How Often Do Husbands Change Their Mind About The Divorce?
By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are trying to gauge the odds of saving their marriages. Sometimes, their husband has already filed for divorce. Other times, he’s merely told them of his intent to divorce them. And there are times when he’s only in the early stages of the process and is only beginning to speak of a divorce, (although nothing definitive has happened just yet.) Many wives ask me questions about the chances that their husband will change his mind.
I recently heard from a wife who asked: “how many husbands end up changing their minds about the divorce? Is the percentage or odds high or very low? My husband keeps telling me that our marriage is over and that divorce is the only way out. He says his mind is made up and that there isn’t anything that I can possibly do to change it. How many husbands in this situation do end up eventually changing their minds? What can I do to improve the chances that my husband will be one of the ones who eventually does?”
I looked for any scientific statistics that might help me to answer some of these questions and I found none. So, that leaves my own experiences to fall back on, which admittedly isn’t very scientific. I do get a lot of comments on my “save my marriage” blog from both husbands and wives in this situation. Some come back later to tell me what happened in their marriages, but certainly not all of them check back in. And, I have to say that most of the time, the people who visit my blog have at least some interest in saving their marriage.
So what I see is probably not representative of a general population. With all of this said, it’s not uncommon for me to hear that either party (the husband or the wife) has changed their mind about a divorce. I am not going to tell you that this happens the majority of the time, because it doesn’t. But it’s not uncommon either. I don’t want to guess at the percentage or odds because as I said, this is my own unscientific guess. If often really does depend upon several things like: the severity of the problems that are causing the divorce in the first place; what (if anything) happens that might inspire the changing of a mind; and how open both parties are open to admitting (even to themselves) that their perceptions about the state of the marriage (and the people in it) may have been wrong.
Is There Anything That I Can Do To Increase The Odds That My Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce?: This really is the central question. Because I don’t believe that your goal should be to “make” or “get” your husband to change his mind about divorcing you. The better goal is to inspire or convince him to change his mind because he now believes that something, someone, or some set of circumstances have changed.
Many wives think that the best way to do this is to try to lay on the dramatics to inspire the same dramatic turn around in their husband. I rarely see this strategy work. It often just makes the husband more anxious to get the divorce out of the way as soon as possible. The better bet is to show him that spending time with you doesn’t need to turn out badly or inspire any drama. You want to show him that he was wrong when he thought there was nothing left between you or when he assumed the marriage was too far gone to save. However, in order for him to truly believe this, these realizations need to come gradually and naturally.
Other wise, you run the risk of things feeling too forced or sudden. So rather than trying to make him change his feelings and perceptions over night, be happy with small steps, especially at first. A decent first goal is just to interact with one another better and to vow that there will be no negative outcomes when at the end of your interactions. From there, you’ll want to strive for positive outcomes where you’re both comfortable, laughing, and smiling. Once he’s comfortable again and he’s initiating more contact, then and only then should you begin to move very slowly toward trying to get him to change his mind about the divorce.
But, you should never be the one to mention that, if it is at all possible. The best case scenario is for him to change his mind on his own (because you have set up the circumstances that make this favorable) and for him to be the one to bring the divorce up. If he feels as if you’re pulling the strings and trying to manipulate him, you actually decrease the odds that he’s going to change his mind. That’s why it’s so important to move at a very deliberate pace and to make him think that his thoughts, feelings, and intentions are his own.
I tried for force my own husband to change his mind about the divorce and needless to say, this didn’t work. It wasn’t until I figured out that I needed to break the process into a series of small and easier steps that I began to gain some ground which eventually lead to my saving my marriage. If it helps, you’re welcome to read my story about how I was able to accomplish this. Feel free to check it out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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