Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There is very little that hurts as badly as knowing that your spouse might leave you for something that is entirely your fault and also for something that can not be undone. This feels even worse when the act was committed by someone who is a stranger to you today (because you have profoundly changed) – but you can’t make your spouse understand and believe this. And therefore, your marriage is at risk.

I might hear from a wife who says: “for once in my life, I am going to just be brutally honest and admit that I can be a liar. I have lied all of my life. And I am not sure why this is. Mostly, I think it is because I come from a very dysfunctional family and I have watched my mother lie rather than face up to her problems for all of my life. I met my husband when we were in high school and I was very immature. But I loved him so much. I would have done anything to keep him. So when he tried to break up with me, I told him that I was pregnant when I wasn’t. We got married because of this and I faked a miscarriage later. Recently, I became pregnant for real. At the doctor’s office, my doctor asked me about previous pregnancies and I wasn’t even thinking and I told my doctor that there had been none. My husband piped up about the supposed miscarriage and I guess he could tell by my reaction that I had been lying all along. I wish I could tell you that this was the only big lie that I have ever told my husband, but it isn’t. There hasn’t been another lie as big as that one, but there have been lies – about money, about my family, about my job and all sorts of things that I have hidden from my husband because I didn’t want him to think less of me. My husband is threatening to leave me because he says that I am not an honorable person and he just can’t respect me anymore. I am devastated. The thing is, I truly haven’t lied to him in about a year. Once we seriously started talking about having kids, I decided to become an adult. I’ve matured. I’m not the teenager who lied to him. I’m an adult woman who realizes that she needs to have enough respect for her family and herself to tell the truth always. I have promised my husband that if he wouldn’t leave me, I’d come clean about everything I’ve ever kept from him. But he says it’s too late. How can I make him see that I have changed and that I am trustworthy so that he won’t leave me?”

Understand That Real Change Is Not Immediate: There are a lot of concerns here, and many seem very immediate.  It appears that the main concern is to get the husband not to leave – which is a little bit of a red flag because it could indicate that preventing him from leaving was more important than genuine change. Here is a difficult truth to digest, but one that must be understood. You can’t undo years of lying in just a few days’ worth of talking. I believe that it is possible to show him real change, but it could take a while.

And the reason for this is that people need to see long term proof in order to overcome their doubts. Because the lies have been ongoing, of course he’s going to worry that you may be trustworthy for a while and then fall back into your old ways. The best way to show him that you have truly changed then, is to involve him in the process.

Think About The Long Term First: I’m going to be honest and tell you that I think the biggest concern right now would be to lay a very strong foundation on which to build a family. I advocate looking at the long term goal (family health) rather than the short term goal (to placate him temporarily so that he won’t leave.) Because you are bringing a child into the world and you do not want the child to grow up in the same dysfunction that you did.

Involving Him In The Process of Real Change: I would strongly encourage any type of counseling or support that you can get. I would also advocate asking your husband to go with you. But when you do so, do not ask him in such a way that it sounds like you are only trying to get him not to leave. You want to sincerely convey that you are asking him there so that you can set a foundation to co parent your child no matter what ultimately happens with your relationship. Because you don’t want him to think that the counseling is only motivated by your only wanting him to stay. He should believe that you want him to go with you because you are motivated to really change for good.

And even with this, he is going to have some doubts for some time until you prove yourself over and over again. This may seem unfair and frustrating to you. But if you are sincere about changing, then that means that this proof for the sake of your family is likely worth it to you. Be willing to overcome his reservations because you are confident in your own sincerity. Have patience and don’t accuse him of being insensitive or suspicious. Just have the quiet confidence that in time, he will believe in your sincerity because it is authentic.

Even when you are completely sincere about change, it may take your spouse a while to truly believe it and to overcome his doubts.  This was true in my case.  But I always told myself that my husband and my marriage was worth hanging in there for.  And I have never regretted that.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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