Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who worry that they are naive or mistaken because they are still be holding out hope that their husband is going to come home for a reconciliation.  Often, months have passed and people start to give off not so subtle hints that it may be time to move on.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for over seven months.  He was the one who initiated the separation.  I knew that he had many things that he wanted to consider and sort out.  But never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that we would still be living apart.  We do see each other a couple of times per month.  We talk on the phone maybe once per week.  Things are reasonably pleasant but they haven’t turned romantic like I was hoping that they would.  It’s not like my husband is actively rejecting me.  He always seems reasonably happy to see me and he has never turned me down when I’ve asked to see him.  But it seems as if I am always the one initiating the contact.  My husband never mentions what might happen in the future.  And my mother is always asking what is the latest with us and I never have an answer.  Last week, my mom said that we have been separated for too long and that I should no longer hold out hope that things are going to change when it’s very obvious that they aren’t.  In my own mind, I was going to give it a year before I gave up hope.  But is my mom right?  Has it been too long?  Would it just be easier to give up hope right now?”

This really wasn’t a question that anyone but the wife herself could answer.  However, I always get a little upset when anyone other than the couple themselves attempts to make this decision.  In all fairness, I am sure that the mother in this scenario was acting out of love.  She probably hated to see her daughter in pain.  And she figured that if the wife kept right on hoping, then this might only prolong her pain.

You Don’t Know What Tomorrow Will Bring: Every one who loves you likely means well, but here is the thing.  No one can see into the future.  No one truly knows what might happen between this couple.  Sure, sometimes the longer that a couple is apart, the more the intimacy erodes and the harder it becomes to get it back.

But this is a generalization and it certainly isn’t always the case.  I have heard from many couples who were separated for well over a year (and sometimes for even longer than that) who have been able to reconcile after being apart for a long period of time.  Sometimes, one or both of them just has a change of heart.  And, other times, the circumstances change or improve.  But however it happens, it does sometimes happen.

And that is why I would never tell anyone that it is time to give up hope.  Now, admittedly I am extremely stubborn.  When I myself was separated, almost no one held out any hope for our marriage, especially since my husband had made it a habit to avoid me.  And some people weren’t shy about telling me their opinions, which at the time hurt me very much.  Still, as obvious as the reality of the situation appeared to some, I never truly gave up.

Admittedly, there came a point where it was obvious that I should no longer put my life on hold.  It soon became obvious that I might be waiting a really long time for a reconciliation.  And at that time, I reluctantly admitted reality and started living my life.  But in the back of my mind, I always had hope.  That’s probably why I didn’t really date other people or live my life as a single person.

But, to be clear, I most definitely was no longer sitting at home waiting on my husband’s phone calls or whims, but my heart was still open to him and my brain still entertained the possibility that one day, things might change.  And frankly, once I did begin to move on and embrace my own life again, that’s about when I noticed a shift in my husband.  He was suddenly no longer quite as resistant to me.

But to answer the question posed, I would say that I wouldn’t put a time frame on hope.  Every one has a right to continue to hope, as long as you aren’t putting your life on hold or allowing your hope to negatively affect your life.

That’s why I think that it is very important that you don’t put everything on hold while you are waiting to see what will unfold.  This is very unfair to you. You absolutely don’t know what the future holds.  And there is nothing wrong with hoping while combining that with the action that is going to make a reconciliation more likely.

This is your marriage and no one else’s.  Yes, people who love you and are concerned about you may be telling you that it is time to move on, but only you can make that determination.  Most of the time, your heart will tell you whether you are ready or not.  And it’s my opinion that a little hope never hurt anyone as long as you aren’t completely ignoring reality and holding yourself back in some way.

My heart was telling me to not give up, but my logical mind was telling me that I had to live my life to the fullest, even if I wasn’t giving up. Believe it or not, this shift ended up helping my marriage.  It was the start of my husband becoming receptive to me again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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