Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are worried about whether or not their husband is missing them during the trial separation. After all, he isn’t exactly being forthcoming. And, the wife knows that if he is, in fact, missing her like he should, this would make a reconciliation much more likely. Much of the time, she misses him very much. And she’s not shy about telling him this. But, for some reason, he holds back when the topic of his own feelings comes up. And she’s sometimes scared of asking him how he really feels because she’s not sure if she wants to know the answer.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “words can not express how much I miss my husband. We’ve only been separated for three weeks. But, if I had my way, we wouldn’t be separated at all. He says he needs some time away to evaluate his place in life and what he wants moving forward. I think that it is your typical mid-life crisis, but he denies this. When my husband and I talk now, he is all business. I will try to be affectionate and to tell him that I miss him and he won’t respond or will try to change the subject. So, that is discouraging. But, a couple of times when we have been together, he’s smiled at and touched me. So, I get mixed signals. There have been times when I was right on the verge of asking him if he missed me. But I can’t bring myself to do it because I’m afraid that he’s going to tell me that he doesn’t miss me at all. How will I know if he does? What behaviors should I look for?”

It can be tricky to determine if your spouse misses you in this situation because some spouses (particularly men) will keep their feelings close to their chest or they will feel (and therefore display) conflicting emotions. So, one day you might see him be receptive and one day you might see him being distant. Or, he may be so closed off that you don’t get any sense of what he is feeling at the time. But, there are some universal behaviors that you can look for which I will identify right now.

He’s At Least Somewhat Receptive To You When You See Or Reach Out To Him: As I said before, he will sometimes hold back on his feelings. Often, he doesn’t know what the future is going to hold. And, he knows that you are watching him closely so he will often try to keep these things to himself. But, often his mannerisms, facial expressions, and body language will often give him away. When you and he see one another in person and he first glances your way, does he smile or at least make pleasing eye contact when he first sees you? Does he try to casually touch you even if it is just a hand on your back? Does he always make eye contact and hold your gaze? Him being willing to really see you and vice versa shows a willingness to remain in the relationship.

Is He Interested In What You Are Doing And At Least Somewhat Open About What He Is Doing?: If your spouse misses you, he is bound to have questions about how you are spending your time. You might find him asking about your experience or even showing a little jealousy. And, he is likely to be forthcoming about how he spends his time, as long as you aren’t nagging him and as long as your tone isn’t accusatory when you ask. Also, it’s a good sign when he is the one reaching out to you. Likewise, it can be a bad habit to get into if you are the only one who is initiating the contact. If you find yourself in this situation, then it can make sense to back off a little bit to see if he will take the lead.

Mixed Signals Can Sometimes Be A Sign That He Misses You: Often, when people see negative behaviors from their spouse, they assume the worst. They think that he is distancing himself from them. They assume that he is being mean so that they will not try to get close to him. But, this can be a wrong assumption. Sometimes, what you are seeing is his frustration that he’s not feeling what he assumed that he might be. He may have assumed that he would feel better during the separation when in actually, he is feeling worse. He may have hoped that he would have been more strong emotionally. You may assume that you are seeing his anger at you. But, what you might be seeing is anger at himself.

Don’t be discouraged if you’re not seeing more encouraging behaviors just yet. Perhaps he needs more time and perhaps sometime soon, he will feel more comfortable being more transparent. Until then, I believe that the best strategy is to remain positive and receptive. Don’t nag him about what he’s feeling or try to make him feel guilty if he’s not behaving in the way that you had hoped. This is a confusing and emotionally taxing time for both of you, so it’s absolutely normal for him to have (and display) conflicting emotions right now. And it would be doubtful that he wouldn’t miss you at all after being together for as long as you have.

I missed my husband desperately when we were separated.  It often seemed that he didn’t feel the same way.  I hung in there though and we did eventually reconcile. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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