Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated and dreaming about when (or if) you will reconcile with your spouse, you often think that you really do not care how the reconciliation happens or what brings it on. Often, your thought process is telling you that you should take what you can get and be very happy to have it. Sure, it would be ideal if your husband wanted to reconcile only because of his love for you and because he wants to be married to you. Unfortunately, there are often many other factors that come in to play – children and money being, at least in my opinion, the top two.

So wives who suspect that children or money are the motivation behind a potential reconciliation may be a little disappointed or even doubtful. And they may wonder what his motivation may have to do with whether or not their reconciliation is actually successful. Someone may lament: “I have been fanaticizing about getting back together with my husband from day one of my separation. That’s pretty much all I have been able to think about and my concentration for other things has been a joke. Early on, it looked very bleak for us. My husband acted like he didn’t want to see me or take my calls. When we would come together for the kids, it was clear that he was only going through the motions for their sake. Now, several weeks later, he has suddenly seemed interested in me again. Last weekend, his sister told me that he was going to see an attorney this week to explore his options. So I now suspect that the attorney told him how much a divorce is going to cost and how much he could be looking at in terms of alimony and child support. My husband is very motivated by money, so I honestly think that this is why he seems to have a change of heart. Last night, he even told me that he would be open to a reconciliation and that ultimately, if we were able to work some things out, that he would like to see us back together. This is what I have been wanting more than anything, but now I can not stop questioning it. Because I can not help but wonder if my husband acting like he wants us back together because of his cheapness. My husband is notoriously cheap. He hates to lose money. And I am worried that his love of money is stronger than his desire to end his relationship with me. In short, he probably thinks that a divorce is going to cost him too much. And that’s the only reason he’s open to getting back together.”

Your concern is not rare. Many wives worry about their husband’s motivations for being open to a reconciliation – especially if he was resistant to it before. I often hear women with kids saying the same thing – that they worry he’s only staying because of his love for his children and not because of his love for his wife.

You Can’t Possibly Know The Combination Of Many Factors That Might Be Motivating Him: My response to these concerns is this: And it’s only my opinion. But, I think that there are many factors that go into a husband’s decision to reconcile. Could money be a factor? Certainly, it could. And consideration for the kids can weigh heavily on both parties.

But, I honestly don’t think that it’s always one thing that changes a husband’s mind. I think that it is a combination of many things. And I also think that if a man absolutely did not want to be married to you, then all of the money in the world would not change his mind. In my opinion, sometimes you can not see everything that is at play. He may have been missing you and not sharing his feelings. He may have been thinking about this for weeks but keeping it to himself. You can’t possibly know his exact thought process and I’m not sure that this should be your primary concern anyway. So, what should be your primary concern?

What Matters Most –  Why He’s Open To A Reconciliation?  Or The Fact That He IS Open At All?  I think that the focus should be that, finally, you now have your chance. That is what you have wanted all along. And it makes sense to take advantage of it rather than to question it, doubt it, and to hesitate. Sure, money may have come into his mind. But what is more important is that he is finally open to you and he is finally receptive. Do you really want to waste that opportunity because you don’t know his exact thought process?

I know that the thought that something other than his love for you may have motivated him is troubling. But the thing that can quiet these thoughts is building a new and better marriage that leaves no doubt that he is with you because he wants to be. Yes, things may not be ideal now. You may both be unsure and you both may have concerns.

But nothing says that you can’t work very hard to change that. People who successfully rebuild their marriages are often very happy to see that they no longer have the same marriage at the end of this process. They have a better marriage. And so there is no need for these doubts. Because it doesn’t matter how, or why, you start. What matters is how you finish. Don’t overthink it. Embrace the mind set that is going to give you the best chance of success. The mind set of doubt does not offer that benefit. But the mind set of hope does.

Honestly, I worried that my husband was only responding to a new strategy I was using during my separation.  But then I realized that his motivations didn’t as much as our results.  So what if he was responding to a new strategy?  What mattered is that he responded.  And that made all the difference.  You can read the rest my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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