How Do You Know If Your Husband Is Never Coming Back To You?
By: Leslie Cane: You would like to think that when you are going through a very challenging time in your life – like dealing with a marital separation, for example – that the people in your life would limit themselves to only providing positive feedback and support. There has never been a more appropriate time to stick to the old adage: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Unfortunately, not everyone can adhere to this. People who we love and people whose opinions we seek out and value can be the very ones whose careless comments hurt us the most. They do not realize how those careless, flippant comments can cut us to the core. Not only do we have to deal with the hurt, but we have to be able to honestly evaluate if their words have any merit, which can be difficult when we are already so emotionally raw.
Here is an example. A separated wife might surround herself with her best girlfriends who have always been there for her. They may be out to dinner when a man notices the wife and starts trying to flirt with her. The wife might explain: “we were actually having a good time when a couple of guys came up. One started flirting with my friend and the other started flirting with me. I felt very uncomfortable and at that point I decided to call it an early night. I told my friends that I had a headache and was going home. The friend who was flirting with the other guy became angry. And she angrily blurted out: ‘your husband is never coming back. Not ever. I don’t know what it is going to take for you to realize it, accept it, and start living your life.’ I was so hurt and shocked. And I couldn’t think of anything to say in response, so I just left. The next day, my friend called and apologized. I told her not to worry about it, but now I am the one worrying about it. Now I wonder if she was telling me the truth. How do you know if your husband is never coming back? Is it possible that the signs are there and I’m just not reading them? I admit that things have not gone well during our separation and that, right now, my husband does not seem very interested in coming back. But to say he’s never coming back? That seems harsh because we haven’t been separated for that long. How do I know if my friend is right? What are the signs that I should be looking for?
My answer is going to be biased. I admit that right away. But I don’t think that there are any cut and dried signs that always mean that your husband is never coming back. My husband was not interested at first either, and yet he eventually came back.
One might tell you that when there is another woman, there’s a good possibility that he’s not coming back. And yet I’ve known couples who have actually moved in with other people who have eventually gotten back together.
I’ve known couples who have insulted each other and vowed to never want to see each other again who have gotten back together. I’ve heard of couples who have moved across the country from one another and who have eventually reconciled. And although it is more rare, I’ve heard from people who actually married others and then much later, down the road, remarried.
So, to me, there are very few true signs that he is “never” coming home. “Never” is a very hard word to fulfill because it’s so restrictive and no one can predict the future. People change their minds. They have a change of heart. Circumstances and feelings change. People get counseling and learn different ways to solve their problems.
I am not saying that this happens in every care. Sometimes, husbands do not come back. But, since you can’t see the future and you’re clearly still invested in your marriage, it truly is up to you whether or not you’re going to let your friend’s off-handed remark (which she probably said when she was motivated by her flirting with the other guy) dissuade you.
Believe me, I had plenty of people giving me their unfavorable opinion about my husband’s thoughts and motivations. Many of them weren’t shy in telling me that my marriage was over. Needless to say, this was upsetting. But one day I decided that none of them could possibly know the outcome. They weren’t clairvoyant and they couldn’t read my husband’s mind. And even if they could, what he was thinking today may not have been what he was going to think tomorrow.
So I decided that I was going to control what I could. I was going to try to make every conversation and every meeting count. I was going to work on myself. And I was not going to cloud the future with worry and naysaying.
It was not easy. I think it’s easier to “give in” to the negativity sometimes. And there were times when I just had to tune people out. It was hard but it paid off. This wasn’t easy because these were people who I loved and whose opinions I valued. But they didn’t know what was going to happen with my marriage anymore than they knew who would win the Super Bowl that year. It’s all just guessing. And when something is as important as your marriage, you shouldn’t base your actions on a careless guess. At least that is my experience. If I had listened to people’s guesses, I’d probably be divorced today. And I’m very glad that’s not the case. The whole story is at my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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