How To Ask Your Husband To Come Back Home
By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of correspondence from wives who are living apart from their husbands because of a marital separation or because of issues within their marriage. The vast majority of these wives want their husbands home immediately. And usually, the longer he is away, the more they want him home.
I often hear comments like: “I miss my husband more every day while we are going through a separation. If this is how a separation feels, then I certainly don’t want a divorce. I’m not sure if he feels the same way though. I am desperate to get him to come home. I miss him so much and I hate living without him. How should I approach this topic? How should I ask him to come home? What words can I use that will make him want to come home? And when is the best time to bring it up?”
The answers to these questions depend a great deal on the situation and how things are going between the couple at the time. You have to be very careful about how and when you ask him to come home. Because if he says no or you show him your cards before you are ready to play them, then you run the risk of making things worse or changing the dynamics of your relationship. In a perfect world, it is best if he is the one asking to come home. In the best case scenario, things are going so well between you that it’s obvious to both of you that it’s time for him to come home. If there is any way for you to make this happen instead of just straight out asking him to come home, that would be preferable.
But sometimes, you don’t know, or aren’t sure, where you stand. And sometimes, the temptation to just ask and see what happens seems to be more attractive than waiting. I do understand this, but I have to tell you that when I lost my patience when trying to save my own marriage, it set me back a good deal. Still, below, I will offer some suggestions about what I think is the right thing to say when asking your husband to come home (as well as the right time to say it.)
Asking Your Husband To Come Back Home If Things Are Not Going Well Between You: This is the scenario that you do not want. If things are going so badly that you suspect that your husband is going to refuse to come home or now limit your access to him because you’ve started pushing for a reconciliation when he was not receptive to one, then it’s my experience that it’s best to wait until things improve.
Because chances are, you’re going to hint or ask about him coming home and he’s going to not only shut you down, but figure that he’d better steer clear of you in the near future because he doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression again and he doesn’t want to have another awkward conversation any time soon.
What you absolutely do not want to do is say something to the affect of: “I miss you so much and it’s next to impossible to work on or save our marriage when we no longer live together. I know that things aren’t perfect between us right now but I feel like if you would just move back in, we could pick up the pieces and work things out.”
The reason that phrases or requests like these rarely work is that immediately after your say them, what your husband really hears is that you want him back because you don’t like being alone, are thinking mostly about your own feelings and fears, and don’t have any real plan toward making things better between you. So, he’s left wondering what is in it for him and why he should come home when nothing at all has changed.
Asking Your Husband To Come Back Home When Things Are Going Well Between You: This scenario is the one that you want because this gives you the best chance for success. If things are starting to click again between you, then your husband is more likely to believe that lasting chance is possible. And he’s also likely to be more agreeable to what you have to say.
It is still my experience and opinion that, if at all possible, you should wait for him to either ask to come home on his own, or at the very least, be the one to bring up the subject. If you are always the one who is setting the pace, and making the concessions and requests, then you will always wonder how sincere he really is and you might worry that you want this much more than he does.
So, if you can set it up so that he’s the one taking the lead on this, that truly is the preferable way to go. If you just can’t wait and want to be the one to bring it up, then I would suggest waiting until things are going extremely well between you and you are at a place where you are both laughing and smiling. You might want to say something like: “it’s a shame that we had to separate and live apart in order to get a long this well. If we were clicking then like we are now, maybe we wouldn’t be living apart right now. It makes me sad that living apart has made me realize just how important you are to me and how much I want you in my life no matter what. Do you think there’s any scenario where we would make it if we tried again?”
Before you ask the last question, I would suggest pausing for a minute to see if he has any response or reaction. Sometimes, if you pause, he will break in with his own answer that will give you some insight into not only what he’s feeling, but what he might want your next step to be. The whole idea is to get to the place where you are discussing “trying again” as a positive and possible step in your future.
If you find that he’s agreeable to trying again, you might want to take the next step and ask him what he would need to happen in order for him to be comfortable and agreeable to giving your marriage one more try under the same roof. Your goal should not be to get him to pack his bags that very night, but for him to give you some idea as to what he would need from you to be comfortable and enthusiastic with that scenario.
Because the whole idea is not just to get him to come back home, but to get him to come back home with a clear understanding of what it’s going to take for him to stay home and to be a happy and willing participant in your marriage.
When my husband left and I was trying to get him to come back home, I did everything that I could to make this happen. But, nothing seemed to work. Eventually, I lost my patience and just blurted out pleas for him to come back home. This was the worst thing I could have possibly done. After his mistake, it took me months to lay a new foundation that eventually inspired him to bring up the subject of moving back home. Eventually, he was willing participant in saving our marriage. But my insistence on pushing him costs us a lot of time. If it helps, you can read more about which tactics worked and which didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.
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