Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many separated wives intuitively know that having their husband miss them is probably the first step toward a reconciliation.  And although many wives worry about this, they hope that their husband will miss them out of habit, if for nothing else.  After all, when someone has been part of your life for so long, isn’t it normal to think that once that person is no longer immediately available, there will be a natural void?  And it’s normal to hope that this void is going to work to your advantage.

So while the worry may be there, most wives expect that at some point, their husband is going to show signs of missing them. In fact, the question is not always if, but when.  And so you watch closely for signs that this is starting to happen.  When you don’t see any signs of longing, you can wonder if he’s posturing or if you are looking for the signs too early.  And you can start to question yourself as to what might happen if he’s not missing you after all.

Someone might ask: “how long should it take for a separated husband to miss you?  We’ve been separated for almost four weeks.  I’ve held off on telling my husband how much I’ve missed him.  I honestly wanted for him to say it first.  But, if the way that he is acting is any indication, it almost seems as if he doesn’t miss me at all.   He can’t get off the phone with me soon enough.  He never initiates a call or visit.  When we do talk, he wants to talk about all of the exciting things that he is doing since he no longer has the responsibility of a wife and family.  It is as if he is having the time of his life.  My friends say that if I give it a chance and let it ride, he will miss me soon enough.  I’ve known this man for half of my life.  It is as if my left hand is missing.  I yearn for him.  It is truly awful.  But it’s clear that he doesn’t feel the same way.  And I’m starting to think that the feelings have become one-sided.  How long does it take for a husband to miss you?”

It truly does depend on the person and the circumstances.  I totally understand how you feel, but in my own experience, it often takes a bit longer than you might have hoped.  In my own case, I was thinking in terms of multiple hours or days.  What I got was weeks and months.  And yet, I survived.  And we reconciled and are still married today.  In many our ways, the separation ultimately strengthened our marriage, although I would never want to go through this again.

Make Sure That You’re Helping Your Cause:  In my own situation, I honestly believe that I discouraged my husband from missing me by clinging too tightly.  I was always calling, always pressing him to do more than he was ready to do, and I never missed an opportunity to let him know just how much I hated what was happening.  So rather than miss me, he started to avoid me.  Rather than taking the hint, I simply upped my efforts to get his attention, which of course made things worse.  I looked desperate, which is how I felt.

By no means am I implying that you are making the same mistakes that I made.  You likely aren’t.  But I did want to stress that your reactions and behaviors can encourage and discourage him to miss you.  Make sure that you are encouraging rather than discouraging.

A Time Frame:  As far as days, weeks, or months, it truly does vary. And, to be frank, most of the correspondence that I get comes from people who believe that it is taking too long.  Think about it.  The people who are getting the desired result have no reason to reach out to me.  I never hear from that subset of people.

So the vast majority of folks that I hear from are dealing with a husband who hasn’t shown any signs of missing them for weeks or months.  I know that sounds rough.  But you don’t have to assume that this is going to happen for you.  Assuming the worst causes you to project worry and anxiety, which only feeds into the problem.

Back Away To Gain Ground When The Time Is Right:  I learned that you are better off trying to relax about it, give him the opportunity to feel your absence, and make the most of the times when you do interact.  Of course, this is different than just ignoring him and letting huge amounts of time go by without communication.  It’s important to keep in touch, but it’s also important to be very aware of the dynamic that is happening.

If he is cold or resistant, keep things short, light, and upbeat.  Don’t make him reluctant to reach out for fear that every time he does, you are questioning him, making him feel guilty, and reminding him of just how horrible things feel.  I know that it’s difficult, but you want to set it up so that your interactions are positive so that he looks forward to speaking to you.

Once that happens, missing you is usually not very far behind.  I learned that if he doesn’t seem to be missing you, it’s important to be honest with yourself and to ask yourself if you’re doing anything to contribute to that.  In some cases, you can make a few adjustments and completely turn the situation around.

I know about these adjustments because I had to make them myself.  I went from having my husband avoiding me to having my husband pursue me. The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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