Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I don’t normally write titles like this. But I hear from wives who regretfully describe their behavior as “psycho,” especially if they are going through a break or separation. I don’t judge because I acted this very same way during my own separation. In hindsight, many of us are embarrassed and disturbed by our behavior, so we fully expect our husband to be put off (mine certainly was.) But we’re still hoping that our lapse in judgment isn’t going to completely disqualify us from reconciliation. In other words, most wives want to know if there is any way back from this huge mistake, or if they’ve messed things up for good.

A wife might say, “I’m mortified to even recount what I’ve done. It’s not like me. And all I can say is that it built up to where I’d just had enough. That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it might explain it. My husband wanted a separation, and nothing I said or did could change his mind. To make me compliant, he said that we would see and talk to each other all of the time. I trusted him. Needless to say, we do not talk and see one another regularly. We see each other rarely. And we only talk when I initiate it. And even then, it is difficult to get him to have a real conversation. I invited him to do something with me last weekend, and he begged off and told me that he was going out of town. Needless to say, I ran into him with a group of people (including some women) on the day that he was supposed to be traveling. He lied. He wasn’t out of town. He just made an excuse so that he didn’t have to spend time with me. He wanted to party instead. I admit that I was enraged. And I approached him and started yelling. And one of the women in the group told me to ‘calm down.’ This completely set me off. I got right in her face and started screaming, and I pushed her. My husband turned to the group he was with and said, ‘let’s go.’ They started walking away in the opposite direction, but I couldn’t accept this. So I followed them and continued to scream and carry on until one of my husband’s male friends told me that he would call law enforcement on me if I didn’t stop following them. Needless to say, I continued to yell until I basically tired myself out and then I sat down on the sidewalk and bawled. I calmed down the next day and I tried to call my husband, but he wouldn’t pick up. I tried to text, and he ignored me. The friend of my husband texted me and said that the women were with other males, not with my husband. I know I’ve messed up big time, and that my husband probably doesn’t want anything to do with me right now. Is there any way that I can ever get him back after acting like a complete psycho?”

There May Be A Way, But It Requires Much Restraint:  I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that there is no harm done or that you didn’t just dig a bit of a hole for yourself because you know in your heart that you did. 

But I can also tell you that it’s possible to allow things to die down and then to try to come back another day – when the situation is better.

I know that you likely feel quite desperate to get your husband to understand that you are deeply sorry and that this type of behavior won’t ever happen again. But this is a slippery slope. Because unless he is very receptive and understanding, you are likely to step in it again. And you risk making things even worse.

In my opinion and experience (because I stepped in it more than once,) it is better to back away and allow things to calm down. If you want him to know that you’re sorry, you can send a short text saying something like, “I sincerely apologize for last night. It will not happen again.” And then you have to make sure that it DOESN’T happen again. 

I realize that this can be a huge challenge. It was so hard for me not to continue to bother my husband or to act desperate. So I actually left town for a while to force my own hand. This was, quite frankly, another act of desperation. But it actually did make my husband curious enough that he was eventually receptive to me again. But – and this is very important – I let him set the pace. I no longer pushed or tried to dictate to my own fear and discomfort. And this process took longer than I wished, but I had no choice but to wait. Pushing would have depleted any tiny bit of patience my husband had left. 

Leave Your Agenda At The Door:  I completely get it. Your biggest goal right now is to get your husband back and to reconcile. That is the end goal that most of us have. And it’s very easy to allow this to dictate your every action and behavior, which is a huge problem. Because that means that you are always going to have an agenda when you deal with your husband. And he knows it. And because of this, he doesn’t take what you say or do all that seriously and sincerely.

You truly need to get a place where you lower your expectations – if just temporarily. If you can convince yourself that for right now, you’re only looking to communicate with him in a healthy way, then that is going to fundamentally change many things. Once you have success with this – and it may take a while considering where you are starting – then you will set another goal. That goal could be to very gradually increase the amount of communication. Have patience as you attempt to achieve this. Keep yourself busy with other things. Take a break from this when you need to. This process SHOULD NOT consume your life because if it does, it will show and your husband will know.

Step Back. Release Your Tight Grip: As hard as it can be to remember, you are a human being separate from your marriage. You are a daughter. You may be a sibling. You are a friend. You might be a parent or neighbor. You could be an employee or student. You are other things besides a spouse. And it helps to focus on other things while you are trying to be patient and slowly work yourself back into your spouse’s life.

If this is the center of your world, you will come on way too strong and you will be too much. I say this with compassion because I came on too strong. And I was much too much and my husband almost walked away entirely, until we eventually reconciled. (That story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

Calm it down for now. He can be the center of your world again when you reconcile. But for now, you have to back away so that you can eventually once again gain some ground. 

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