Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who want nothing more than to save their marriage but who are afraid that this is going to be an impossible task. One reason that they might believe this is because their spouse is telling them that he isn’t happy and therefore wants out of the marriage. So, although these wives’ greatest wish might be to save their marriage, they sometimes wonder if this is even going to be possible when it appears that they are the only one who cares about whether it survives or not.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband has been telling me that he is unhappy in our marriage for the last seven months. We went on a vacation together and out of the blue, he said that the vacation made him realize how he wasn’t living his truth at home and how being married to me felt like it was stifling him. I told him that I would do everything in my power to support him in his quest to be more fulfilled. He cut back on his work hours and he started doing more volunteer work so that he would feel as if he had more meaning in his life. This really seemed to help and I was hopeful that this was the start of him coming back to our marriage. Well, two weeks ago, he surprised me again by telling me that he wanted out of our marriage. He said that he had been thinking about this for months and that he had gone back and forth in his heart but that ultimately, he wants out. I wasn’t completely floored, but I wasn’t exactly expecting it because things seemed to be better. Is there any way at all that I can save my marriage when he’s nearly certain that he wants out? Is it impossible?”

I don’t think that anything is impossible. And my own experience is an indication that marriages on the brink of destruction can find a way. But, I will admit that when you are in this situation, things can look extremely discouraging. You can begin to wonder if you are being a fool or are only setting yourself up for more disappointment. That’s why I think it’s very important to strike a balance. I believe that you can begin to move forward in your own life while still trying to set up the circumstances that will help you to save your marriage. I will discuss this more below.

Don’t Announce That You Are Trying To Save Your Marriage. Make It Appear That You Are Just Trying To Keep Things Moving Along In A Positive Way: I am not going to tell you to lie to your husband or to be deceptive. But sometimes when you announce that you’re still going to try to save your marriage or you say things like: “I’m going to change your mind, you’ll see,” then all that you are really doing is running the risk that he will be even more resistant in order to prove you wrong. Instead, you want to just make it appear that you are simply trying to maintain some closeness because he will always be important to you. No one will really resist that stance. And that allows you to still have access to your husband in a low-pressure situation.

Encourage Him To Work On Himself By Offering Support, Not Judgment: I wouldn’t suggest just blurting out that your husband needs counseling. He isn’t likely to take very kindly to this. But I can not tell you how many wives I hear from who have a husband who wants out of the marriage when he is also struggling in many other areas of his life. Many husbands have a crisis of the soul and they suddenly want to discard all that is familiar to them – including their wives and their marriages. The wives will sometimes very gently try to point out that his unhappiness with the marriage began when the restlessness about his life began. But, the husbands don’t always listen because they think that the wives are only saying this to save the marriage.

However, if a counselor or other trusted person said this, then it might matter. It is not at all uncommon for husbands to want to discard their marriages when they are depressed or discouraged about something that has nothing to do with their marriages. Sometimes, if they get help for the other issue, they will see that the marriage was never the problem.  If you can’t nudge your husband toward counseling, encourage him to work on himself or offer to listen to his concerns.

Be A Source Of Support, Not Of Stress: When your husband wants out, it’s only natural to want to cling. You are motivated by fear. You are afraid that once you let him out of your sight, you are going to lose your grip on him and you might not ever get it back. But, often the tighter you grab hold, the harder he tries to pull away. I believe that one of the worst things that you can do is to come on too forcefully here. Because you absolutely do not want him to start avoiding you or to start seeing you as something that is standing in the way of his happiness. The trick is to make him feel better when he is around you instead of worse.

And I say trick because it is a trick for you as well as him. It can be very difficult to pull this off when your heart is breaking, but try very hard to do your best. The more positive feedback he gets when he is around you, the more access you will have. The more access you have, the better the chance is that you will be able to save your marriage.

Give Yourself The Same Consideration As You Are Giving To Him: Your husband is not the only one who needs support right now. You do as well. Be very gentle with yourself and consider getting some support also. Your husband needs to see that you respect yourself enough to continue doing what you love. Now is not the time to retreat and give in to the fear and doubt. It is the time to stand up and get moving despite it. I know that this sounds backward and almost impossible. But it is very common for wives in this situation to see their husband suddenly take an interest in them and the marriage when they first take an interest in themselves.

I hope that this has helped. I can’t promise that all of these things will work flawlessly, but I believe that they can certainly help.  When I was trying to save my own marriage, I couldn’t help but notice that when I turned to positive thinking and extreme self care, it almost always helped my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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