Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I do get a lot of correspondence from people who are either just beginning a marital separation or those who are going through one but who feel like things just aren’t going right. People often think that they are doing things all wrong. While so much that happens during a separation is unplanned and include reactions to things that your spouse says and does, I believe that there is definitely a way to approach the separation (and a way to act during it) that gives you the greatest chance of success. Every marriage and separation is different, of course. And this is only my opinion, but I believe the suggestions below are sound and likely to help in many cases.

Communication Is Vital But Don’t Overdo It: One of the biggest mistakes that I see is people waiting for the other person to be the one to call, reach out, or check in. Admittedly, sometimes the whole purpose of the separation is to get some space and distance. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to go weeks or longer without any communication whatsoever with your spouse. Even if you are trying to give one another space, you probably still want to at least check in regularly. And the reason for this is that it doesn’t take long with no communication at all to just assume your spouse doesn’t care.  It’s very common to feel isolated and to get into the habit of being on your own. Once this happens, many people assume that there is no healing their marriage when that might not be the case at all.

Now I admit that I often encourage people to back away when the communication is going so poorly that it is doing more harm than good. I still stand behind this. If every time you and your spouse try to communicate you say nasty things to one another, then, it makes sense to not continue on in the same way to make things worse. But you don’t want to take this too far and completely go silent on your spouse for the long term.

In short, you will have to constantly evaluate. If things are going well, you can keep the same communication schedule or increase it a little. If things are not going well, sometimes it makes sense to give a little more space. But you never want to completely cut off all communication on a long term basis.

Actively Try To Improve Your Relationship As Your Marriage Can Withstand It. Don’t Just Idly Hope For The Best: Counseling can be a wonderful way to ensure that you are trying to strengthen your relationship during the separation. But, this doesn’t always happen because sometimes, one or both people or opposed or resistant to it. And sometimes, things are so volatile that it’s just not feasible.

However, even if you are not doing counseling, you can still make sure that you are actively trying to improve the relationship between you. This might mean that you find and pursue your own marital self-help. It might mean that you just accept that right now, baby steps are appropriate and you just try to improve the way that you communicate and relate to one another. It might mean that you compromise more and criticize less.

However you do it though, the goal is to improve things between you. Now, I know that sometimes your spouse may be resistant to this. But you don’t have to come out and announce it. You can simply make it clear that although you don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring in terms of your marriage, you value your relationship and your spouse enough that you want to be on better terms with them no matter what the future holds.

Don’t Allow The Strain And Stress Of The Unknown To Erode Your Relationship: It’s very common for people to panic and get stressed out during their separation. After all, you no longer know what your spouse is doing. And you can only guess as to what they are feeling and what they really want. These unknowns can sometimes contribute to people assuming the worst. And when that happens, then bad behavior usually follows. This cycle can erode your marriage and decrease your chances for a reconciliation before you know it. I believe that it’s incredibly important to stay positive and upbeat during this time. Not only does it make this process easier, but it is just human nature to want to be around and receptive to people who are positive rather than negative.

As You Are Able, Try To Approach This As An Opportunity: Many people assume that a separation is going to be the worst period of time their marriage has ever seen. Honestly, this isn’t a given. Many couples rediscover each other during this time. Because they miss one another, they are determined not to take one another for granted. They suddenly see their spouse more clearly and in a more positive light. They begin to date again and laugh more.

Don’t close yourself off to this possibility.  Many separations end with a reconciliation.  There is no reason to just assume the worst.  There were many days when I was sure that there was no way my husband and I would ever reconcile.  But very slowly, as I implemented very directed strategies, things got better and we are still married today.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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