How Do Men Know They’re No Longer In Love With Their Wives?
By: Leslie Cane: Many women aren’t sure how their husbands have come to the conclusion that they are no longer in love with them. Many of these husbands have made this announcement seemingly out of the blue and without any warning. As a result, the wives are sometimes a bit suspicious of the underlying causes. They wonder how he knows for sure he is no longer in love and they’d very much like to pinpoint what he’s basing his assertions upon.
A wife might explain: “a couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that he was no longer in love with me. This took me completely off guard because there was no real warning about this. Just a couple of months ago, we celebrated our anniversary and he was very loving to me. We share most everything and he hasn’t seemed off or weird to me. So I just cannot imagine what he is basing this on. I tried to ask him how he knew he didn’t love me anymore and his reply as ‘I just know.’ I then responded ‘how, exactly do you know?’ And he said that it was hard to explain but that he was sure of his feelings. So my question is how do men know that they are no longer in love. What do they base this on? Because I admit that I don’t get goose bumps every time I look at my husband any more either, but I still love him. Because my expectations are realistic. But I have the feeling that his are not.” I will respond to these questions in the following article.
Men Often Base Their Claims That They’re No Longer In Love On Subjective Things That Are Hard To Define: Society seems to have a perception that women’s feelings of love are based on subjective emotions while men’s are not. I don’t believe that this is true. Because I dialog with a lot of men in this situation on my blog and when they are talking about no longer being in love with their wife, they’ll give reasons like they no longer feel as close to her, they live as if they were roommates, or the spark is no longer there.
Quite interestingly, these are often the exact same reasons that wives give for falling out of love with their husbands. However, with this said, it’s often pretty easy to pick up on some key differences between husbands and wives when it comes to being “in love” with their spouse. And that is that wives tend to hang on for much longer if they feel that things are beginning to deteriorate. While a wife might wonder if her husband is enhancing her life or holding it back, she’s much more likely to hold off on making a judgement call until some time has gone by. I am not going to tell you that this is true of all men or of all women. But I have definitely noticed that although both wives and husbands cite the same reasons for falling out of love, women are less likely to act on this than men are. Now that I’ve made that point, I’ll go over some common reasons that men make for no longer being in love.
“We Just Don’t Have The Chemistry Anymore.” Or, “I’m No Longer Physically Attracted To Her:” I am sure that you suspect that men will give sexual or physical reasons for falling out of love. And you would be right about that. It’s not uncommon for a man to tell you that the spark is gone or that the attraction has waned. And believe me, this hurts. But it may help to know that sometimes when the marriage improves and when both people place their focus on creating more physical intimacy, these sparks can absolutely reignite. So as hurtful as it can be to hear him use this reasoning, this is something that absolutely can be overcome.
“She Brings Me Down. I Feel Tied Down Because Of Her:” This is a common one also. And, it’s my opinion that a husband will sometimes use this as an excuse when life is not going his way. Perhaps he hasn’t progressed far enough along with his career. Or, he has given up his dreams. Or he doesn’t make time for fun and adventure. Of course, he is disappointed in all of these things. But instead of taking responsibility for them, he blames the person who is most convenient – his wife. Unfortunately, pointing this out usually won’t get you very far. Instead, you’ll often do better to make it clear that you support him in whatever he feels that he needs to do.
“We’re Just Not Compatible. We Fight All The Time:” Here’s another common one. People often find that the stressors of day to day life erodes their bond and causes them to lash out at one another rather than supporting and reassuring one another. Also, couples can get into bad or destructive habits and not even realize that this is happening. They get used to lashing out or fighting and so these ways of communicating or interacting become ways of living that become commonplace until someone finally realizes that things have gone too far. Again though, if you can learn new ways of interacting or communicating, you can overcome this as well.
“I Just Want A Fresh Start. I Don’t Want To Be Married Anymore:” This one is particularly frustrating because the wife hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong. It’s just that the husband feels as if his life isn’t going the way that he wants it to so that he equates distancing himself from his wife as the “fresh start” that he needs. And when he begins to feel this way and begins to pull away, he can become sure that he no longer loves his wife when it may be that he just no longer loves the life that he himself has created for himself.
What Can You Do If You’re Hearing These Things?: First, keep things in perspective. As you can see from the above, many of these reasons are subjective and don’t have anything to do with you. However, you can take control by fixing those problems that you can change. For example, if he’s saying the chemistry isn’t there, then that is something that you can address. But if he’s saying he wants a fresh start, then you are better off being patient, supportive and waiting for him to realize that he’s wrong and he’s unfair. Because unfortunately, when he’s right in the middle of this identity crisis, he often will not listen to reason. So you are usually much better off appearing supportive rather than arguing, being accusatory, or letting him know how selfish you think he’s being.
My husband gave many of the above reasons when he told me he didn’t love me in the way that he used to and we separated. And, I had to address many of these issues before we could save our marriage. If it helps, you can read about how I overcome these things on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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