How Does A Husband Really Feel After He Moves Out?
By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that the first couple of days after a spouse moves out can feel truly awful. It’s an incredibly sad, scary, and confusing time. You know how bad it is for you. But what you don’t know is what it is like for him. I’m going to be honest. After my own husband moved out, I literally pictured him doing a happy dance in his new apartment. I thought that he felt nothing but relief to be rid of me and was basking in his newfound freedom. And frankly, every time I talked to or communicated with him in any way, he did nothing to change this perception.
I don’t think that I am alone in this thinking. I get a lot of correspondence from wives who are wondering about their husband’s feelings since he moved out. And many husbands just do not share their feelings during this time, so you are only left speculating. A wife might explain: “my husband moved out of our home three days ago. I guess we are now officially separated. Since that time, we have only spoken twice. Both times, my husband’s voice sounded as if he were on top of the world. He’s hoping this space will make what he wants more clear to him. Well, it seems to me that he is enjoying his space an awful lot. But when I mentioned this to him, he tried to deny it and he asked me why I was making so many assumptions when it had only been a few days. I get what he is saying, but I feel that I have no choice but to make assumptions when he doesn’t share how he’s feeling. How do men feel when they move out?”
I can share with you what separated men have shared with me when they’ve reached out on my blog. And I can share what my husband told me about his feelings once we reconciled (because he would not share these feelings initially.) Of course, every husband is different, but maybe the information will help just the same.
A Small Sense Of Relief: Don’t take the word “relief” in the wrong way. We often assume that he’s glad to be away from us, but most of the time, he is glad that there is a pause in all of the turmoil and he’s somewhat glad to that the “moving out” part is behind him. The hope is that the healing and the soul searching can begin. Honestly, very few men describe the “happy dance” scenario that I outlined above. Very few admit to feeling a sense of rejoice and freedom. Instead, most give off the impression that they are thinking something like: “OK, well moving out wasn’t fun, but now that part is behind me so let me move on with the soul searching and the growing that I need to do.”
Loneliness: I know that we don’t always believe this, but it’s very normal for a man who has lived with someone for years and who is used to always having someone to talk to be lonely when all of that is gone. Sure, a newly separated man will sometimes go out with friends and make an attempt to spend very little time at his new apartment in order to avoid loneliness. But there is usually no way to avoid this 24/7. At some point, he has to be alone with himself and with his thoughts. And when he is, he usually finds that it’s very quiet and very isolating. And this can give way to loneliness.
A Questioning Of Whether He Did The Right Thing: Many of us assume that moving out just solidifies our husband’s resolve to be alone and have his space. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes when he has that alone time and he finds that it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, he may begin to question if all of this is going to be worth it. He may ask himself why he chose to cause pain if all he is getting in return is uncertainty.
Of course, I’m painting a pretty dire picture here. But I wanted to show that although we wives often assume that he’s blissful and relieved, there are other possibilities also. Sure, some husbands do feel relief and they like the pause of the conflict. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t have doubts and regrets.
So, does this mean that he may reach out or share with you that moving out didn’t provide the relief that he hoped? That would be great, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen. Many people are reluctant to immediately admit a mistake. And many hope that things will get better as they become used to the situation. Some tell themselves that they need to be more patient and others are determined to take all the time that they need.
And of course, every one is different. This is just a sampling of the feelings that have been shared with me. That’s why it can be important to not make assumptions or to assume that he’s having the time of his life – even if he’s trying to represent that to you. The truth is that moving out of your home is often going to bring about a period of adjustment that brings out doubts and maybe some sadness. And feelings can also definitely fluctuate from one day to the next also. How he feels or perceives things may change over time.
I’m glad that I saw the progression of my husband’s feelings. Because I honestly assumed the worst in the beginning. And it was a waste of time. More of the story of our very gradual reconciliation is at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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