Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are at the point where they realize that they don’t have much of a choice when it comes to a trial separation. Often, they have tried various strategies in order to talk their spouse out of seeking this separation. Unfortunately though, nothing has worked. And so they are left in a situation where the choice is the separation that they fear or the divorce that terrifies them. But once they have come to the point where they have reluctantly accepted the trial separation, they have questions and concerns about for how long it should last.

Common comments are things like: “I guess it’s obvious at this point that I don’t have any choice in agreeing to the trial separation that my husband wants. It’s become clear that he’s going to leave anyway. So I either have to agree to it or he’s probably going to leave me or seek a divorce. My question is how long do I have to give him? For how long do most separations last? I only want for him to be gone for a couple of weeks at the most, but I’m not sure what is reasonable. I’d like to give him a deadline or at the very least I would like for us to agree to on a short time frame. How long do most people give their spouses for a trial separation?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Many Couples Wait And See How The Separation Goes Before They Define A Time Line: Much of the time, you just don’t know how you are going to feel or how much progress you might make once the separation begins. I know that it’s very tempting to want to try to get him to commit to being gone for only a week or less. But it’s often very difficult to get an unhappy or an unsure spouse to agree to these terms. I suppose there is nothing wrong with trying. But if you do try to define a time frame, be very careful not to make it sound like you are giving him a deadline or an ultimatum.

You want to appear as if you are willing to compromise and cooperate because you want for your spouse to be happy. You want for him to think of you favorably during the separation. He is much less likely to do this if you make demands or if you make it sound as if he has a time clock that has started running out the moment that he leaves.

I absolutely understand wanting to feel as if you have a little bit of control over the situation. My own separation was one of the most difficult times in my entire life. I desperately wanted to know when my husband was coming back. But frankly, the more I pressured him, the less likely he was to actually want to come home. And I see this happen time and time again in scenarios that people recount from their own marriages on my blog. The more that the reluctant spouse pushes for a time line or a deadline, the more the unhappy spouse resists the pressure and the less likely the couple is to reconcile any time soon.

Be Motivated To See Quick Improvement Rather Than To Impose A Deadline: Let’s think about this as logically as we can. I know that high emotions are involved right now. But sometimes these same emotions are keeping you from seeing the situation as clearly as you might. But let’s think about what makes him the most likely to come home. It isn’t your imposing a deadline. It is your making improvements to your marriage or your encouraging your spouse to miss you so that he will want to come home. These things will make your spouse very willingly want to come home and end the trial separation because he knows that there is a pay off in doing so. That is much different (and much more preferable) to him reluctantly coming home bringing his resentment with him because he bowed to your pressure.

I know forcing his hand can sometimes feel like a momentary win but honestly, it will often cost you. Your husband may come home because of your time demands, but he likely won’t be happy about it and this may even intensify the problems that lead to the separation in the first place.

Why I Believe That It’s Better To Get Him To Commit To Regular Meetings Than To Attempt To Impose A Deadline: It’s true that you have no way of predicting how the separation is going to go or how either of you are going to feel during it. And you can’t fully control this. But what you can fully control is how often you see one another and how often you try to improve your situation. If you have a cooperative spouse, then I think it’s a wonderful idea to ask him to commit to meeting you at least once a week (and more if you can swing it) in order to check in, bond, and reconnect.

If you can get him to commit to spending part of that time in counseling, then that’s a wonderful option, although I have to be honest and admit that few spouses that seek a separation are willing to commit to counseling, at least at first. So if he refuses counseling, try to find a compromise that you can both be enthusiastic about. You might agree to going out to dinner or to church together on weekends. If you love the outdoors, you might prefer hiking or biking together. Whatever is in alignment with your personality can work. What is most important is that you both know that you will check in regularly so that you don’t worry that you will lose touch with or access to your spouse.

But to answer the original question, I think that it can be dangerous to give your spouse a deadline for the separation. It’s better to try very hard to make quick progress so that he will be motivated to come home quickly. But applying pressure or deadlines will often only make things worse.

As I alluded to, I was very tempted to try to give my husband a time line during our separation.  But quite honestly, I’m sure he would have resisted me.  It was hard enough to get him to communicate with me regularly.  Which is why I ended up going with a completely different strategy.  Luckily, this ended up working.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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