faster pace.)

When you find a pace and strategy that is working and allows you to make progress, stay with it until your husband lets you know that he wants to move more quickly. I know that I am asking for a lot. I know that this all requires patience. But patience with the promise of progress is better than the alternative. At least when you move gradually, things will often get better. When you don’t, things can (and sometimes do) get worse.

I would never suggest that you don’t try to reach out to your separated husband. You should. Communication is vitally important. But sometimes, you have to be deliberate and patient. Learn to read his cues so that you go at the pace where he’s receptive. Because when he’s receptive, you can begin to move forward.

Go with the strategy that gives you a chance at progress – even it requires discipline and patience.

I know this is hard.  But I’m telling you this because my insistence on pushing specific communication on a non-receptive husband almost meant I had no chance to reconcile.  Luckily, I was able to back-track, but my mistakes cost me time and frustration.  You can read the story of how I turned things around at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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