For How Long Are You Supposed To Remain Faithful While Separated?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are becoming frustrated (and tempted) during a trial or marital separation. Often, the more time that has passed since the beginning of the separation, the more the spouse becomes frustrated at remaining in limbo. Many are asked out by other people and aren’t sure how to respond to this. Some find themselves attracted to others and feel guilty about this because they know that they are still married.
I might hear a comment like: “I have been separated from my husband for about eight months. Sometimes, things between us seem to be improving. But then they will turn sour again so that I feel like the chance of a reconciliation changes depending on what day it is. For the first six months of my separation, I was thinking in terms of just trying my best to save my marriage and reconcile. But as more time passed and my husband never even brought up getting back together, I began to feel discouraged and I began to think of the future without him, at least sometimes. Over the last six weeks, I have become close with a male coworker who has just transferred to my department. My life has really changed since I met this other guy. I am no longer depressed. I no longer hate coming home at night. And, I laugh a lot more than I used to. Last Friday, the other man asked me out. He knows that I am separated, but he also knows that it has been a long time without any positive signals or signs. I have to be honest. I want to go out with this other man. How long are you supposed to be faithful when you have been separated for so long?”
Before I give you my opinion, I have to admit that what I am about to say may not be exactly what you want to hear. I suspect you know this and that I am only voicing what your heart is already telling you. I see things from the perspective of the spouse who didn’t want the separation, but who fought for her marriage the entire time. If my husband had met someone else and had began to date again during our separation, it would have been very difficult for me. But, more than this, it’s my opinion that you should not date other people while you are still married. And if you are in a situation where you think that there is nothing left of your marriage and you are honestly ready to start dating again, then ending your marriage would free you up to date others.
Make Sure You’re Clear About Your Motivations: Sometimes, people are acting out of frustration and loneliness rather than to a true connection to the other person. The fact that you come home to an empty house every night and the fact that your weekends are spent alone can often make the other person seem more attractive and more desirable than they otherwise would have been. In other words, because it’s been so long since you’ve been in a fulfilling relationship, you’re very vulnerable to feeling this way about someone else.
Clearing The Air: That said, getting no real resolution isn’t completely fair to you. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a discussion about this. But, I would caution you to use care here. You don’t want to apply pressure and you don’t want to tell your spouse that you are tired of waiting, especially if you still want to save your marriage on some level. But there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse where he is in the process.
You might try something like: “do you have a minute to discuss our status? I know that we don’t have any resolution to our separation. And I’m not trying to pressure you. That’s not my intention. But I am wondering if you can share with me what you might be thinking or feeling in terms of our future. Do you still potentially see a future with me if we can work through our issues?”
If his response indicates that he might be willing to still save your marriage, then that is your cue to very gently try to nudge him toward taking real action or moving to the next step. For example, if he indicates that he still sees a future with you, then you might respond with asking him what is standing in your way. When he identifies the obstacles, then your next question would be how you the two of you can over come this. Perhaps the next step is counseling. Or, if that’s not feasible, then perhaps the next thing is getting together regularly to talk it out. Whatever it is, if you can set it up where you feel as if you’re at least making some progress, then you will be much less likely to want to be unfaithful.
But to answer the question posed, it’s my opinion that there are no definitive rules about this. But I think that it is mostly assumed that it’s optimal for people to remain faithful during a separation, because you are still married, after all. If you’d like some encouragement about saving your marriage when things look bleak, feel free to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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