Leslie Cane Articles

I would never pretend that my marital separation was not one of the most painful periods of my life. It absolutely was. But, during the latter part of it, I learned to let go of attachments and expectations. This change in thinking eventually helped with my reconciliation. Looking back now, I wish I’d used some of the targeted tactics that I employ today to alleviate my pain and unhappiness. Below, I’ll explain some of these tactics in the hopes that it may help anyone who is struggling through a separation.

Examine Any Negative Underlying Beliefs: Without a doubt, the biggest assumptions that drove my behavior were: “Things are never going to change. My husband probably doesn’t love me anymore and I’m going to end up divorced and alone.” These fears clouded every single move I made. They caused me to constantly either hound my husband for reassurances or to lash out at him out of anger. As you might imagine, this behavior did not improve my marriage. Thankfully, I eventually learned to question my assumptions. Who said that things would never change? Only my husband knew how he felt about me and, frankly, his feelings often changed. So who was I to guess at this? And in truth, no one can predict the future, yet I was acting like a had a crystal ball. When I forced myself to challenge these underlying beliefs, my suffering lessened and my behavior changed.

Do Not Get Into the Habit Of Engagement Or Rumination: These two things probably caused most of my anxiety and turmoil during my own separation. As I alluded to above, I was very prone to focusing on the negative. So one poor conversation or interaction with my husband would set me off for days. Rather than just shrugging it off and telling myself I’d look for improvements next time, I’d run the conversation through my head countless times, only upsetting myself further when I could change nothing. I’d write in my journal and focus on what went wrong. So I would go round and round in my own misery. And I couldn’t figure out why journaling made me feel worse instead of better (until I learned to do therapeutic journaling instead of ruminative journaling.) If you catch yourself with these circular thoughts, figure out how to distract yourself to stop the loop. I would go for a jog, listen to classical music, clean my house, or call a friend to stop myself from continuing the cycle.

Understand That We Need The Lows To Appreciate The Highs: There were days during my separation where I felt rage because I was frustrated that nothing ever went right. In truth, I was focused on the negative, so I didn’t notice when things went my way. Eventually, a very astute therapist told me that my expectations were unrealistic. She said that everyone’s life is a mix of good and bad. (Yes, everyone.) Sure, there are periods of time when the balance of good and bad is tilted. But, life would be pretty dull if we had sunshine and rainbows every single day. Imagine if you got straight A’s or aced your work projects without ever having to struggle or work hard. Eventually, you’d no longer feel the joy of a job well done because your success took no effort at all. It is the lows that make the highs feel so good. You can only appreciate the good times when you have also felt the bad. I know that you are tired of the bad. But life has a way of balancing out, so the good is likely just ahead.

Try To Detach Yourself From A Set Outcome: Unfortunately for me, I was extremely specific about my desired outcome during my own separation. I would think to myself, “I’d like to be reconciled by my mom’s birthday because I don’t want to go to her party by myself.” Of course, my mom’s birthday came and went and we were not reconciled. So I used that as one more opportunity to feel defeat and negativity. Life is going to be much easier if you are hopeful but open-minded. The better way for me to view my mother’s birthday would have been, “I’d like to be reconciled by my mother’s birthday. But if not, I can certainly attend a gathering with people who love me alone. And I’d rather have a lasting reconciliation than a rushed one. Everything will happen in the time frame that it is supposed to.” If my mind had been open, my behavior toward my husband may have been more positive and I would have gotten my reconciliation earlier. (You can read about when (and how) I actually got it at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

Learn To Find Contentment With What Is: I know how badly you probably want your husband back. I did too. But my constantly pushing against this desire made it less likely to come true. I have learned to go with the tide instead of against it. No matter what your circumstances, you can always find contentment if you focus on the ways that you are lucky. Yes, I was separated, and that was a painful situation. It changed my life in unfortunate ways. But, I still had my life. I still had my family. I still had my friends. And my work. And my health. And the ability to see, hear and feel. And enough food in my kitchen as well as a roof over my head. I had books that I suddenly had the time to read. I had a sharp mind that I was able to use to learn new things. Thankfully, I have gotten in the habit of keeping daily tabs on what is going right in my life instead of what is going wrong. Yes, there will always be a mix of good and bad. But often, our feelings reflect our thoughts. And we can CHOOSE where to focus our thoughts. Once you realize that, everything changes. I hope that this article was helpful.

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