Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Believe it or not, many people facing a trial or marital separation are not familiar with the workings of them. What I mean by that is that, even in this age of high divorce rates, not everyone has lived through (or close to) a separation or divorce. So, when they are facing this prospect themselves, they are not sure how it should look or how they should act during it.

Someone might ask, “My husband has said that he wants to separate from me for a minimum of six weeks to see where we are after this pause. He feels that our relationship is not what it was when we first met. He indicates that he feels a great deal of stress with the way that things are. However, he hasn’t said much more than this. He makes it sound like he will visit and we will speak regularly. But, he is not specific enough that I have any idea how we are supposed to act around one another. Lately, he has been pretty cold to me and I’m wondering if this stance is going to keep on during the separation or if we are supposed to try acting in new, different, and improved ways in the hope that this elevates our marriage. Honestly, this is how I would want it to go. But I don’t want to overstep my bounds. Both of our parents are still married. Most of our friends are young and therefore newly married. So no one close to me has gone through this and, as silly as it sounds, I just don’t know how to act. How do most separated couples approach this? Do they fight? Do they act lovey dovey? What should I prepare myself for?”

Honestly, I wish I could give a concrete answer. But people act in various and different ways. And, people’s behaviors and feelings can drastically change over the course of a separation. The examples given (lovely dovey or combative) are both behaviors that you may see.

In The Beginning, You May See Tentative Hesitation: Initially, many couples feel one another out. In fact, it is common for people to be slightly tentative in the early days. They don’t want to say or do anything that might upset their spouse or cause things to be even worse. So you might see relatively decent behavior at first – UNLESS one spouse acts in a way that the other deems as not desirable.

The About Face That Can Happen When Mistakes Occur: Obviously, you want to do everything in your power to avoid undesirable behavior that you will eventually regret. This happened in my case and it almost meant that I ended up permanently alone. In the beginning stages of my own separation, my husband made it clear that he wanted space. I hoped that he would change his mind once he missed me, but he was upset that I never gave him that opportunity. So yes, he was cold and standoffish because he was let down that things were not going as he’d hoped. I held on even more tightly, which meant that the first weeks of our separation were pretty disastrous. There were many preventable misunderstandings, which lead to both of us acting in unfortunate, embarassing ways.

Setting And Listening To Boundaries: My best advice here is to listen to what your spouse has asked for and to try to act accordingly. If you try affection and your spouse is receptive to it, then, by all means, keep going. But if your husband continues to ask for space, then it is best to follow his lead so that things do not deteriorate. If at all possible, try to agree on boundaries, contact, and schedules BEFORE he moves out. This will make your life so much easier.

Making Progress Toward The Issues That Separated You In The First Place: Many people want to know how much work on their marriage should be attempted during the separation. It is ideal if you can get your spouse to agree to counseling or some sort of self-help before he moves out. This way, you know that you have a set time to see one another and to try to move forward. If he is resistant, then you may have to back off on that and work on yourself first. You don’t need to dismantle your marriage while it is fragile. What is most important is to try to maintain positive communications. Take what he gives you and speak to him in upbeat, positive tones so that he doesn’t have to tiptoe around you and doesn’t feel the need to avoid you. Even if you are not able to talk about your major issues, your goal should still be that he looks forward to seeing or speaking with you again.

This is more difficult than it sounds. When things go well, it’s so easy to push for more before he is receptive. Try very hard to go with the flow, even when you have to force yourself to do so. There may be times when you worry about what your husband is doing or how he is feeling. During these periods of time, resist the urge to make demands or to lash out – even though I know that this can feel impossible.

The Luxury And Hindsight Of Time Can Improve Behaviors, Actions, And Outcomes: It can be very important to remember that this is a gradual process that just takes time. We all want to see improvements and reconciliations in one day, but this so rarely happens. Give yourself the time to make real and gradual progress that will actually last so that your marriage can actually endure. We all want the quick fix. But sometimes, this backfires and reconciling more than once is even more difficult, which leads me to my next point.

Know That Sometimes, Change Starts With You: When we have a husband who initiates the separation, it is very easy to think that this all lies with him – that he is the one who is going to have to make the decisions and come to the realizations. But nothing says that you can’t do your own soul searching and figure out what you want, where you fit in with this, and what you can do (during this process and when you reconcile) to ensure that you move past this once and for all and can be happy and productive again.

The Bottom Line On How To “Act:” Here is my best advice as someone who has stumbled through this. Act like yourself, but put the best version of yourself on display every chance you get. It’s very easy to be petty, angry, and insecure when you fear that you’re losing your marriage or your spouse. Try very hard to resist these temptations and focus on the long term. It is possible to have this process work for you, but you have to remain calm and positive.

I can tell you from personal experience that at times, the separation can feel traumatic and quite scary. At the same time, you will learn more about yourself and your own resilience than you might ever imagine. And when you and your husband make progress and have those sweet moments where you are reconnecting and rediscovering one another again, then you can even begin to realize that some of this very painful process benefitted you because it gave you insights that you may not have otherwise have had. As much as I never would have believed it, in many ways the separation did improve our marriage. I don’t take anything for granted and I cherish that I have my husband. I believe he feels the same way and we both work much harder to maintain what we’ve achieved.  You can read more about our reconcilation and our marriage now here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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