Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Often, people separate because they hope that the time apart will help to make the course of their marriage more clear.  The hope is often that one or both of the spouses will realize that they miss one another and really do want or need to stay together.  But, this hope doesn’t always become a reality.  Sometimes, it seems that the distance continues to grow or, although things do not get worse, they don’t really get better either.  And, due to this lack of improvement, people can begin to ask themselves if their marriage is over.

A wife might say: “we have been separated for about four months.  It was always our plan that we would regroup and come back together.  But that hasn’t happened.  In fact, every week it seems as if we talk to one another and see one another less and less.   We don’t ever talk about our marriage or the future of it.  The other day, one of my friends said that my marriage is clearly over.  She said the only question is really which one of us is going to file for divorce and when this is going to happen. I don’t know why, but I was so hurt and shocked when she said that. How do you know that your marriage is over when you’re separated, especially when you don’t see each other regularly?”  I’ll try to honestly answer these questions in the following article.

I will freely admit that I’m not an objective person when it comes to this topic.  I was separated from my husband for months before he told me that he felt as if our marriage was over.  I disagreed.  I suspected that it wasn’t over for me and I hung on.  Eventually, we reunited and saved our marriage and today, I am very glad that I didn’t give up.  However, I concede that there are times when it is truly over.  From my observations, I have a definite opinion about what to look for to indicate that it’s over.  I’ll share these with you below.

Both Of You Feel That There’s Nothing Left To Fight For And You Have No Regrets:  I firmly believe that when your marriage is really and truly over, a sense of indifference washes over you.  There is almost a sense of peace.  No one is angry any longer.  There’s no animosity or regret because you know that your marriage has come to its natural end.  If you are not sure that you are at this place, ask yourself how you would feel if you saw your spouse kissing a new lover passionately or standing at the end of a church aisle waiting to get remarried.  When it isn’t over, these images will elicit some sort of feelings within you.  It may be jealousy.  It may be sorrow.  It may be regret.  But I feel that if you honestly feel nothing at these images, then perhaps the end is near for you.

The Idea Of Any Touching Your Spouse In Any Way Isn’t An Attractive Option: One exercise that I find extremely helpful for couples that have problems is touching while interacting.  And I don’t necessarily mean sexual touching.  It could be just touching shoulders or placing your hand over theirs.  But I find that it’s very hard not to listen to someone or to continue to bring angry with them when you are touching.  However, some couples are pretty turned off by the idea of this, even when I’m not talking about sexual touching.  They won’t even consider it.  And for these couples, I’m often concerned.  Because if you aren’t willing to simply touch, then your marriage has probably been damaged for quite some time. Further, if you can’t or won’t even touch your spouse, then it doesn’t seem as if you are willing to put even a minimal amount of time or effort into it.

You Aren’t Willing To Wait For Or Move Toward A Resolution: As I’ve alluded to, I was willing to wait as long as it took for my husband to come around.  My marriage was simply that important to me.  But, this isn’t true of anyone.  Some people lose their patience with this process and they are more interested in moving on than in waiting.  Or, they aren’t willing to put in the time or the hard work that is going to be necessary to save their marriage.  And this is their decision.  But it’s often one that indicates that their marriage might be over. But I believe that as long as one or both people are willing to do whatever it takes, or are actively moving toward a resolution, then that provides at least some hope.

In My Opinion, Strong Or Negative Feelings Don’t Necessarily Mean That Your Marriage Is Over: People often tell me that they feel strong anger, hatred, or resentment toward their spouse and so they worry that this means that their marriage is over.  They figure the stronger their negative feelings, the more likely that it is that things are coming to an end.  I disagree with this.  Even negative feelings can be strong feelings and they can indicate that you still care enough to feel.  Generally speaking, when it is truly over, you will feel indifference rather than negatively.

I have to admit that I wasn’t always confident that I could turn things around when my husband felt that it was over.  But I made a commitment to see it through until a divorce was final.  It wasn’t always an easy process but my determination paid off because we are still together and our problems are a thing of the past.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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