Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Admittedly, some of the spouses who visit this site have been blindsided. Much to their surprise, their spouse has proclaimed their marriage troubled or even over. But others saw it coming a mile away. They know their marriage isn’t clicking in the way that it used to. They are aware that neither they nor their spouse is particularly happy. Worse, in many cases, the disconnect isn’t new. It’s been happening for way too long, sometimes for months or years. Many spouses in this situation will refer to their marriage as dead, failing, or loveless. Despite this, almost everyone who visits wants to know how they can fix it. They want to know how to revive their troubled marriage so that they can stay with their spouse. But they want a new, and better marriage.

Someone might say, “I’m not going to sit here and tell you that my husband is wrong when he calls our marriage troubled, but I do believe he is wrong when he calls it dead. We got into a huge fight last night, and he threw up his hands and said he doesn’t know why he even tries anymore when our marriage has been dead for years. Well, he doesn’t really try. He doesn’t put any effort into our marriage except to complain about it. That said, it’s unfair to say that our marriage is dead. We’ve been married for so long, and we made it through many hardships. For the most part, we are compatible. But we are more like friends than spouses. And sometimes this frustrates us, and we end up taking our frustrations out on each other and fighting. The thing is, I don’t know how to fix this. When I try to show affection to my husband or spice things up, he looks at me like I’m crazy. It’s been so long since we’ve acted affectionately toward one another that it feels very foreign when I attempt it. I also worry that he’s going to reject me. We pretty much do our own thing, so when I rock the boat on that, he isn’t always very receptive. So how can I possibly revive my marriage when it’s so far gone?”

Find The Right Mindset From The Start: I think that the very first thing that you need to do is to believe that none of this is impossible. The passage above is full of defeatist language. It is like you’ve given up before you’ve even started. This will make your job even harder.

The better mindset is to see this as an opportunity. Yes, you may have some challenges ahead of you, but if you are successful, you will have a much happier marriage and a stronger bond with your spouse. Surely you remember better times when you and your spouse could talk for hours, and he valued your happiness.

Try to focus on the potential gains rather than the roadblocks.

Start Slowly: You can’t expect to go from where you are right now to a passionate love affair in a few days. You didn’t get where you are overnight, so it’s going to take some time to dig your way out.

Since you and your spouse are mostly doing your own thing in the same house, it’s possible to start with increased joint activities. You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or anything that will feel overly awkward. Forcing it just makes it feel wrong and increases the likelihood that you will give up.

Target small tasks like taking a walk together, playing cards or board games, or just talking about light topics.

The goal is the start small and then to consistently build. Sure, you may start out just playing cards, but the plan is to end up with a new, tighter bond that is showing itself in larger ways.

As you spend more time together, you’ll begin to reach out physically. You’ll hold hands more, offer back rubs, and generally just try to touch your spouse more frequently.  When you start small, a natural progression comes more easily.

Expect Some Eventual Vulnerability: There is no way around the fact that deep intimacy may require some vulnerability. It’s normal to worry that you might be rejected or that you’re going to have to put yourself out there. You can try to diminish this by starting small as I discussed above. But as you begin to build up to more intimacy, you are going to have to step outside of your comfort zone.

However, you are going to build up to this, so it might not be as uncomfortable as you fear. And nothing worthwhile is easy 100% of the time.

If you expect some vulnerability going into it, then you don’t need to panic when it comes. Focus on what you have to gain rather than the short amount of discomfort that you may experience on the path to getting what you want. And you may be surprised.  Since you and your spouse should be closer once you get to this point, his enthusiasm may make vulnerability unnecessary.

Understand That An Emotional Connection Encourages A Physical Connection: I encouraged you to start small so that this process doesn’t feel overwhelming, but another reason you want to ease into this process is that when you build an emotional connection through small, easy gestures, the physical connection is a natural outgrowth of that process.

Couples who feel empathetic toward and deeply connected to one another want to be together physically. You don’t need to force anything when you are deeply and emotionally connected to your spouse, and you feel understood and cared for.

So make it your goal to show your spouse, in small, easily achievable ways, that you will always have his back, that you care about his feelings, experiences, and happiness, and that you are his go-to person no matter what.

If you can accomplish even some of this, your bond will vastly improve, and your marriage should begin to feel very much alive.

But I think it is a mistake to see your marriage as something that is on its last legs. It is better to see it as a work in progress that needs more attention in the places that count the most.

I know that you can do this because I did it, and I did it during a marital separation.  It wasn’t always easy, but it was so worth it. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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