Leslie Cane Articles

By:  Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are looking for tips or advice on how to set up a martial or trial separation. Many just don’t know what to expect. And, they want to make sure that they are doing things as close to right as possible so that they are going to have the best chance to save their marriage. They are afraid of over stepping the boundaries and of not reaching out enough. They worry that they will try too hard or not hard enough. And these things can feel very uncomfortable because navigating a separation is difficult enough without worrying about the etiquette involved.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband is moving in with his cousin for a little while because he wants to try a trial separation. His cousin lives an hour and a half away. I’m wondering how often you are supposed to see your spouse while you are separated? How often are you supposed to call? Are you supposed to go out on dates? Or do you leave your spouse alone? Forgive me if I sound stupid, but I have no idea what is the proper separation etiquette.  I want to see him as much as possible but I don’t want to push too hard.”

The thing is, there really isn’t separation etiquette or a rule book that talks about the right way or a wrong way to handle your separation. Rather, it’s usually about finding that happy medium where both people are comfortable and as receptive as possible to saving the marriage. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Don’t Worry About Right Or Wrong. Worry About What Works Best For Both Of You: Some couples will be apart for a very short time and realize that they miss each other very much and want to spend more time together right away. You may hear people advise you to play hard to get or to not be too anxious too soon. This sort of advice has its place. But I don’t see anything wrong with regularly seeing your spouse if you both clearly want to see one another, things are going well, and you enjoy each other’s company. With that said, there’s a risk of getting so caught up in the missing your spouse part that you aren’t addressing what lead up to the separation in the first place.

Sometimes, you find that one spouse wants a lot of contact and the other isn’t sure how comfortable he or she is with this and wants some alone time, especially at first. This is OK and it’s best to not push too hard when your spouse wants space. Give them some time to miss you rather than allowing them to think that you are bugging them so much that even when separated, they aren’t getting the time that they asked for.

There’s A Balance Between Too Much Togetherness And Not Enough: As I just alluded to, some people ask me if they should play hard to get. Many people fear rejection, so they wonder if maybe they should make their spouse come to them. Many ask me if they should ignore their spouse or pretend that they are doing other things. Generally, I think it can be fine to give the impression that you are coping or busy, but you don’t want to take this too far and imply that you don’t have time for your spouse when you actually do.

At the same time, if you are noticing any resistance from your spouse when you call, want to get together, or reach out to them, then pay attention to those cues and perhaps see if they will contact you the next time. There is a very delicate balance between not being too available and not being available enough. One of the real goals of a separation is to see if the space and time makes you miss one another, intensifies your feelings, and makes your wishes more clear. Allow this process to run it’s course. If you don’t give your spouse the time to experience these things, you might both just end up frustrated and thinking that the separation was a failure when that doesn’t need to be the case.

So, How Often Should You See Your Spouse During The Separation?: There is no one answer for every couple. It’s best to ask your spouse their feelings on this topic before they actually leave. It’s usually easier to make your expectations clear ahead of time, before any awkwardness or misunderstandings kick in.

However, if you haven’t set up an understanding ahead of time, then you will have to feel your way. I think it is important to talk (and preferably meet) somewhat regularly. This doesn’t need to be every day, but every week or so can be good. You don’t want to let so much time go by that things are awkward between you. And, if you are getting some resistance than wait until things improve and busy yourself with other things until the next time. Often, this will generate some interest from your spouse. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are always the aggressor, but make it clear that you are still invested in your marriage and can and will make the time.

At the end of the day, how often you see your spouse depends on both of your wishes. He may want less and you may want more, and that is why compromises exist. Try to move slowly and build upon each successful interaction. You don’t want to appear over eager but you don’t want to let too much time pass between those interactions.

I sometimes tell couples that they will usually know when the pace is right because both people are comfortable and anxious to see the other the next time. When you find your spouse avoiding you or making excuses, then it might be time to reevaluate. But if your spouse is receptive to your request for getting together and you are both comfortable and happy, then there is no need to play games.

So to me the answer to the question, I think it’s OK to see your spouse as often as you are both comfortable with.  But, if there is some resistance, it’s best to back off until things begin to improve.

When my husband and I were separated, I wanted to see him much more than he wanted to see me.  Of course, I pushed too hard and this only made things worse.  It wasn’t until I backed off that I began to gain some ground.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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