Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of correspondence from spouses who are trying to understand and have patience while their spouse goes through a mid life crisis. Many of them do not understand why their spouse would seemingly change over night. And they worry about whether these changes are going to be lasting and if they are going to negatively affect, or even destroy, the marriage.

Occasionally though, I will hear from the spouse who had the mid life crisis. That person is often asking for ways to get their spouse’s trust and faith back when they have realized that their mid life crisis was a mistake that did a lot of damage.

Here’s an example. You might hear a wife say: “I know that it is usually the husband who has the midlife crisis. But in my case, it was me. I got married relatively young and I guess I missed out on all of the carefree fun that goes with being a single young woman. I reconnected with some high school friends online and I admit that I have been acting very silly for the past several months. I am normally someone who doesn’t drink or go out. But for the past few months, I’ve gone  out with friends the minute I got off of work. I have taken “girlfriend’s weekends away.” I have checked out of my marriage and instead have just wanted to have fun with my girlfriends. My husband did not appreciate my new life style. He was very honest when he said that he felt as if he were losing me. He said he felt abandoned and that it was clear that I valued my friendships over my marriage. I thought he was just being a nag and I told him as much. Eventually, I got tired of having my husband complain so I initiated a separation. He didn’t fight me on this too much. I think he was tired of all the drama also. Well, I kept going out with my friends. And then I got in a car accident. Suddenly my so called friends were absent from my life. I was pretty much helpless for a while and I needed help with basic things that I could not do on my own. Of course, my friends were no where to be found. Once I could no longer be the life of the party, they had no use for me. The only person that I could depend on during this time was my husband. He was there for me even though he was clearly hurt about my behavior. During that long period of time where I had to depend on him for just about everything, I realized what a huge mistake I had made. My husband has always been the most decent person in my life. And I pushed him away to act like a fool. I pushed him away to do foolish things to try to recreate my youth. This was so stupid of me and I regret it so much. I tried to tell my husband this. And I begged him to take me back. He says that although he will always care for me and be there for me, he does not like the new person I have become. I have told him that this person was not me. I told him that the real me was the wife that he has always known. He does not believe this. How do I make him see that I’m telling him the truth and that I realize my mistake?”

I know that this must be a tough time for you. But I think that coming up with an effective strategy might be a little easier if you are able to put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Think for a second about how you would feel if your steady husband suddenly rejected you and the marriage you’d built. Imagine how it would feel if he labeled you a nag and chose friends who he hadn’t seen in years over you? I am not asking you to do this to hurt you. I am asking you to do this because I now want you to ask yourself what you would want from your husband if the roles were reversed.

You’d likely want for him to make you feel secure again. You’d like for him to make you feel appreciated and valued. And you’d want to believe that in reality, he does not think that you are a nag.

Now that you understand what he probably wants from you, how do you provide them? Well, you will usually need a good bit of patience. He likely has some doubts about what you are saying because he’s been hurt and rejected. And he may think that you are only saying this because your friends rejected you and he is all that you have left.

So you might try a conversation to lay the groundwork, while knowing that you are going to have to be patient and that you are going to have to show and not tell him what you mean. Here’s an example: “I just want you to know how much I value your help right now. You have always been the most steady person I’ve ever known and I value that more than you know. I realize that you must feel as if you’ve been dealing with a stranger these past several months. I am not sure what got into me except to say that I guess I somehow felt like I missed my youth. I know that’s silly. But after trying to recapture my youth, I can honestly say that it’s not all that great. I prefer being a steady adult. And I won’t be revisiting my youth again. I know that you probably doubt what I’m saying, but I hope to prove it to you. For now, I just want you to know how grateful I am.”

After you’ve had this conversation, you’ll have to do just that – prove it to him. Show him that you are your old self and that you are not going anywhere. Hopefully, in time he will come to believe that he can trust that his wife is back and you can move on, with the full realization of how lucky you are.

I was always worried that after my separation, my husband and I would think that we had both changed.  I think we both had fears and doubts about this.  But in time, we were both relieved to see that we were the same people, although our perceptions about our marriage had changed for the better. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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