How To Answer Questions From Other People During Your Separation
By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated, it’s just unavoidable that you will have to attend some functions alone. People may see you out and about without your spouse more than once. Understandably, people can be curious and this curiosity can drive them to ask you personal questions about your separation. It can be difficult to know how to answer this, especially if you’re worried that your answer might get back to other people, or worse, to your husband.
Someone might explain: “my husband and I try to create a united front during our separation. He tries to still attend our children’s events. And when he does, we typically sit together. However, I have had to attend work functions without him. I’ve gone out with friends and coworkers without him. People notice this. And they have started asking questions. My husband and I were joined at the hip before. I was never without him. So I understand the curiosity. But I kind of resent it and I’m not sure how to answer people’s questions. I know that people ask out of concern and because they care about me. But I don’t know how to answer them. Things are up with down with my marriage during the separation. One day my husband acts as if he might be willing to reconcile eventually and the next day he avoids me and acts like I annoy him. So I have no idea how to answer questions. The other day, a wife of one of my husband’s coworkers cornered me at the grocery store and started to pry. I tried very hard to just answer her with vague responses. At the end she said ‘well, I hope you guys are getting back together.’ I didn’t know how to respond so I said ‘we’ll see.’ And then she proceeded to say that I didn’t sound very enthusiastic and now I’m afraid that she will go back and tell her husband (who will then tell my husband.) What should I say when people ask these types of noisy questions?”
I understand your frustration and I really wish that people would use more common sense and have a little more empathy. Your marriage and the state of it can be a very private and sensitive topic. It’s no one else’s business. I would never feel comfortable asking another person about the state of their marriage, but that didn’t stop people from asking me about mine when I was separated. Like you, I initially fell into the trap of trying to give vague but honest answers. And still people would sometimes push. Granted, I do believe that most people are just concerned. But their prying does nothing to help you.
I found that often, it was not enough to be vague. I’d have to literally change the subject or let them know that I just didn’t wish to go there. I tried to keep things lighthearted, but I learned to redirect. So when someone would ask me about my marriage or separation, I eventually realized that I had to say something like: “for right now, we’re not living together. We’re taking some time to sort things out and we’re hoping for the best. I hope you understand that I’m going to change the subject now because I’d just like to talk about something different.” If the person still persisted, I’d just laugh and say “moving on” and then I’d literally change the subject. For people who were extremely hard headed, I’d literally pretend I had a text on my phone and I’d excuse myself.
I figured if people were that dense, then I didn’t need to worry about allowing myself to exit that situation. I always tried to be as polite as possible, but I wasn’t going to allow someone to grill me about something that truly wasn’t their business when I knew that some of them were just looking to get their excitement for the day or to spread gossip. Granted, some people really do ask out of concern, but even so, an honest “we’re trying to sort things out” really should be all that is needed. They don’t need to know your innermost feelings and motivations. They are likely simply looking for reassurance that you’re coping and are okay, which is why it’s fine to tell them that you’re “hoping for the best.” And then it’s also fine to politely redirect them down after that.
Most people don’t want their private life to be the subject of public scrutiny. You certainly have the right to privacy. Another concern is that there are a subset of people who will tell you their unsolicited opinion. They might say something like: “I always sensed that things were tense between you two,” or “your husband seemed very unhappy to me.” Again, you don’t have to engage with that. You can simply say: “that’s an interesting observation. Moving on, now” and then just change the subject.
You are under no obligation to sit there and have a conversation that you don’t wish to have. If the person is truly a good friend and is truly concerned about you, then it should be obvious that you want to avoid the topic. And a good friend who is truly concerned will be more than willing to respect your wishes.
I hope that helps some. If you’d like to read about some more of my coping mechanisms during my separation (which thankfully ended in a reconciliation) you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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