Leslie Cane Articles

Many husbands who initiate a separation are fairly confident about their wives’ level of commitment during it. After all, it is the husband who wanted to separate in the first place. Since many wives don’t want any marital break, we often assume that the wife will cling to her marriage for dear life, and there is nothing to change this. Some wives concede that, in their case, this assumption is true, while others are very resentful of any such implication.

For example, one wife might explain, “my husband is being a bit of a jerk during our separation. He only makes himself available when he feels like it and he’s very cold to me at times. Sometimes he acts angry with me, but when I confront him, he reassures me that I’ve done nothing wrong and that he is not angry. He says that we are separated and I can’t always expect him to act loving toward me. I told him that if this goes on endlessly, his attitude is going to drive me away. His response to me was that ‘I will never let him go,’ no matter what. So he seems to believe that I can’t make demands about his behavior. He insists that I need to give this process some time.”

Another way this can play out is the wife who says, “if I am being honest with myself, I have to admit that my husband does not give me any reason at all to have hope for my marriage. He has not yet filed for divorce, but he does not maintain regular contact with me. The other day, he told me that he was concerned about me because I am usually such an upbeat person, but lately, he can tell that I’m quite pessimistic and unhappy. He asked if I was going to be okay, regardless of what happens between us. I assured him that I would. He sighed and told me that he didn’t believe me because he doesn’t think I can ever let our marriage go. I was not sure how to respond. I mean, in my heart, I probably will not let my love for him go. But if he files for divorce, I do not see how I will have any choice. I do not know what to make of his words. I feel like he wants out of this marriage and my just letting go would make things easier for him. But I can’t turn off my feelings.”

The Husband May Be Correctly Observing His Wife’s Feelings. But Her Path Forward Is Her Choice: In each of these situations, the husband is making assumptions about how the wife will react to her feelings moving forward. I understand that husbands know their wives better than almost anyone. But, quite frankly, the only one who the wife should have to answer to is herself when her feelings are concerned. She should decide her own path forward. It is not up to her husband as to whether she is able to let him go or not. Sure, he can end the marriage and no longer physically live with his wife.

But as to where she lives in her heart, that is up to her.

Opinions Based On Experience: I make the statement above because my husband often commented that he knew that I would not give up on our marriage. Sometimes, he said this in an accusatory tone, as if my loyalty and determination were detriments. But, I knew that I could not just shut down my feelings. I knew that I owned my feelings. Sure, I wasn’t always going to act on them because doing so sometimes scared my husband away. But they were mine and I held tight to them.

Dealing With Arrogant Behavior: I’m glad I hung in there because I am still married today. If I’d allowed my husband to sway me, I would be divorced. But I held on and eventually he came around. This did not mean that I allowed him to treat me however he wanted. Admittedly, I tried to be light-hearted and agreeable so that he wouldn’t avoid me. But if he did something extremely hurtful or confusing, I would certainly ask to discuss it and explain why it hurt me. To be honest, these discussions didn’t always stop his behavior. Frankly, I think that, like me, he was feeling his way in a new life. Neither of us was on our best behavior because we were afraid, frustrated, and lashing out.

I know that I am projecting my own experience into this article, but I do think everyone has a right to her own authentic feelings. Sure, if your access to your husband changes, your grip will have to loosen. That is common sense. But your heart will have its own say. How you feel can change over time, but you have every right to let yourself feel and experience this at your own pace. Yes, it takes two people to participate in an active marriage.

But your feelings? Those are yours alone. And moving on? That is your decision and no one else’s. Yes, you can move on physically, but your heart is your own business. And you never know. I am aware of a handful of couples who reconciled after a divorce. And those wives are grateful that they didn’t turn their backs on their hearts, but this is a very individual decision that is yours alone to make.

Although your feelings are yours alone, your actions should usually be made based on what gives you the highest percentage of getting what you want (which in this case is a reconciliation.) Check your feelings if they are causing you to act in any way that makes a reconciliation less, not more, likely.  If it helps, you can read about how I tried to tow this line at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin