Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when you have to watch your marriage ending and know that it is at least in part your fault. It’s even harder when you know that you could change things if only given a chance. But you don’t know if you will ever get that chance. Since it is not your decision as to whether or not you deserve it. This decision is entirely up to your husband, who you have hurt or disappointed him in the past. And, as a result, you are now having serious difficulty in making him believe that the future could be different.

Someone might find themselves in a situation like this: “I will admit that I have always had trouble with lies. Even as a small child, I would lie when there was absolutely no reason to do it. Maybe it was just to see if I could get away with it. Most of the time, my lies don’t really end up being hurtful. But sometimes, they do. Recently, I neglected to pass on information that my husband’s family asked me to share. Frankly, I forgot about it and then, because I did not want to not look stupid, I told my husband that they never gave me the information. He found the email I deleted. I tried to feign ignorance, but my husband has dealt with my lies for years and so he could be pretty certain that there was no misunderstanding. I simply lied. On top of this, I lied to my husband about promotions and raises at work. I did not get one. So, to save face, I told him that no one in my department got one. Well, he saw one of my co workers at the store and so my lie was exposed. He came home and told me that he can no longer live with someone who lies constantly. He packed a bag and left. I heard from him a couple of days later and he is staying with one of our friends. I told him that I would change and that I would see a counselor to stop my lying. He said he doesn’t believe me because I always lie and now I’m just making promises to trick him into coming back. The thing is, I am truly serious about changing. How can I get him to give me another chance? Our marriage was pretty good, but he got really fed up with this issue. I feel like if I can remove the issue, our marriage can be good again. But that is only if I can convince him to give me a chance.”

Getting a reluctant spouse to give you another chance can be tricky. A reluctant spouse can have some doubts about your claims or promises of change, but this is never more true than when your core issue is lying. He doubts everything you say because he has been conditioned to think that you are lying. Breaking this doubt is going to take some time and some decent planning. Below, I will offer some tips that I’ve found helpful in similar situations. However, there often isn’t one magic thing to do or say. Because you’re dealing with a spouse who has doubts, you have to be patient. And you have to accept that this might be gradual. If you push, then your spouse will think that your promises aren’t real and that your changes aren’t genuine.

Don’t Make Any Claims That You Can’t Back Up: I think that in this case, it might be unrealistic to tell your spouse that you will never lie again. By your own admission, you’ve lied over the course of many years. You don’t mean this in a malicious way. It has simply become a habit. Research tells us that most habits take at least a month to be broken. So promising that you will change immediately just isn’t realistic on so many levels.

But what you can honestly say is that you are going to get help in order to change. You can make an appointment with a counselor and you’d telling the complete truth when you share this with your husband. You can educate yourself about what contributes to this and how you might gradually break this habit. Don’t make claims that can’t possibly be true, but share whatever help you’re getting or what steps that you are taking.

Accept That It Will Likely Take Proving Yourself Over Time Before Your Spouse Truly Feels No Reservations In Giving You Another Chance: Just for a second, I’d like for you to think of a situation where you were scared or hesitant to do something. Think about what it took to win you over. Here’s an example that I just thought of.  Many people were thinking about buying a home at the time the housing recovery started. But, many of them waited because they wanted to see if the economic data would continue to show that it was “safe” to go into the housing market. Your spouse is watching you in the same way. They are probably going to need you to show them change more than once before they truly believe in you again. And, this is understandable.

Have patience. Know that anything worthwhile is worth waiting for. And tell yourself that it’s vital that you truly work and better yourself rather than just striving to get your spouse back as soon as possible without worrying about long term change. Because really, you want to get him back at the right time and in the right way so that you can legitimately make good on your claims and show him that he was absolutely right in giving you another chance. Because for many people, you won’t get another chance if you lure him in only to resort back to your old ways. Many spouses will only give you a few chances – at the most. So don’t waste it. Make sure that any claims you make are true.

I knew without any doubt that I was only going to get one chance with my husband once we were separated.  I had to work very hard and wait quite a long time for that chance.  But in the meantime, I worked hard on myself so that the chance wouldn’t be in vain. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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