Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, panicked wives are in one of two situations: Either their husband has informed them that he has filed divorce papers. Or, the wife knows that he has filed them because she has been served with a copy. Most of the wives who contact me do not want a divorce. They are hoping with everything that they have that their husband will somehow change his mind. Many ask for my help in ensuring that this is going to happen. And many want to know their chances or odds for success.

Someone might say, “three weeks ago, my husband admitted that he had seen an attorney and was going to file for a divorce. I begged him not to do that. I told him we could go to counseling or recommit to our marriage. And things seemed to improve a little between us. That’s why I was so shocked to be visited by a process server at my job who handed me divorce papers. I immediately called my husband and begged him to change his mind. He admitted that he still loved me but he insisted that he just doesn’t think our marriage will make it. I know if he would hear me out and give me a chance, we could make things work. How many men change their mind after filing for serving divorce papers? Is this a lost cause?”

I certainly don’t think that it’s always a lost cause. In preparation for this article, I tried to see if I could find any statistics that might help me to answer this question. I didn’t find anything that gave me any specific numbers. I believe the reason for this is probably that legal professionals likely only keep track of divorces that actually go through, not those that don’t. And, even if there were a way to track divorces that don’t end up being final, it’s probably not always clear which spouse changed their mind.

I don’t think that it’s rare to hear back from happy wives who report that their husband did indeed change his mind, or at least agreed to mediation or a delay before making things final. So, it most certainly is not impossible. However, being fair and balanced, some wives are unable to change their husband’s mind, which has seemingly long been made up.  There are couples who get back together and remarry after a final divorce so this is not out of the question either. Sometimes when I tell wives this, they ask me what they can do to increase the chances that their husband will change his mind about the divorce. I have a definite opinion on this, which I will share with you now.

Things That Might Increases The Chances That Your Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce (Even After Filing): Before I get into those things that I see helping with this situation, I want to caution about the things that I almost universally see hurt it. When you are looking into the eyes of a divorce and the thing that you fear most is on the horizon, it’s very easy to feel desperate and to act on those feelings. Because you feel like you will do anything to keep the divorce from being final. So if you have to resort to small threats or just stopping short of begging, guilting, or shaming, then so be it. Heck, many wives have no problems playing the kid card in this situation because desperate times call for desperate measures. I understand these temptations because I experienced them myself. But they didn’t make my situation better. They made it worse.

No one likes being threatened, manipulated or forced into feeling negative emotions. As a result, he will often pull away from you even more or feel more negatively about you when you try these things. I know that this is not what you want to hear. But it is true. Sometimes women that tell me that they did wear their husbands down using these methods. But guess what? The victory doesn’t last. Because he’s not really there because he wants to be. He is there because he gave in. And one day he will realize that and want to leave or divorce again and it will just be that much harder for the wife to pull a rabbit out of the hat all over again.

Now that we’ve covered avoiding negativity, where does that leave you? Doing just the opposite. Focusing on the positive. Conducting yourself with grace and respect. I know that this might seem crazy to you. But you want for him to look at you and think that maybe he was wrong, or hasty, or both. He’s not going to do that if you are acting mean, nasty, desperate, or irrational. Make it very hard for him to dislike you or to feel defensive around you right now. In some states, there is court-mandated mediation or counseling. Use it. Make sure that every time you interact with him, you are pleasant and easy to be around. Because if you are, that will give you the best chance of him looking at you and wondering if just maybe he made a mistake.

Does this strategy work every time? I’m afraid not. But it works enough of the time that it is most certainly worth a try. Not only does it give you the best chance of getting him to change his mind, but if the divorce should go through you have put yourself in the best position to get back together or afterward or at least maintain a healthy relationship until he comes to his senses.

How do I know this? Because I was in this exact situation. My husband was one of those that changed his mind about the divorce. But not until things came down to the wire and not until I made many mistakes that almost cost me my marriage. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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