Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who, seemingly all of a sudden, are shocked at the state of their marriage.  Sometimes, you seem to be kind of coasting along, and then something will happen which will jolt you to a shocking reality.  Your marriage is visibly shaken or altered and you have no idea how this happened.

For many, this happens after you have been married for a while.  Perhaps your children get older and so you now have the luxury of turning your attention to your marriage, only to find that it has changed.  Or maybe your spouse is starting to act differently.  Or you are finding yourself feeling differently.  Whatever the reason, sometimes you find yourself with a marriage that you don’t recognize.  And you don’t exactly know how this happened.  So you aren’t sure how to fix it.

Someone might say: “All of a sudden I turned around and I have a marriage that is unrecognizable to me.  Admittedly, my husband and I have had some struggles for the past several years, trying to juggle rambunctious teenagers along with our very demanding jobs.  This meant that we sometimes had to coast. But now one of our kids has moved out and the other doesn’t need us nearly as much.  So now is the time that we should be finally having some fun.  We’ve started trying to go out more, but it’s been a disaster.  We sit across from one another at a restaurant and there are literally crickets.  It’s so awkward.  We’re OK in front of the TV, but what kind of life is that?  When it’s time to really connect or to really talk, it is like we are strangers.  I mentioned this to my husband, hoping that he would tell me not to worry or that I was reading too much into the whole thing.  But he didn’t do any of those things.  In fact, he told me that it’s pretty obvious that we have grown apart and that our marriage is in trouble.  I never thought that I would see my marriage as a broken one.  But I guess it’s undeniable.  I know that I need to fix this.  But I don’t know what went wrong.  No one really did anything heinous, but it’s like we’re strangers.

Vague Problems Are Just As Problematic As Identifiable Ones: This is extremely common.  In fact, much of the issues that I hear about come with no identifiable problem.  Sure, there are plenty of couples that have a very obvious issue – like money, trust, or sex.  But there are just as many who have simply grown apart through neglect, life getting in the way, or one or both people changing.   Just because you can’t immediately identify a concrete problem, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need to be addressed.  Vague reasons like a lack of closeness or a lackluster marriage cause just as many separations and divorces as identifiable problems like infidelity.

Small Improvements (That You Can Achieve Alone) Make Big Differences: Even if you can’t put your finger on the problem, there are things that you can start doing anyway – and you can do these things all alone.  As I learned the hard way, almost every marriage can benefit from more time and more attention.  You can start this process by just watching and reflecting for a couple of days.  What bothers you the most?  What do you notice as being the most problematic? Do you notice anything that your spouse is visibly reacting to in either positive or negative ways? Then make a list, starting with the biggest issues and move on to the smaller ones. You will use this list to methodically make small changes as you are able. And no, you can’t force him to make changes right along beside you, but often when YOU make small changes that lead to noticeable improvements, he will get with the program because he now sees that your marriage is not hopeless.

Time, Attention, And Effort Go A Long Way: Observing may give you more information, but even if it doesn’t, any marriage can be improved with concentrated attention.  Because much of the time, the deterioration that you are experiencing (however it manifests itself) is at least partly due to neglect.  Please don’t take that the wrong way.  “Neglect” sounds so negative, but it is so typical.

No one can give the marriage the same care and attention as they did when they were newlyweds, especially when there are jobs, children, and responsibilities thrown into the mix.  This is normal and it does not mean that you are a neglectful person. But it can mean that now is the time to turn your attention back to your marriage.  There is a real inclination to be afraid of the awkwardness and the sense of failure and to back away and go back in your shell.  DON’T.  Keep trying.  Keep talking.  Keep going back again.

This man may feel like a stranger today.  But he is still your husband and the father of your children.  He is the person who has walked beside you and held you steady all of this time.  He deserves a marriage that is as good as you can make it.  You deserve that, too.

Use Your Advantages: Yes, it’s scary and depressing when your marriage is struggling.  But it’s also a sign to get busy and to get to work. The good news is that, as you mentioned, you now have the luxury of time.  You can devote more attention to this, since your kids aren’t as needy.  That’s wonderful news.  I know that it feels scary and discouraging to admit that your marriage has changed.  But marriages can and do change back.  Give it the attention, time, and care that you did at the beginning or early days and you will get the feelings, conversations, and intimacy that you got in the early days.  I’ve seen it happen over and over again.  It isn’t easy.  It can be awkward.  And it requires patience and diligence.  But isn’t your marriage worth that?

I learned all of this the hard way.  Because of neglect and no real plan to change or fix things, my husband and I ended up separated.  That’s why it is my belief that it’s much easier to fix things early on than to save your marriage once it is in trouble.  You can read more about how I finally got my husband back on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin