Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very upset during their marital separation because their worst fear is literally coming true. Although their husband may have reassured them that they would stay in constant contact, once the separation begins, he can go silent. Many of the wives intuitively realize the inherent danger in this. If you can’t talk (because he won’t) how in the world are you supposed to save your marriage?

Someone might say, “I was very, very reluctant to separate with my husband. I would not have agreed had he not insisted on it so strongly that he almost insinuated that he would divorce me if I hadn’t agreed to it. When I finally did concede, one of my biggest concerns was that we wouldn’t communicate enough. He assured me that we would talk frequently and insinuated that our communication might even improve. I counted on that, but it is not coming to pass. I have only talked to my husband a handful of times. I have not seen him at all. And the conversations are short and a little tense. I admit that I am letting my displeasure be known. I had assumed that my husband would do what he said – call often. He hasn’t. And when I call him, he gets off the phone as soon as possible. I have thought about swinging by his place to see him, but I hesitate. Part of me is afraid that he’s discouraging the face-to-face contact because he is seeing someone else. I’m grateful to be communicating by phone, but I need more than this. How can I get him to see me face to face? I want personal contact. However, I am panicked because I worry that if communication totally breaks down, then we are going to be in real trouble. I am very much against a divorce. It is the last thing that I want. But it is starting to dawn on me that it might be what HE wants. How do I force him to communicate with me so that I don’t end up divorced?”

I can hear the panic in this. First of all, take a deep breath. I know how immediate that this feels because I have been exactly where you are. And I made the mistakes that I want for you to avoid. Like you, I wanted to “force” or “make” my husband communicate with me. When he wouldn’t easily agree to this, I called him even more. I tried to pressure, guilt, or threaten him to communicate with me. And do you know what he did? He started to completely avoid me and ignore me.

That meant that I created a much bigger problem for myself and that it took me MUCH more time and effort to even get to the place where I could think about reconciliation. I completely understand the feeling of panic that you are experiencing. But please know that if you push too hard, you can actually do more harm than good.

Try Building Upon What You Already Have First: I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s my opinion and experience that you are often better off gradually building upon what you already have. What I mean by this is that the best idea, at least in my opinion, is to continue on with the phone conversations with enough enthusiasm that they become more and more frequent and more and more pleasurable for both of you. Because if you can set it up to where you’re both laughing and looking forward to your phone conversations, then the next logical step would be to meet. And in this way, you haven’t applied any pressure. You haven’t laid on any guilt. And your husband has very willingly and very naturally moved forward.

This is so much better than just showing up at his apartment one day and being rejected or risking him pulling back from you. It’s best if he is a willing participant in every bit of the process. You don’t want to force anything on him and face rejection.

The “Coincidental” Meeting Strategy: Another option would be to run into him at a time where you know where he is going to be and to make it look like a coincidence. However, because this strategy runs a high risk of not actually being believable, I believe that it should be a last resort. I believe it’s best to try to build on the phone conversations in a very natural way before you resort to the “accidental meeting” strategy. Many husbands will see right through this. They will doubt that you just happened to be at the same place at the same time.  So, if you are going to use this strategy, make sure it is very convincing.

Why LESS Communication Can Eventually Lead To MORE Communication: I can tell you what finally worked for me to get my husband communicating again, although it can feel wrong or foreign when you first attempt it. What finally worked for me was doing exactly what I did not want to do. When I wanted to push and make demands, I backed away instead. I gave him the space that he wanted. I told him that I was going to visit family and spend time with friends and I did exactly that, even though I didn’t even really want to. However, I knew that if I continued to go forward in the same way, I was going to reach the point of no return with him.

Ultimately, my backing away is what changed things. He began to reach out to me.  I learned that it’s best to let him come to you if it is at all possible. I know that it seems like you have been apart for a long time, but give it a little more time. You want to give him the time to miss you and to start thinking favorably of you when his memories surface. He can’t do this if you are butting heads over communication. I know it’s tempting to argue and to tell him that he made you a promise that he isn’t keeping, but that would likely just make things worse.

Give him time and then when he does reach out to you, make it as stress-free and pleasurable as you possibly can. That way, he will want to continue and you won’t have to pressure him as much. I do understand how you feel and I know how tempting it is to just keep calling. But in my experience, that only digs a deeper hole.

It took every bit of willpower that I had to stop calling and reaching out to my husband, but I knew in my heart that I needed to give him time and let him come to me. It got to a point where I had no other choice.  Eventually, this worked.  I truly believe that if I had continued to push, I might have ended up divorced.  You can read more about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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