Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: From the correspondence that I get, I have to say that you can typically divide it into a couple of categories. There are the folks who have just separated and are panicked because this is all new and scary to them. And there are those for whom the separation has lingered on and on. These folks are wondering why a reconciliation is taking so long and if the length of time is going to have any bearing on the outcome.

Today, I’m going to focus on those who have just separated. I have a special place in my heart for these folks because I remember, very well in fact, just how scary this truly is. You might hear someone in this situation say: “literally, ten minutes ago, my husband left. He told me that he thinks we should separate for a while. I am literally shaking. That is how upset and shocked I am. I have never felt this upset and lost about my marriage. Things are so bad that I can’t even imagine how tomorrow or the next day is going to be. How do you get through this? How do people manage in the first day or two of their separations? How do you even put one foot in front of the other?”

First of all, you are not alone.  It is very normal to feel exactly what you are feeling right now. Many people struggle because their marriages are so important to them and because they are reacting to the fear of the unknown. Dreading the worst is something that no one wants to do. But it can feel unavoidable right now. Add that to the shock, hurt, and disappointment, and you’re often struggling greatly. I am not going to tell you that the first days of my separation were even bearable because they were not.

However, I can honestly you that I wish I had handled those first days very differently. My reaction at that time got us off to an awful start. And it portrayed me as someone I didn’t want to be. Plus, it clouded my behavior from the very beginning, which made it hard for me to change course.

I know that it’s hard to be calm when you are so afraid. I know that if you act as if you have everything under control you fear that everyone will know that you’re only pretending. But, believe it or not, I honestly think that the person most affected by your actions in the first couple of days of your separation is you.

If you focus only on what could go wrong and what you might lose, then you become a person fueled by anxiety, doubt, and fear. When you are in this state, not only do you not make good decisions, but you don’t portray yourself very favorably to the man you are hoping to get back.

Worse than that, you are telling the universe, and yourself, that you can not handle this and you are not capable. You ARE capable. Sure, things may not be like you want them to be. But things can change in time. And the way that you think and act today may very well influence your outcome tomorrow. Here are the things that I wish I’d done differently.

Realize That A Reconciliation Is Possible So There’s No Need To Panic: I think that it’s common for one of the first thoughts we have to be: “oh no, this means that in six months I’m going to be divorced. And in five years, he will probably be remarried to someone else while I will have no one. I will never find someone who I love this much and I’ll probably die alone.”

We all have thoughts like this. But I believe it’s important to try to challenge these thoughts so that they don’t tarnish your actions. People can and do reconcile from a separation every day. Separations do not automatically mean that you are going to be divorced. Tell yourself that you’re going to do everything in your power to make sure that your marriage is going to be one that not only survives the separation, but is made better for it. Nothing says you can’t be one of the couples who end up with a marriage not only intact, but improved.

Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself And Surround Yourself With Whatever Makes You Feel Better: It’s very easy to be angry with yourself right now. You wonder what might have happened if you’d only done something differently or better. That’s often thinking that is not only misdirected, but also inaccurate. You did the best that you could then and you will do the best that you can tomorrow. Don’t ask too much of yourself. Give yourself permission to surround yourself with only those things that you are going to soothe or uplift you. Don’t dwell on what is wrong and don’t isolate yourself.

Don’t Show Your Spouse Any Overblown Panic That You Might Be Feeling: You may feel as if your thought process and your fears are taking over. Many wives in this situation describe feeling “out of control” or “helpless.” That is certainly how I felt. But feeling these things on the inside does not mean that you have to display these feelings on the outside. It’s probably not best if your husband sees you falling to pieces before his eyes.

Does this mean that you have to pretend that you’re not sad or scared? No, and no one would probably whole heartedly believe this anyway. But you don’t want to act as if you’re overtaken by the fear. Everyone probably already knows that you’re sad and scared. But you can be sad and scared and yet still be able to look forward with hope and handle this as best as you can.

Know That Things May Not Be As Immediate As They Feel: I know you probably feel that you don’t have a lot of time and that you should come out plotting your next move immediately. In my observation though, people don’t get separated one day and then get divorced the next day. This process often takes weeks or longer. So you don’t need to start doing desperate things or feel so much anxiety and fear that you don’t even feel like yourself.

Give yourself a little time to calm down and gain control before you act. Often, when you act based on fear, you deeply regret your actions. Be a little more picky and deliberate with any strategies. Because once you do something you regret, it is harder to get back on track. It’s much better to wait until you’re calm and can really think things through so that you make better decisions and present yourself from a place of strength.

I wish I had headed my own advice.  I tell you these things because I pretty much did the opposite of what I just listed above.  And it was a disaster.  You can read the whole story here.

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