Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives spend a good deal of time worrying about the logistics of their separation. They know that they will be living apart from their husband. They know that some major decisions will likely come out of this time period. But often what they don’t know is how day to day life is going to work. They worry about the right way to act. They fret over the correct things to say.

One might say: “my husband is moving out this weekend. I am hoping that the separation is going to be only for the short term, but my husband won’t commit to this because he’s the one who wanted it in the first place. I know that we are going to be seeing one another a lot because we are still going to be living in the same neighborhood and our children have sports. Neither of us would dare miss our kids’ games so I am sure that we’ll be seeing each other on a regular basis. How am I supposed to act when I run into him? What am I supposed to say?”

There are no rules written down anywhere about this type of situation. But having been through this myself, I do have a definite opinion on how you should act if you want to save your marriage or you want the separation to end with him coming back home committed to you. I’ll explain in the following article.

If You’re Posturing, Don’t Be Too Obvious About It: Many wives will pretend as if it’s such a shock to see their husbands or will act as if they are caught off guard when both of you know that this isn’t entirely true. If you’re glad to see him, there’s nothing wrong with showing this. And, for the sake of your kids, you should make an effort to be friendly, cordial, and warm. These efforts can also help your cause, but make sure that you don’t come off as if you are trying too hard or that you’re so angry at him that you can’t even stand looking his way. Try to let things flow naturally and happen spontaneously.

Be Approachable Even If You Don’t Feel Completely Sure Of Your Situation: It is absolutely normal to feel anger right now. This can especially be true once reality sets in and you find yourself having to be the one to take out the garbage or jump start the car. And if one of the kids’ games happen to fall after a time when you’ve had to play both mom and dad, then it would be only natural to give him the cold shoulder or to let your resentment show. But to the extent that you can, try to avoid letting this be the only thing that he sees coming from you.

So often, situations like this tend to get out of hand. It’s not uncommon for the wife to see the husband fresh off of a stressful situation at home that fosters resentment. Let’s say the toilet overflowed right before she sees him and there is almost steam coming out of her ears when she glances his way. So while she might secretly be happy to see him, she crosses her arms and waits for him to approach her. He sees her combative stance and stays away. As a result, she assumes this means he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her and will be soon filing for divorce. Nasty texts or hang up phone calls could follow.

Do you see where I’m going with this? There’s a lot of downside potential when you let fear or anger drive your actions. Instead, try to remain approachable even if you have to force it sometimes. Because once your husband worries about what’s going to happen if he tries to talk to or reach out to you, the whole dynamics of your situation can change. At the very least, you want to be able to talk to one another on a positive level that allows you to make some progress. The last thing that you want is a situation that goes from bad to worse over something that seems so trivial. But, the truth is, when you are separated, every encounter builds upon itself. Since you don’t live together, these encounters and conversations can be the only thing that you have to go on. And that’s why, even when you are frustrated, you want to make them count.

What Happens The Next Time You Run Into Your Husband?: Don’t panic. He is still your husband after all. Put a smile on your face, reach out to him, and ask him how he is. If you’re at your kids’ sporting event, offer him a seat. Try to be as positive as you can. Not only do you owe that to your kids, but you owe it to yourself. There’s no reason to be sour and negative if you can help it. Ask him how he has been, and try to offer some positive news that you can share. You might allude to the fact that you’ve been spending time with friends, on hobbies, or on catching up somewhere else. The last thing that you want to talk about is your rage over the facts like the garbage disposal backed up and you had no one to fix it. (Although this would be a valid complaint.) Remember that you are trying to set a positive stage so that the next time you see him, things will go even better. And, the next time, you might invite him to eat with you and the kids. The idea is that each meeting should end well so that you want to do it more often so that eventually, he just wants to come home and reconcile. So to answer the question posed, you should act as positive but as natural as you possibly can when you run into your husband. And you want to show him that you care enough to ask about his situation and to share yours. And you want to show that you are still willing to engage in situations that improve the dynamic between you.

I really did not understand these principles at the beginning of our separation.  Things went badly until I changed my outlook and behaviors. Once I tried to focus on the positive and to create a sense of mystery, my husband suddenly became interested again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story from separation to reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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