Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated but don’t want to be, your biggest fear is often divorce. Sure, you don’t want the separation to linger on forever. And yes, you’re lonely and scared. But, at the same time, if you’re separated, that means that you aren’t divorced. So you’re likely stuck in a situation that you hate, but you have no choice but to concede that it could be worse. You could be divorced. Still, most wives in this situation resent being separated, and they want to figure out a way to end it. One strategy is to show their separated husband that a divorce would be a big mistake. If he knows that a divorce is not the answer, then a separation probably isn’t, either.

A wife might say, “We’ve been separated for about thirteen weeks. I’d hoped to be reconciled by now. But that isn’t going to happen. My husband keeps stalling. He won’t say if he’s pursuing a divorce. And he won’t offer me any reassurance that he will consider a reconciliation, either. So my gut tells me that he is leaning toward divorce. But he has not filed. I wanted to do something to show him that a divorce would be a huge mistake. So I tried to make him jealous. And he called me ‘pathetic’ and ‘attention-seeking.’ Then I tried to be sweet so that I could lure him back. He didn’t take me seriously. I almost feel like I made the situation worse because now he’s not as open to me. I regret this, but I also know that I have to do something. We have built a family and a home over multiple years. How tragic would it be to ruin all our lives by just walking away? How do I get him to see that divorcing me would be a mistake?”

There’s A Big Difference Between Genuinely Showing And Telling With Force: I’m sure you remember multiple teachers and mentors encouraging you to “show not tell.” This advice works because demonstrating the merits of your argument is much more convincing than merely making a claim.

Please understand that your husband may already be tempted to meet your claims with doubt. Why? Because he knows you’re trying to change his mind. So while showing is always going to be more effective than telling, that may even be more true when he already may doubt some of what you say.

Also, you need to be very careful of contradictory claims. When you’re trying to make your husband jealous one day but then being overly accommodating the next, your sincerity may be questioned.

Determine Exactly What You’re Really Showing Him: In the examples above, think about what you were showing your spouse. When you tried to make him jealous, you showed him that you could be manipulative. When you were sweet, he wasn’t in the right place to receive the message because of the prior manipulation.

Sit down and ask yourself which attributes your husband most loves about you or considers most important in a partner. Because these are the attributes that you most want to show. Then determine the most effective way to repeatedly and genuinely demonstrate these attributes.

Figure Out Genuine Ways To Demonstrate What He Truly Wants: Let’s say you’ve decided that you want to show him that you’re a vibrant, loving, loyal wife who would be very hard to replace. Well, that seems simple. But, in reality, there’s going to be a challenge in that. Because a loving wife has to be loving even when she is frustrated beyond belief with this separation. She has to still be able to see the husband she loves underneath all the hurt and misunderstanding. So she has to be patient at a time when she feels anything but.

To accomplish this, you have to adjust your perception.  I found it helpful to tell myself that the times my husband most frustrated me during our separation were the biggest opportunities to show him growth.

I could use his doubt as a way to surprise him with my ability to come through. Sure, he would doubt me at first. But if I kept showing the same unflappable person, I could eventually overcome his reservations.

Now, you have to make sure that you’re looking for genuine opportunities and you’re not trying to manufacture situations that are too unbelievable. If you are caught attempting this, you’re only making your job harder when your husband may already doubt you.

Have Patience And Keep Going Even When You’re Met With Doubt: As I alluded to, your husband might meet your sincere efforts with reluctance. He knows you don’t want a divorce. So he knows any strategy you use is meant to change his mind. Therefore, even when you’re completely genuine and sincere, he may still have doubts.

I believe the most effective way around this is to continue on even in the face of this resistance. If you keep showing him a sincere effort (even when you are challenged) he will hopefully begin to believe it. You won’t know if you give up. So as hard and as frustrating as it can be, you often will just have to stay the course with integrity and grace.

I believe that it helps to accept that this is often a gradual process. I know that you want this separation to end this evening and right now. But unfortunately, this is often a process that requires you to overcome more than one obstacle. Just as you make progress in one place, you’ll have something else to overcome. Just approach this methodically and tackle things as they come.

The good news is that gradual gains tend to last. And your husband is more likely to trust in any improvements and changes when they occur over time. Look at it this way. The time component is a hard issue to deal with when you’re separated. But if you approach it deliberately, you can actually make time work for you to save your marriage.

So sometimes it makes sense to embrace the time rather than curse it. Having more time means that at least you aren’t divorced and the game isn’t completely over.

I worried that the time was not my friend in the beginning of my separation, but, in the end, it helped to save our marriage.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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