Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Saving a marriage can take a lot of hard work and commitment, but this process can be even more difficult when only one party is on board. I receive a lot of emails from people who are trying to save their marriages alone. Typically, one spouse will desperately want to rescue the marriage while the other has one foot out of the door or is considering (or has initiated) a divorce. This leaves the spouse who wants to preserve the marriage in a position of weakness, as the unreceptive spouse will typically block attempts at communication and reconciliation. Many people tell me they feel hopeless, like saving the marriage when they are the only one who wants to is a huge uphill or impossible battle. It may feel that way right now, but I can tell you from experience that it can be done. I’ve done it myself (after initially making every mistake that I could possibly make.) What is typically required is a change in attitude and a change in tactics that can oftentimes result in a change of the ultimate results.

The Only Person That You Can Control In Saving A Marriage Is Yourself: Over time, I’ve seen people make the same mistakes over and over. I made the same ones myself. When you feel the clock ticking down to a split up or divorce, you can attempt desperate things. We often try to pressure, strong arm, guilt, or manipulate our spouses into changing their minds. We offer up ultimatums or desperate pleas. We swing from one drastic method to another, which only encourages our spouses to tune us out and detach from us even more.

It would’ve saved me a lot of time and heartache if I had just accepted from the get-go that the only person over whom I had any control was myself. You can’t “make” someone do something that they don’t want to do – not long term anyway. If you don’t take anything else from this article, please take this. To save your marriage, you must not be on opposing sides with your spouse. If he wants one thing and you want another, you’ve got an uphill battle. So, don’t make it you against him, with only one of you getting their way of winning. To be successful, both of you need to be on the same side. But, how do you get on your spouse’s side when he wants to divorce or split up? You agree with them, sort of (at least for now.)

You Can’t “Make” Your Spouse Change Their Mind About Divorcing You, But Changing Your Own Actions Can Help: If you want to stop your spouse from tuning you out or blocking your attempts to save the marriage, you have to stop being a threat. They have to no longer think that their interactions with you are going to end badly, involve manipulation, or elicit negative feelings. So, tell them that things are going to change.

Tell them that you understand their stance and respect it. Concede that you too, are troubled by the state of your marriage and agree it needs a drastic overhaul – no matter where you are headed. Explain that they, and your marriage, are your highest priority. Reiterate that you want to save the marriage, but you can’t predict the future and realize that you can only control yourself. As a result, from this day on, you’re only going to act in such a way that strengthens your relationship rather than weakens it. Tell them that, whether a divorce is imminent or not, you want to preserve the positive feelings between you. And, then show them that you mean exactly what you say by making good on this promise.

Show Your Spouse The Person They First Fell In Love With During All Interactions: Once you’ve communicated these changes to your spouse, put these promises into action. Make a list of all of the things your spouse first loved about you when you first met. (List everything, especially things other than looks and chemistry.) Then, make absolutely sure that you are displaying these characteristics during this process.

If your husband was wildly attracted to your sense of humor, make sure that it is on full display. If your wife loved your upbeat attitude, don’t show her the walking wounded right now. You must be absolutely convincing with this, because if you aren’t, it’s going to read as another manipulation which will only dig you into a deeper hole of mistrust.

Go Very Slowly. Don’t Apply Any Pressure. Just Take It One Step At A Time: If you follow these tips, in a few weeks’ time, the tension should become less and less and you’ll likely find that you are in a better position. Your spouse may at least be receptive to spending more time with you. If you focus on just creating good feelings and having a light-hearted time, you may find that things are greatly improving. Don’t make the mistake that many people make when they try to move too quickly.

Don’t ask for commitments or reassurance. You don’t want to do anything that would contribute to their blocking you or mistrusting you again. Ultimately, your best case scenario is to have them wanting to take this forward, not you. So, always let them initiate where they want this to go. Because to save your marriage long term, you need both spouses on equal footing and both partner’s equally committed to putting in the time, the effort, and the affection that is going to be necessary for the coming days.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when I was trying to save my marriage by myself. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/