Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of people who tell me that their marriage is falling apart so that they are quite unhappy, and they aren’t sure if that same marriage is worth saving. Many of them believe in the theory that marriage should last forever, and they swore that they’d never give up on theirs. But, as they look around at how far things have fallen, they wonder if they might just be better off walking away.

I often hear comments like “I need to decide if my marriage is worth saving because I don’t want to continue living like this anymore. I either want to make things better or cut my losses because I don’t like all of this uncertainty and turmoil.” Or “Sometimes, I wonder if it would just be healthier for me to leave the marriage. We’ve tried many different things to improve our relationship and nothing really works. I’m not sure if we even love each other anymore. But, to be honest, I can’t bear the thought of divorcing my spouse, which is why I stay. But I can’t continue to live like this either.”

I also find that the longer that the marriage has been trouble, the more apt people are to leave it. People are often much more willing to roll up their sleeves and get to work if they are newly married than if they have been dealing with the same problematic issues for years. But, I feel that even the long-term marriages that are struggling can often be saved. And, I also honestly feel that people who have to ask if their marriage is worth saving usually truly do want to save it deep down. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be posing the question because they’d be confident in the answer. In the following article, I’ll go over some considerations and questions which I hope will help you to decide if your marriage is worth saving.

Ask Yourself Who Your Marriage Affects (And In What Ways:) Young people without children or families are often quicker to end their marriages than folks who are part of a family with children. This makes sense, of course, because ending the marriage is going to affect everyone who is associated with it. With that said, you’ll often be wise to ask yourself how the marriage is affecting those in question.

For example, people often stay married for the sake of their children. I commend this and frankly would be tempted to do the same. But, you might want to consider asking yourself how the marriage itself affects your children. There’s a big difference between a situation where the kids are in a volatile, abusive, or unhealthy environment and one where the two parents just don’t feel sparks or fireworks anymore.

Generally, my feeling has always been that children who are being abused or dangerously negatively affected by the marriage are often better off without it, whereas children with parents who just aren’t passionately “in love” often wish their parents could find a way to get their connection back.

Occasionally, I’ll speak with people who say things like “My mother adores my husband. I think she might disown me if I left the marriage.” In instances like these, you have to ask yourself how much your mother is really affected by your marriage. Your marriage really only affects the lives of those people directly living in or affected by your household. Take a look at those people and don’t worry so much about what others think.

Play The “Five Years Down The Road” Game: Rarely do people ask themselves if their marriage is worth saving when things are going well. It’s only when the going gets tough that you begin to hear questions about whether the marriage is worth saving. I once had a therapist suggest an exercise that I’ve found to be really effective.

She asked me to imagine myself propelled five years into the future when all of the problematic issues I was dealing with at that time were settled. She then asked me to imagine that I’d decided that the marriage wasn’t worth saving and had ended it. And, I’m out somewhere and I run into my husband with his new wife. We’re both happy and are both in a good place, but how do I feel when I see him with someone else? Am I happy for them and at peace, or do I feel a pang of “what ifs” and regret?

I did not even have to think about this exercise for very long. I knew immediately that I’d feel regret. I knew that the second I saw my husband being affectionate to someone else, it would be as if someone punched me in the gut because I would know that this was wrong (and not the way it was supposed to be) on many different levels.

Ask Yourself If You’re Indifferent Or At Peace With The Decision That Your Marriage Just Isn’t Worth Saving: Quite rarely, I hear from people who tell me that they’ve asked themselves the questions I’ve suggested and have determined that they really don’t care one way or another. In short, they don’t care if their spouse will end up with someone else. They’re basically at peace with their decision to move on and feel no emotions one way or the other.

They aren’t angry, sad, or confused. In fact, they are quite indifferent. It’s my experience that when people lose all emotion or investment in the process, they are pretty much done. On the other hand, people sometimes assume that if they are very angry or upset at or about their spouse and the marriage, this might mean that the marriage isn’t worth saving. I would disagree. Because they are obviously still feeling strong emotions that are tied up in their spouse. This means that they are still heavily invested which usually means the marriage can be saved.

Here’s another clue. People who are really indifferent would likely not be reading this article because they are at peace with their decision and know in their hearts that nothing is left. But since you are reading this article, there was likely enough doubt in your mind that you felt the need to research your options. This tells me that you’re not indifferent towards or done with your marriage, which indicates, at least to me, that you’re still invested so that the marriage might be worth saving.