Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I like to think that very few people enthusiastically go into their divorce. Many see it as a last resort, and after they feel like they’ve tried several things to make improvements. Still, they worry that they are going to take this step and have tons of regret. Many wonder if there are any signs that might tell them that regret might be on the horizon.

Someone might say: “about a week ago, I made the decision to divorce my spouse. Since that time, several family members and close friends have asked me if I have thought this through. Many have gone so far as to suggest that I am going to regret it. This really gets to me because I have no way to know if they are going to be right. I think that they are reacting in the way that they are because my husband is truly a nice person and good man. We have just grown apart and I feel like we gravitate to different life styles and different goals. He is content to just get by in life and I have very high standards. My mom has straight up told me that I am being too picky and that one day I will regret throwing away a perfectly good husband because I was being impossible to please. Are these people right? What signs can I look for to tell me I might regret it?”

To an extent, I believe that most people at least partially regret the divorce – in the sense that it was an important relationship that failed. That is always disappointing and that is likely to contribute to some regret. But I find that some people’s regret goes beyond this.  Some people regret not only the divorce but the choice to proceed with it.

And others very clearly can look back and see that the divorce was the best thing that they could have done. What is the difference? It’s my belief that the folks who are relieved by the divorce are very clear that being married was harmful to them. They were likely in an abusive relationship and attempts at rehabilitation have failed. I am a big advocate of saving marriages – but I draw the line when someone is being hurt in a harmful relationship that hasn’t shown any signs of improvement. When someone is abusing or hurting you, and they just do not or will not change, then sometimes its best to think of yourself and to remove yourself from the situation. Some people separate and then see if their spouse will change. If he doesn’t, then divorce is just logical when you are being hurt.

Fortunately, this is not the case for many people. They are not in an abusive marriage, they are just not as happy as they want to be. Their marriage isn’t hurting them. It just isn’t making them happy. In these cases, I find that there is more likely to be regret. Because you know in your heart that your spouse is a good and loving person and yet, you just can’t make it work. Here are some signs that I believe might indicate that regret could be on the horizon.

You Feel Empathy For Your Spouse Because You Know That This Isn’t Entirely Fair To Them: In many cases, the divorcing spouse feels badly about this even before the divorce is final. They often aren’t quite sure why they are feeling badly, but they find themselves worrying about their spouse’s happiness and quality of life in the future. They worry whether their spouse is going to be OK. These feelings often come because you know your spouse isn’t in the wrong here. You know that your spouse hasn’t done anything heinous or awful. Your actions are coming because you weren’t satisfied and this isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault.

You Wonder Who Your Spouse Is Going To End Up With And What Their Future Might Look Like: I find that a lot of spouses initiating a divorce will tend to look into not only their future, but their spouse’s future. They wonder if their spouse will remarry and what type of person the new spouse will be. Many admit that they hope their spouse lands on their feet with a “good person.” The thing is, if you are having these thoughts, it means that you still care and are least somewhat invested in your spouse. And investment can mean regret.

Guilt: Guilt is one of the prevalent feelings of people initiating a divorce. And this emotion comes when you know that the actions that you are about to take are going to cause pain. But it can also come because you may know in your heart that you have stopped short of doing everything that you can to save your marriage. If you haven’t yet tried counseling or seeing if you can view your spouse with fresh eyes, there may be guilt because you’re worried that you’re acting too dramatically or swiftly. Again, it comes down to the fact that you may know in your heart that you’re letting a perfectly good spouse go over the promise of a future that might never come.

Of course, you can never really know how you are going to feel until you actually step into the future. But I honestly believe that if you are researching if you will regret your divorce, that’s a pretty good indicator that this is bothering you enough that there’s a good chance that you might. Regret doesn’t always mean that the decision can’t work. It just means that you may have some suspicion that you didn’t do enough or are acting too harshly.

I honestly believe that one of the things that made my husband consider a reconciliation was ultimately that he had fear that he would regret a divorce.  I’m very grateful for this because I know without any doubt that I would have regretted it.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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