Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people want clarification on the logistics of a trial separation.  Unfortunately, there’s no manual to tell you how this should work or what you should be doing.  Many people still hold out hope for their marriages even though they are separating temporarily.  To that end, they often know that they should spend quality time together.  But they are rarely sure how much time.

A wife might have an experience like this one: “my husband is insisting on a trial separation.  I don’t really want this, but he’s not really giving me a choice.   Luckily, he is saying that he would like to reconcile if it’s at all possible and he’s agreed to spend regular time with me during the separation.  My question is, how much time should be spent together? What is optimal?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

 There Are No Concrete Rules About The Frequency Of Seeing One Another During The Separation. It’s About Finding Balance:  I’ve gone through this myself and I have spoken with many couples who have been through a trial separation also.  Some see each other quite a bit and others hold back a little back because one or both of them want more space.  Both ways of approaching this can work as long as both people are in agreement with it.

I think that it is more important that both people are comfortable with and enthusiastic about the meetings rather than how often they occur.  Because if there is stress or turmoil, then it’s possible for someone to want to meet less frequently or to not be receptive during the meetings. And this is the last thing that you want, which leads me to my next point.

Finding A Balance Between Keeping In Touch And Giving Each Other Space:  One common reason that couples pursue a trial separation is that one of them needs or wants some space or some time apart.  And in this instance, if the other spouse is pushing too hard to always be in contact, then this can be a huge negative for the outcome.

On the other hand, some couples take the giving space idea so far that they lose some of the closeness and accountability.  There’s a real danger in losing touch so much that you expect or assume the worse.  For example, many wives tell me that when they don’t hear from their husbands for a while, they assume that he has started seeing someone else or that he is distancing himself from them.  This isn’t always the case and these assumptions could have been avoided by keeping in regular contact.

I do believe that it is important to keep in regular contact.  Without regular contact, awkwardness, suspicions, and doubts develop.  But each couple will define “regular” in different ways.

In the beginning, my husband and I saw each other every weekend, but I have to admit that he eventually felt that I was acting too clingy and too possessive and he made our meetings less frequent.  As a result, I became even more clingy and things went seriously wrong.  I had a lot of catching up to do and all of this could have been avoided.  I wish I had understood that the quality of the meetings was more important than the quantity of them.

It’s More Important That Your Time Together Is Meaningful: I really cannot stress enough that each meeting between you should go as well as is possible.  The whole idea is that you leave the meeting smiling and laughing so that you are both looking forward to the next encounter.  If some distance is necessary in order to make this possible, then that is truly OK.

I firmly believe it’s better to meet once a week, but then to anticipate the approaching days than to meet twice a week and to be rushed or not as receptive.  If you notice that things aren’t going as well as you had hoped or that your spouse doesn’t seem enthusiastic, ask yourself if you are pushing too hard or are requesting too much. Quality is so much more important than quantity in this case.  It is better to leave each other wanting more than to push yourself onto someone who is reluctant.

Don’t Put Yourself In The Position Where You’re The Only One Who Is Reaching Out:  I have to admit that it was pretty obvious that my husband was backing away when I began to get possessive.  It wasn’t as if I couldn’t see what was happening.  But I kept denying it because I couldn’t bear to see or communicate with my husband even less.  However, the more I became the only one who was initiating the contact, the less attractive I became to my husband.  I could literally feel him slipping away from me and I knew that I had to change course.

Frankly, it wasn’t until I backed up and allowed him input as to the pace and the frequency of our contact that things greatly improved.  Eventually, he began to pursue me a little and this is when things really changed and I started to believe that it was actually possible to save our marriage.  So, to answer the question posed, I would say that you need to keep in touch enough to feel connected and to diminish doubts and suspicions, but not so much that anyone is uncomfortable or reluctant.

As I said, my husband was not comfortable with the time commitment that I was demanding during our trial separation and this only made things worse. I changed course dramatically and frankly, I think this shocked my husband.  But you know what?  It worked because eventually, he was the one pursuing me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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