Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are practically pacing a trail on their floors as they are waiting for their husbands to decide to come back home and work things out. Sometimes, their husband is gone for much longer than they thought or would have hoped. Many times, he won’t give them a straight answer about when, or if, he is coming back.

I recently heard from a wife who said “my husband left our home because he needed space. We didn’t call this a trial separation or give it a name or anything like that. The idea was that he needed some time alone and that eventually when he came back, he would be ready to work things out with me and save our marriage. But it has been several weeks now. And he’s made no firm commitment as to when he is coming back home. When I ask him about coming home directly, he gives me vague answers or flat out tells me that he doesn’t know when it’s going to happen. This is so frustrating to me. When is he coming home so that we can get work things out?”

Unfortunately, only the husband could answer this question for her. But what I could do is tell her some things that she could try to get her husband to come home a little faster. I will discuss them below.

Things That Might Make Your Husband Come Home And Work Things Out A Little Faster: Here’s something that is almost universally true, with very rare exceptions. The more you pressure your husband to do something about which he isn’t sure, the more inclined he is going to be to resist you. I know that backing off on pressuring him to come home as soon as possible feels like a big risk, but more often than not, the bigger risk is to continue using the same old tactic that has failed so many times before.

If you’ve already asked him several times and he still isn’t home, what good is it continuing to ask? Let’s think about your true objective for a second. You want him to come home as soon as possible and you want him to be enthusiastic about so he’ll be willing to work with you on saving your marriage. Since he has already shown resistance to what you are doing, continuing on with the same plan might actually push him to stay away even longer.

Instead, as risky as it might feel, the safer bet is to back off a little bit and have faith that if you give him some space and focus on the positive rather than the negative, then eventually he will willingly come home because instead of working against him, you’re working with him. You’re showing him that you respect his request and you want him to be happy. Once you do this, he no longer has an incentive to avoid or delay talking to you and you will often find that, as a result, you will actually have more (rather than less) access to him.

Understand That It Is In Your Best Interest For Your Husband To Come Home At The Right Time With The Right Attitude: I know that right now, you’re probably thinking that you just want your husband home no matter how this happens. But that truly is a short-sighted goal. Because many wives find that when they push him to come home before he is ready, he doesn’t stay home for long. He’s not fully present because it wasn’t his choice to be there just yet.

But if you wait and give him the room to decide on his own when he’s ready, he will come home with a cooperative attitude and will be more willing to work with you to save the marriage because it is what he wants also.

Painting Yourself As Attractive Rather Than Desperate While Your Husband Is Away: I’d like to make one final point. I really do understand where you are right now. My husband moved out of our house and we were separated for a while before I figured out a way to save my marriage. So I know how desperately you can feel as if you need him home right this very second.

But often these feelings will lead to behaviors that are less than attractive. Perhaps as much as you hate to admit it, you might find yourself waiting by the phone, or driving by where you suspect he is or being the only one who seems to care about the marriage This can lead you to exhibit the part of yourself that is perceived as needy and just not all that attractive. I know that this isn’t fair, but most honest men will tell you that this is just the way that it is.

Men are more attracted to capable women that aren’t so transparent and easy to read. Of course, your husband is going to know that you want him to come home. But does he need to know that getting him home is your sole and perhaps only focus right now? That’s probably not the best idea. Even if you have to force yourself, it’s usually best (and will make you appear more attractive,) if you try to appear busy and capable. Go out with your friends, keep moving forward in your life, and remain positive and easy to be around. If it always makes your husband feel guilty or heavy to be with or think about you, then he’s naturally just going to avoid this, and this isn’t what your marriage needs.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you or predict when your husband will come back home so you can save or work on your marriage. But I can tell you that often if you back off on placing your focus solely on getting him home and more on getting him in the right frame of mind when he does come home, you will usually like the results much better.

As I alluded to, once I took my focus off of getting my husband to come home at all costs, things actually improved between us so that when he did come home, we were much more likely to save our marriage – which is exactly what ended up happening. If it helps, you can read about that very emotional process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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