Leslie Cane Articles

Many people are reluctantly separated. Many of them only accepted a separation because it was clear their spouse would not be talked out of his desire to separate – at least for a while. And, for many, separation is a better alternative than going straight for a divorce. So while these folks reluctantly agreed to live separately and pause their marriage, they aren’t overly optimistic about the future, either. Many of them worry that they will eventually end up alone because their separated spouse will never come back. Understandably, this causes fear, anxiety, and dread.

Someone might ask, “How are you supposed to deal with unrelenting fears about your future while separated? My separation is not going as well as I’d hoped. My husband does not make himself available to me. He keeps to himself. So I don’t feel like we are making enough progress. I’m too scared to ask him if or when he’s coming home, but I doubt it will be any time soon. I’m starting to fear that he won’t ever come back. Six weeks ago, I never would have believed such a reality would be possible. And yet, that’s the way that it looks. So I’m currently struggling with overwhelming fear. I worry about being alone. I worry about how horrible life will be as a single person. I worry about my family. These concerns are affecting my mental status and quality of life. How do you cope with the fear that your separated husband will never come home?”

I’m going to be honest. Maintaining a healthy mindset while dealing with a separation is a huge challenge. Your marriage is probably one of the most important relationships in your life – if not THE most important. When this relationship feels as if it is at risk, that hurts. I struggled greatly with such fears. But eventually, I learned that my mindset was not only holding me back personally, but it was also decreasing the odds that I would reconcile my marriage. Below are the most important things I learned about overcoming the fear that the separation will never end.

Understand The Characteristics Of Emotional Fear: It took way too much time before I understood that there are important differences between real danger and fear. True danger is when you step off a curb and see an-out-of control vehicle heading toward you. Obviously, you have a very primitive reason to feel legitimate fear. Humans are hard-wired to feel afraid as a means of self-preservation.

However, the type of fear we are talking about during a separation is emotional fear. We may have the same pounding heart and racing pulse that we’d have on that curb. But we are in no immediate danger. In fact, we may be safe in our beds with our jumbled thoughts and debilitating fears.

So what makes us feel such panic anyway? The unknown. We don’t know how (or if) this separation will end. But we know one possibility is divorce. So we begin to turn our attention to the thing we fear. Therefore, we give these thoughts huge amounts of power. Sometimes, that power causes rumination where we get in a loop of pessimistic thoughts and can’t find our way out.

It’s important to understand that the fear is composed of your thoughts. The fear is not a real, physical thing that can cause you harm. It’s all in your head, which does give you some power over it.

Challenge Any Pessimistic Assumptions: I understand that you feel as if your separation is not going as planned. I felt the same way. But I eventually did reconcile with my husband after much time and after no one thought it was possible. Every sign was telling me that my marriage was a lost cause. I was certain that eventually, I’d give up. But I was wrong. No one knows what the future holds.

Yes, maybe things don’t look great right now. But things change. When you start having thoughts such as, “I’m going to be all alone.” Or “I will end up divorced,” stop yourself. Don’t allow that loop to continue. You have not been served with finalized divorce papers. You still have time to work this out. There is no need to panic and stew in worry. Instead, change your thought to something that is both optimistic and believable, like, “I feel scared, but I have no idea what next week or next month will bring.  The coming days could actually be positive.”

Always Turn Toward Growth: I know that you don’t care about self-improvement right now. You just want your regular life back. I understand because I too just wanted to feel normal again. However, it eventually became clear that sitting around and worrying was doing me no good. I was spending all of my time stuck and assuming a bleak future. Needless to say, few people want to spend time with someone like this.

So eventually, I had no choice but to start living my life again. And when I did, I tried very hard to improve that life. Gradually, I found that staying active and constructively filling my time meant that I dwelled on my problems less intensely. As a result, my attitude and outlook greatly improved. It was probably no coincidence that this is about the time my husband became receptive to me again.

I hope I’ve shown you why it’s so important to break the pattern of fear. You must stop the loop of pessimistic thinking so that you can allow a break in the clouds.

Experiment with the actions and behaviors that make you feel better and then do them over and over again until they are a habit. Do not wallow in the worry, as tempting as that might feel. Confide in friends and family and ask them to get you out of the house or to regularly chat and offer reassurance. But don’t just talk about your separation. Expand your world so that it is not your only focus. In my experience, doing so actually improves your marital situation because you’re no longer focusing on fear and negativity.  You can read the story of how I turned my separation around on my blog here.

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