Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  A lot of the correspondence that I get has to do with communication during a separation.  Much of the time, one spouse thinks that the communication is too much and another thinks that it is not enough.  Or one spouse does not like the format of the communication, while the other thinks that it is just fine.  Generally speaking, the spouse who wanted the space or the separation is fine with less contact and communication, while the spouse who did not want it (or who is more invested in saving the marriage) wants more contact.

This is a generality, though.  The situation doesn’t always begin this way. Nor does it always stay this way.  Sometimes, the spouse who wants space actually begins to crave more contact, while the spouse who never wanted to separate in the first place suddenly likes their freedom.  However it happens, it is not unusual for one spouse to want a little less communication and for the other to want a little more.  But, not everyone is sure how to express this without it hurting someone else’s feelings or being misunderstood.

Someone might say: “here is the great irony of this whole thing.  I am not the one who wanted the separation in the first place.  My husband is the one who really pushed for us living apart for a while.  I begged him not to do this, but he insisted that it was the only way to see how we really felt about our marriage.  I anticipated that he would slowly drift away from me, while I would cling too tightly.  And this IS what happened  – in the beginning.  But in time, we started to switch places.  My husband seemed to start missing me at about the three month mark, and I began to like my freedom a little more at about the same time.  In the early days of our separation, we would talk every couple of days.  Well, now my husband calls every day – sometimes more.  And if for some reason I am not home, he wants to know why.  He’s become very needy about these calls.  It’s ironic that I’m the one who feels like the calls are too much when I was the one calling in the beginning. But now I do feel that it is too much.  Sometimes,  I don’t want to pick up if I am doing something else.  I do love my husband.  I do want to talk to him.  But not several times per day.  How do I communicate this to him without hurting his feelings?  I don’t want him to think that I am not interested in him or our marriage.  I do want to reconcile one day.  But I am honestly enjoying the time to myself for a little while.  How do I say this without everything blowing up?”

The Delicacy Of This Situation: This is tricky. And it’s always interesting when the tides turn a little bit.  You want to be honest with him, but you don’t want to make it sound like a rejection.  And you don’t want to shut him down so that he isn’t calling at all anymore. You just want to have more control about when it is happening.

Defining What You Truly Want: I would start by asking yourself what is most objectionable.  Before you talk to him about this, ask yourself which calls bug you the most.  Is it the call that comes right before your yoga class or your book club or when you are doing something else?  Is it the call where he wants to discuss something that you have already been over time and time again?

It’s important to understand which calls are the most problematic because these are the ones you will address.  (It’s important to be very specific.) And it’s vital to understand the dynamic of what is happening so that you can approach it appropriately.  Is it a manner of control so that he feels that he’s not in control if he lets you call him?  Or is he just looking for reassurance?

Try To Give Him Alternatives: If you find that you are talking about problems or issues that come up over and over again, consider scheduling a time to discuss those.  Believe it or not, this works.  I know because my husband used this approach with me.  At first, we set a weekly time for counseling.  But later, we met on weekends to discuss specific things for a while.  That way, I knew that there was going to be a time when I was heard and given undivided attention, so I didn’t need to call every time I thought about the issue.

Now, once you’ve defined these things, you might try something like: “Hi, honey.  It’s good to hear from you, but I am walking into yoga right this second.  Can I call you back in a couple of days?”  Or, if he launches into something that you just don’t want to talk about or have already discussed endlessly, try: “you know I was thinking about this.  As evidenced by the amount of time we talk about this, I sometimes think that we are going round and round on this topic.  Maybe we should see someone to talk about and get it resolved so that we can spend our time talking about other, more pleasurable things.  I want for us to have nice conversations that we can look forward to.”

Do you see what I’m doing here?  I’m trying to give you more control over the schedule.  You’re training him to sometimes delay the conversation and you are seeking expert help to resolve the things that you end up talking about over and over.  (You could also do this with self help and set aside some time each week, but this takes discipline.)  It’s important for both of you to look forward to the conversations.  Because you want them to really count. You do not want for them to become drudgery and you certainly don’t want to start having to dodge your husband.

I know this because I was on the other side of the fence.  I was the husband in this scenario.  I called my husband too much and I was devastated when he started to avoid me because of this.  I finally got the hint, rearranged the schedule, and let him call me sometimes.  This really did change everything.  He eventually started pursuing me some.  And the tide began to turn.   You can read more about that turnaround on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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