Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives who visit this site are very clear on the fact that they are not the one who initiated the separation. They never wanted it. Many of them fought to keep it from happening. And now that it has, they can feel as if they have been discarded without having any say in this process. Needless to say, one can initially feel very bitter about this. However, as we all know, feeling bitter is unpleasant and can make a bad situation worse. More importantly, if this bitterness seeps through when you are around our spouse, it can limit or prevent your ability to reconcile. For many of us, reconciliation is going to be the most effective way to address our bitterness.

However, it is not the only way. I often hear wives say things like, “It’s just not fair. He gets to do all this soul searching and then he gets to decide that he’s not happy and that he might want to just throw everything away. It’s as if he doesn’t care how this affects me or the kids. So our lives all get turned upside down while he gets to try and find himself. I wish I had this luxury. And I’m bitter that he would do this to us. But I know that I need to try to stop this or at least hide it. Because my husband is already reluctant to spend time with me as it is. How do I move past my bitterness?”

I completely understand what you are saying. I initially felt bitter, depressed, and hopeless during my own separation. Frankly, I wallowed in these feelings for longer than I should have. I am not proud of this today. But it was almost as if I wore my bitterness as a badge of honor because it showed how much I loved and missed my husband. Today, I can see how flawed and dangerous this thinking was. Thankfully, I eventually moved past this, especially when it became obvious that it was so detrimental to a reconciliation. Below are some ways that I accomplished this.

Know What A Gift Your Marriage Was (And May Still Be) I know that this might sound sappy, but it is important to be grateful for a thing, even if that thing may not be yours forever. For example, after an elderly dog passed away, I was truly devastated. She’d been with our family for many years and I was lost at her passing. I told my father that I never wanted another dog because of the pain. He hugged me and asked, “if you had known what this feels like when we brought her home, would you have still wanted her?” I had to admit that of course, I would have. She brought so much more joy to my life than sorrow. Yes, losing her was a gut punch. But that was the price I paid for years of loving her.

I began to think about my marriage in the same way. I hoped that we would one day reconcile (which we eventually did.) However, I had to admit that, even if we didn’t, I would not have changed anything. Because we still had wonderful years together. The separation could not erase this. I grew up so much during my marriage. I learned how to stand in a very intimate relationship. These were lessons that I would not trade and would take with me no matter what happened.

Sure, we all want to reconcile and hopefully, most of us can. But the pausing of something should not negate the gifts that it brought into your life. Be thankful for those gifts. (Some people get children from their marriage. This is a lifelong gift that no one can take away.)

Shift Your Focus When Bitterness Hits: I used to find that I was most likely to feel bitter in two situations – when I was alone or when I was in a situation where I was reminded of happy couples. So, I tried not to allow myself to wallow in loneliness. I took some classes. I went out with friends. I found that volunteering helped to remind me of the blessings that I still had in my life and the usefulness I still had to offer. Whatever you do, don’t just sit still in the bitterness. Address it before you become too comfortable in it.

Respectfully Stick Up For Yourself If You Need To: One of the reasons that I felt bitter was because I felt like my husband was putting his needs ahead of my own. He was the one who wasn’t happy and suddenly everyone else had to put their life on hold. This came out in other ways, too. If we were going to get together, it was always on his terms or at his convenience, at least at first. This bothered me. And I found myself lashing out about it, which of course made things worse. It is not in my nature to create conflict and I knew that doing so would hurt my chances for reconciliation, so I learned to address this in a very non-confrontational way. When my husband would assume that I would be available on a moment’s notice, I’d begin answering with statements like, “Oh, you caught me on an inconvenient day. I’d love to, but can we shoot for tomorrow?” Over time, this trained him to respect me and my time a little more. And he began to treat me with more respect, which in turn made me less bitter.

If there is something that is really bothering you and making you feel disrespected, you may want to address it in a very nonconfrontational way. My addressing it actually made reconciliation more likely. If I’d continued to allow my husband to disregard me (and he wasn’t being intentional about it and didn’t realize he was doing it,) our marriage would have continued to deteriorate. But by getting around it in a positive way, I cleared a path for a better relationship between us.

It is actually understandable to feel bitterness right now. No one can fault you. But do what you can to push back against this. Separation is hard enough without allowing negativity into your life. Notice when you are feeling bitter and then do whatever you can to interrupt and address this process. Always ask yourself what you can do right now, tomorrow, and next week to shake yourself out of it.

You’re welcome to read about my reconciliation after my separation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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