How Should I Spend My Time During Our Marital Separation?
By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are lost on many levels during their marital separation. Often, they are experiencing this difficult time in an empty house with more than enough free time on their hands. And they have no idea how to fill their empty days. Often, they intuitively know that they should give the situation time, but it is hard to do this when everything feels so immediate and there is really nothing else to do.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left about three weeks ago. I am so lonely and antsy. Our only child left for college this summer. Without him holding us together, our marriage fell apart. I still love my husband. I still want my marriage. But he has made it very clear that he needs some time to himself. And I know that I should respect this. But, as sad as this is going to sound, I am not sure how to fill my days. I have spent so many years being a wife and mother that I have no idea how to be anything else or to be on my own. I find myself just sitting here and feeling worthless. I have to constantly fight the urge to call my son or husband. I know that my husband wants time, but I feel as if I am only treading water. How should I be spending my time?”
There were so many questions rolled into this one. Believe me when I say that I know how difficult it is to fill your days when you are having a hard time even getting out of bed. When I was separated, I was very busy in my professional life. This turned out to be somewhat of a blessing because it filled the day time. But at night and on weekends, I really struggled. Eventually, I became tired of feeling so lost. So I decided that it was time to force myself to do what I knew was right deep down. Some days it would have been easier (and would have felt better) to just stay home. But I found that getting out and focusing on myself actually saved my sanity and, in a way, it saved my marriage. I will discuss this more below.
Reach Out To Others: I know that it is hard to even think about this right now. But when you are separated, you are very lonely. You want and need human contact. And when you reach out to your husband for that contact when he has asked you not to, then you are setting yourself up for rejection which you absolutely don’t need right now.
But, even if you are supposed to back off from your husband from now, there are undoubtedly others that you can reach out to. Family, friends, and special people that we love or are connected to are usually always willing to lend their support and their time.
And the truth is that we have often not had as much time and energy for them while we were pouring ourselves into our marriage and in our immediate family. So, now is a perfect time to fall back on and cultivate those relationships that we may not have even realized that we have missed.
I actually went across the country to spend time with my parents and my oldest, dearest friends. This felt odd and desperate at first. But they welcomed me with open arms and their support and laughter got me through some difficult days. If I had stayed home, I would have focused on my isolation and loneliness. My focus would have been on the person that I didn’t have. But at that time, very thankfully, I was focused on the wonderful and loving people that I still had in my life. This made quite a bit of difference.
Another great way to reach out like this if you can’t immediately visit loved ones is to volunteer locally or become involved in socializing at school or at work. These are likely things that you didn’t have time for before but you do right now. And these things will not only give you something to do, but they will enrich you and show you that you are still valuable and have a good deal to offer.
Work On Yourself: I know that you are hurting right now. I know that going within and exploring yourself may not sound like a lot of fun. But the truth is that when we are caring for others, we rarely care for ourselves. When is the last time you did exactly what you wanted to do simply for the reason that you wanted to do it? Many women do not. I was very guilty of that. I cared for every one else, but not myself. Right now, you have the time to journal, to engage in hobbies you enjoy, and to spend some time with yourself determining what you want and deserve.
Believe it or not, this self work can be incredibly beneficial to your marriage in the long run. It isn’t just a way to fill the time. It is a way to reconnect with yourself and to prioritize the person who is uniquely you. Yes, this is a difficult time. But you don’t need to make it worse by giving into the negative emotions and following that up with negative actions. If your force yourself to engage in positive actions and behaviors, then you will often find that your emotions will follow. Therefore, the next time that you interact with your husband, you will often find that it is easier and better.
I know that this is hard and that the days seem long but if you fill them with things that nurture you and support you, they will go by sooner than you might think. At least this was the case with me. There were days when I could hardly function well at work and then I would go home and just listen to music and feel hopeless. Once I forced myself out of this pattern, things changed and my husband took noticed. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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