Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who don’t feel loved or appreciated by their spouse. Usually, by the time they are bothered enough to try to determine the best course of action to this problem, the issue has been troubling them for quite some time. It’s not unusual for them to have been waiting to see some improvement that, so far, has not materialized. So they are often left wondering how long they should wait before they accept that the love they want and need is never going to come or if they go looking for it somewhere else.

Put into words, this concern might sound something like this: “for the past several years, my husband has treated me like his roommate. He isn’t loving to me at all. If I’m sad or need support about something, I’m not going to get it from him. If I get all dressed up and hope for a compliment about looking nice, I am not going to get it from him. When I talked about this to my mom, she told me that sometimes, I have to provide myself with what I need because a person shouldn’t always expect for their spouse to provide their all of their emotional well being. While I understand what my mother is saying, I need to feel loved by my spouse. I am just the type of person who needs love in my life and I am not getting it from him. My mother says that I just need to be patient with him because he was loving toward me when we first started dating. However, in my mind, I have been patient. How long am I supposed to wait for my spouse to give me the love that I need?” I will try to address this concern in the following article.

Why Wait When You Can Be Proactive Now?: I do understand how this wife was feeling. When you don’t feel seen, heard, and loved in what is the most important relationship of your life, this can feel very lonely and isolating. So I didn’t blame this wife for wanting more from her husband. She had every right to feel that way. But so far, she hadn’t really tried any concrete plan to change things. Sure, she occasionally complained to her husband that he didn’t make her feel loved. But so far, she hadn’t gone beyond this, even when her complaints feel on deaf ears.

So my first suggestion was to try to be very proactive in addressing this rather than just continuing to wait and then being disappointed. Admittedly, you don’t have direct and complete control over your spouse’s behavior, but you can certainly set it up to encourage him to give you what you want.

Encouraging Him To Give You What You Need: The first step would be to be direct and bring your spouse’s attention to this. Now, you have to be careful how you phrase things and how your tone is perceived. You don’t want for him to think things like “here we go again. I get to listen to her complaining and telling me why I’m an awful husband.” Instead, you want to say things in a loving and direct way so that he actually hears what you want for him to hear and so he is actually inspired to take some action instead of tuning you out.

You may say something like: “honey, I need to talk to you about something which may sound petty to you but is very important to me. Remember when we were first dating and you couldn’t complement or appreciate me enough? I miss that. I don’t expect for you to treat me like you did when we first met, but it would mean so much to me if you would notice and comment on it when I look nice.  It would be wonderful if after a long day you would give me a hug and kiss and tell me that you love me. I need to feel and hear that you love me. You’re my husband and this is very important to me. It would mean so much to me if you would make that little effort and I will try to do the same.”

That last sentence is probably the most important one. It’s vital that you do the same. Because you don’t want to ask for your spouse to do something for you if you are not prepared to reciprocate and to offer liberal amounts of praise in return. Here’s why. I would be willing to bet that if you were to talk to the husband in this scenario, he would tell you that he sometimes does make an effort to be loving toward his spouse but either she doesn’t notice, or she is critical of his efforts. If you want him to do more of this, you have to give him tons of positive feedback when he makes the effort. And you have to literally show him what you want by demonstrating it yourself.

Here’s what I mean. If you want more spontaneous hugs from your spouse, fold him into your arms. If you want for him to notice and compliment your appearance, then, you must do the same for him. Yes, I do understand that most husbands won’t explicitly tell you that they want for you to notice these types of things, but it’s important that he sees you make an effort because this gives him very important clues about what you truly want.

Understand that this may be a gradual process. Even if he makes a sincere effort but still misses the mark, it’s important to acknowledge and praise his efforts. If he feels like his efforts are being noticed and appreciated, then he will just naturally want to do more.

But to answer the original question, I don’t think that you should continue to wait to get the love that you want and need from your spouse. Because if you do, you could potentially be waiting for a long and frustrating time. Instead, I think it’s best to be proactive and to ask for and then show him the love that you want. This way, you are much more likely to get it without having to wait.  And you will be moving forward instead of standing still.

I believe that every one deserves to feel loved by their spouse.  If I’m being honest, I have to admit that it wasn’t until my spouse and I separated that we learned how to prioritize one another.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin