How Do I Stay Strong After My Husband Left Me?
By: Leslie Cane: Even women who consider themselves independent and self sufficient can struggle after their husband leaves them or initiates a marital separation. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring, you’re lonely, you’re scared, and you’re often feeling abandoned. But, you usually can see that when you act in the way that you are feeling, your husband doesn’t like it. Seeing you this way forces him to come face to face with his actions and this brings about feelings of guilt that he’d rather not feel. So it can become obvious that you need to get a handle on your emotions. But this is often easier said than done.
Someone might say: “since my husband left me, I am a mess. I am not normally like this. My husband often traveled for long periods of time. So it wasn’t like I depended on him for everything. I can run the house by myself. I am more than capable of that. It’s not really a matter of being physically strong. It is a matter of being emotionally strong. I cry all of the time. I call him more than I should. I can’t keep my train of thought. It’s hard for me to act like myself at work or even in front of my friends. I know that I have to stop this. But I’m having trouble doing so. How do you stay strong when your husband leaves you?”
I can’t pretend to be an authority on this. I too was a mess when my husband left me. And if I am being honest, I have to say that probably the only thing that forced me to pick myself up was the fact that I knew I had to. My husband did not react well to my crying, stumbling self. Every time I presented myself in this way, he avoided me or so clearly was annoyed, that it became obvious that I was never going to get him back that way. Plus, eventually, I just got tired of feeling helpless. What I did was more of an accident than any grand plan on my part. But here are some things that worked for me.
Know That Showing Strength Might Help With The Separation: You probably already know this, but men often don’t see women who can’t stand on their own two feet as attractive. Seeing you cry and make him feel guilty probably isn’t much of a turn on to him. And if you act strong, you will often feel strong eventually.
Remember What Is Still Going Right: I know that when your husband leaves, it can feel like life has stopped. But it hasn’t. The sun is probably still shining. There are every day miracles happening all around you. Sure, it’s hard to notice these things when you feel like you do, but they are all around you. And you can see and experience them because you are alive. You probably still have family and friends that love you. You probably have the ability to do things that you enjoy. And, not every one can say this. So it’s important to put that into perspective. Regardless of what is going on with your marriage, you are still a human being who has a lot to contribute to the world. Appreciate that fact. Enjoy that fact. Even though one aspect of your life is struggling (your marriage) this doesn’t mean that every area of your life has to fall. What things can you still enjoy? What areas of your life can you bump up right now while you are waiting for your marriage to resolve itself?
Do Not Allow Yourself To Dwell: It’s very tempting to eat cold cereal while watching bad sitcom reruns. Sometimes, this is about all you can muster. But giving in to this does very little to make you feel better. It simply feeds into the cycle. There were times when I literally had to force myself to accept the invitations of friends and family. But once I started to do this, I felt better. And once I felt better, my husband noticed and become receptive to me again. What can you do that will get out of the house and feel like you are moving forward? For some people, this is exercise. For others, it is volunteering. Other people connect with friends. Yet others pursue art or other hobbies. Some people find that it’s helpful to try something new. If my separation had never happened, I would not have gotten back into fitness. And this has been a gift to me. I’ve never been horribly unhealthy. But once married, I stopped making exercise a high priority. I was not fat, but I was far from fit. I initially started doing yoga and Pilates for stress relief and just to have something to do. But they transformed my body and my mind. And they have stuck. I would never give them up, even though my marriage is now fine. Everyone has something like this. They key is finding it or rediscovering it again.
I know that if you are reading this you might doubt that these things will make you feel stronger. But try them anyway. What do you have to lose? Allowing yourself to feel weak and lost is not helpful on so many levels. It’s not good for your marriage. And it’s certainly not good for you. I believe that we all deserve better. Now, it’s just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and continue walking until you feel strong again.
I know it’s hard. I can’t tell you that it isn’t. But what is the alternative? Feeling bad and staying stuck doesn’t help either. So you may as well get moving, keep busy, and focus on the positive. You can read more about how I attempted to do these things on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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