Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I’ve dialogued with a lot of people who want nothing more than another chance in their marriage. Sometimes, their spouse has already asked for space, a break, or even a divorce. Other times, things haven’t gone quite that far, but the marriage still feels fragile or tense, and they’re hoping for an about-face so that they can save their marriage. They often ask me the same question: How do I even begin to ask for a second chance without making things worse?

I completely understand this concern, and I’ve seen it play out more than a few times. You want to save your marriage, but you’re afraid of pushing your spouse further away in the process. You’re afraid of shining a spotlight on what’s wrong. Why draw more attention to your flaws? And frankly, how you approach this conversation can make a real difference in whether or not you get that second chance.

The Approach That Often Backfires: What I often see — and what I gently caution against — is the desperate plea. You may feel like you have to fix things right now. You might be tempted to plead, call, text, apologize over and over, or promise the world if they’ll just give you – and your marriage – another chance.

But understand this. When someone is already feeling disconnected or checked out of their marriage, a barrage of emotional pressure can feel more like a burden than an attractive lure. It’s not that they don’t want to hear from you, necessarily — it’s that they don’t want to be pushed before they’re ready. And when they feel pushed, it can confirm to them that the relationship is still off-balance. It shows them once more that they want to distance themselves from this whole deal.  Don’t ask for anything before you’ve shown BOTH sincerity and change.

A Better Way To Ask For Another Chance: In my experience, the more effective approach is one that comes from calm reflection and a place of mutual respect AFTER you have demonstrated calm, methodical change or actions.

You don’t have to have a perfect speech prepared. In fact, it is better that you don’t. You know the adage “show, don’t tell?” It’s never more appropriate than right now.

That’s why what often works best is showing your spouse that you understand them, what they want, how they feel, and what they most need from you. It needs to be VERY clear that you’ve taken the time to think deeply about what went wrong — and what steps you intend to take to make it right. And this involves showing him, not just explaining this to him.

When You’re Stuck In Showing Not Telling: If you are stuck and aren’t sure how to approach this, put yourself in his shoes. How do you think he feels right now? Probably quite frustrated, confused, and anxious. This is a big step that he is contemplating, and anyone would feel uneasy about it, even if he’s trying not to show it.

Ask yourself what has most hurt them and your marriage, and then define what they need to see and hear from you before they’d feel safe moving forward (or at least thinking about it).

When You’re Ready To Talk: When you’re ready, speak from the understanding and empathy that have come from really and truly examining this situation from your HUSBAND’S perspective (not just yours.)

Acknowledge where things have gone off track. Be specific. You might say something like:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened between us. And I believe you might feel (insert your honest guess here). Is that accurate? I’d really like to understand how you’re feeling if you are willing to share with me right now.”

Then, just listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Don’t try to redefine or correct what he is saying. Just hear him. It sounds simple, but it can be incredibly powerful.

And when you speak again, keep it short and sincere. As an example:
“I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m hurting too. And I’d like to do everything I can to make things better. If you’d be open to it, I’d like to share a few things I’ve realized about how I want to do things differently moving forward.”

Your tone should not be one of begging. It should be about showing growth, maturity, and a willingness to meet your spouse in the middle or even more, which is exactly what many people are hoping to see when they’re unsure whether their marriage can be saved.

If Your Spouse Is Resistant Or Reluctant, Don’t Push: As nice as it might be, it’s very possible that your spouse won’t leap into your arms right away. In fact, they may not respond much at all at first. They may not believe you. They may think that you’re just posturing or saying what they want to hear.

That doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage can’t be saved. It often just means that they’re still processing. Or they’re watching to see if your words are going to match your actions. So you have to show your sincerity and patience. Don’t be put off by this. Just know it means you’ll need to work a little longer. And that’s fine.

Instead of trying to push him toward a quick resolution, show him, through your everyday actions, that you’re serious about change. Be patient, kind, loving, empathetic, and consistent. Show up as the best version of yourself — the one they likely fell in love with. This isn’t about pretending or performing. It’s about remembering what once existed between you and could reappear again.

You Might Have More Power Than You Think: Here’s something I say a lot: your spouse didn’t marry a stranger. They married you. So even if things feel tense or uncertain right now, you already have a history, and at some point, they saw you as someone they deeply cared for, more than anyone else in the world. That gives you a foothold — one you can use to rebuild, slowly and steadily. You actually know this man more than anyone else.

If you stay calm, stay kind, and stay true to your word, you may find that he opens up to both you and your request for another chance.

And if you want to hear how I personally got a second chance in my own marriage using this approach, you can read my story on my blog at isavedmymarriage.com. I hope it helps you.

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