Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are trying to return their marriage back to a good place after their husband has been hinting or saying directly that he’s just not happy anymore. The wife often doesn’t know where or how to begin but she knows that she has to do something soon before her marriage reaches the point of no return.

I recently heard from a wife who said “my husband sat me down a few days ago and told me that he wasn’t happy anymore. He says that we’re no longer the same people and we no longer have the same marriage. He says he remembers when we used to rush home to each other because we couldn’t stand to be apart, but now all we worry about is our kids and our jobs. He says our physical relationship has gone cold and he isn’t as physically attracted to me as he used to be. I asked what I can do to make him happy again and he said he doesn’t know if it’s even possible. He says its impossible to turn back the clock and make us happy again like we were before. I don’t want to believe this. We are the two same people we always were. Yes, we have more stress in our lives now, but I still love him and want my marriage. So how can I make things good between us again when he’s telling me that it may not even be possible?”

There are admittedly many issues at play here but I’m living proof that it’s certainly possible to make your marriage good again when it’s at its lowest point. But it’s often not without a lot of work and concentrated effort while ignoring the things that don’t matter as much as you might think. I will discuss this more below.

Don’t Expect For Things To Become Genuinely Good Again Over Night (Unless You Want For Things To Feel Forced.) Rebuilding Your Marriage Takes Time: One of the biggest mistakes that I see in these types of situations is that wives will panic and try to overcompensate. Of course, they don’t want to lose their husband or their marriage. So they feel as if they have to fix it right away, almost seemingly overnight.

The problem, of course, is that your marriage didn’t deteriorate overnight so it’s probably not going to be fixed overnight either. The stressors that this couple was now having to deal with had whittled away at their closeness and chemistry. These things can return with a little care and determination. But you need to have patience. Because if you push too hard, you run the risk of things feeling alienated and awkward. Understand that you will have the most success if you begin small and build from there.

Start Where You Already Are: Even the worst marriage or the most unhappy husbands have bright spots somewhere. Maybe it is your children or the fact that you can still laugh together or remember your inside jokes. Maybe there’s still a spark of attraction or chemistry. Whatever it is that is still there, try very hard to focus on the good rather than the bad. Many couples will try to get the good back by focusing on the bad, which is completely backward.

What I mean by that is that people feel as if they need to solve their problems before they can be happy again. Often, what they do not realize is that if they can be happy again first, then their marital problems will be much easier to solve. So instead of focusing on all of your problems, focus on all that is right and rebuild from the bottom up rather than the opposite.

Understand That You Need To Make The Process Pleasurable Rather Than Painful: When your marriage is in jeopardy, it can feel as if you need to get down to immediate and serious business. And frankly, they don’t anticipate having a whole lot of fun. That is really the wrong approach in my experience. Making your marriage good again is challenging enough without feeling defeated before you even begin. Try to have the best, most fun-loving attitude that you possibly can.

You want for this to be enjoyable. You want to rediscover your spouse and have fun doing it. Show your husband that funny, playful, and vibrant woman he fell in love with. Yes, you are a mom. Yes, you have a stressful job. But you are a wife too and it’s important to show him you still remember and value that. Flirt with him. Listen to him. Appreciate him. Be physical with him. Slowly, as you begin to be very conscious of these things, you may be surprised to see that things are beginning to be good again and, as the result, he’s starting to become happier in the marriage as well.

In my own marriage, it was my own husband who wasn’t happy. As I alluded to, I tried to make things good again by focusing on solving all of our problems and not only did this not work, it made things worse. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I managed to save my marriage after making many mistakes on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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