Leslie Cane Articles

I recently heard from a wife who told me that she knew her marriage was in real trouble.  Over the past six months, she had felt her husband become more and more distant.  He had been spending more time at work and less time with her. 

They hadn’t been having sex regularly, rarely had any fun, and were pretty much just coexisting.  The wife was absolutely not OK with this.   She was still very invested in her marriage even though she was beginning to doubt if the same was true for her husband.

Sometimes, she tried to schedule some time with him, but he would brush her off.  Or, if she mentioned her concerns, he would tell her that she was seeing things that weren’t there and again retreat into himself and shut her out.

The wife said “I know that I need to do something because if I don’t, I think our marriage is in real trouble.  He doesn’t even look at me the same way anymore.  He sort of looks through me.  How can I reconnect with him before it’s too late when he acts like he doesn’t even care if I’m here or not?”

I felt for this wife but I was so glad that she was paying attention and didn’t let the distance get any worse before she took some action.  So many people visit my blog and ask for advice after the damage has already taken place.  Or after their spouse has already asked for a separation or divorce.  

No one in this situation had brought up a break, although I know that she felt her marriage was in real trouble.  So hopefully, she was taking action before things got to the point of no return.  In the following article, I’ll discuss ways to reconnect with your husband when your marriage is in trouble – even if he’s not receptive at first.

Meet Him Where He Already Is. Find His Currency:  One big issue that this wife was facing was that every time she would suggest she and her husband spent time together, he would sort of blow her off and avoid her.  This hurt her feelings and made her feel that things were only getting worse.

He’d been spending a lot of time away from her.  He particularly enjoyed sporting events and concerts.  So I suggested the next time he was getting ready to take off, she announce that she was going with him.  You can’t reconnect if you don’t spend time together.

And, sometimes in order to spend together, you will have to come to him – at least at first.  Sure, maybe you’re not into sports or whatever he is into – but you’re into your husband, right?  It’s worth it to meet him more than half way.  You’re just using this as an “in” to spend some time with him to begin the process.

Figure Out Why He’s Becoming Distant And Lighten His Load:  I strongly suspected that there was probably something going on in the husband’s head or life that he wasn’t sharing with his wife.   When people suddenly become distant for no apparent reason and the trend continues (even when you make an effort and pay attention,) there is usually a reason for this.

Sometimes, he is keeping an issue from you because he doesn’t want to worry or hurt you. Or other times, he’s backing off or becoming distant as the result of something you said, did, or did not do.  Many husbands in this situation tell me that they don’t feel their wife makes the time for them or cares deeply about what is going on.  Other times, a lack of time and effort in the marriage has lessened the feelings between the people within his marriage and him creating distance is the way he shows this.

Rather than speak up, most will retreat inward and become distant in response.  But usually once you notice this, the damage has already been done.  So what do you do now?  Well, coming right out and asking him what the problem is may or may not work.  And frankly, the wife had done this numerous times.

But, the key is to start spending more time together (even if it means you go where he is) and then just observe him and see if anything comes up.  You likely know this man better than anyone on earth.  If he’s not acting like himself, there’s likely a reason.  It’s your job to find it and then do something to lighten his load or support him.  Once he’s feeling understood and supported, he’s much more likely to feel connected to you again and willing to reconnect even more.

Without A Doubt, Having Fun With Your Spouse Is The Best Way To Reconnect:  Sometimes, when people ask me for advice on how to reconnect, it’s obvious they are picturing this as a serious affair.  They feel like they are going to have to “get down to work” and “save this marriage.”

I know that it feels that way, but that’s honestly the worst approach that you can take.  People feel connected to people who make them smile, laugh, and who they can have fun with.  If you want your spouse to respond to you, you’ll increase your chances of this if you approach them in a very light hearted way. 

If you can both step outside of your comfort zone and experience new things together, even better.  The goal is to think about the two of you and rediscovering each other.  This does not have to cost a lot of money.  In fact, it’s better if it doesn’t.

Don’t think about the trouble in your marriage.  Don’t think about the distance.  Just think about the two people who used to love each other so much they never wanted to be with anyone else.

Don’t force or push it.  Go in with good intentions, an open heart, a light hearted attitude, and allow it to happen.  Watch your spouse’s cues and know when to let them take the lead and know when you need to. 

One more point.  Many people will be tempted to schedule a long or expensive vacation as a way to reconnect.  I advise you to keep things short and sweet.  Sometimes what can happen is on this “reconnection” trip or “big” event, you’ll find that there isn’t much to talk about or things fizzle out  because you didn’t build up to this.  

If  have noticed this type of distance for a while, it’s best to build up to this so that you will always have a good experience and want more rather than want less.

How do I know this?  Because I lived it. Unfortunately, I waited until my husband wanted a separation and eventually a divorce until I decided to “reconnect.” This was almost too late and it nearly cost me my marriage.  I was ultimately able to save my marriage, but not until I learned new skills the hard way. I’m trying to save you from this.  You can read about my mistakes and triumphs at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  And, if you feel like your marriage is experiencing some difficulty, I highly recommend a free e course from Amy Wasserman.  I really find her work helpful.

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