Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It can be hard to tell if your spouse is serious about his claims concerning your marriage if it appears that he is changing his mind and his behaviors all of the time. You often want for him to be only posturing, especially when he is telling you that your marriage is over.  So while it’s annoying that he may be bluffing you, the hope is often that this is exactly what he is doing.

Someone might explain: “about eight months ago, my husband told me that our marriage was no longer working for him. However, we have a young son who adores his father. So my husband said that he wasn’t going to make any drastic moves until after my son’s birthday because he knew that the adjustment was going to be hard on our child. I believed what my husband was telling me and for the months leading up to my son’s birthday, I was very depressed. And I really didn’t put any effort into our marriage because I wondered what was the point. Well, a few weeks ago, my husband feel at work and injured his arm. So he has had to depend on me to help him with day to day activities. This seems to have brought us closer together. And since I’ve been helping him, he hasn’t mentioned anything about our marriage or about leaving even though my son’s birthday has passed. The other day he actually said: ‘six months ago, I would not even have wanted to accept help from you. But now I’m glad I am. Maybe my getting hurt was somehow a blessing.’ Since he’s said this, I’ve been thinking. My husband has made no attempt to move out. So now I’m starting to wonder if he has been bluffing me all along. Maybe he was just trying to get me to be the sort of wife he wants – the one who waits on him. If this is the case, then it frankly makes me very angry. That means that he was doing nothing more than manipulating me. I’m tempted to say something about this to him. But, I worry that if I do, he may leave to show me that he was serious all along. And I really do not want for him to leave.”

Why Paying Attention Is Almost Never A Mistake: It’s normal to worry if he’s only saying the words that you are hearing because he’s trying to get a certain response and behavior out of you. And many wives will watch and wait rather than having a conversation about this because no one wants to rock the boat.  And, because they doubt his sincerity, they don’t make any real changes in their marriage. But I have to tell you, I don’t think that it’s ever a good idea to ignore your spouse’s concerns, especially when they involve potentially separating or leaving.

My husband never threatened to leave me, but he was honest about the things that weren’t making him happy. I thought that he was just being overly picky. I would make an effort for a short period of time and then resort back to my old ways, especially if he’d stopped complaining. But this ended up being a serious mistake because he eventually left. We eventually separated. And there were times when a reconciliation seemed almost impossible.

I’m not telling you that it’s impossible for a spouse to try to scare the other into a certain behavior or action. But even if this is what is happening, that’s serious enough. Because if this is true, it’s possible that he will go ahead and leave or move forward when he doesn’t get the reaction that he is looking for.

I know that this makes you feel manipulated which in turn makes you angry. But strip away the anger for just a second and what do you have? A spouse who is so upset about the status quo that he’s willing to do just about anything to change it. If you were to erase his methods, you’re still left with an unhappy spouse. Isn’t that worth your attention?

In order to address this, I would start by thinking back to all of the complaints that lead up to this. Do any of them have any validity? Are any of them things that you can change fairly easily? Would any of them make you happier also?

Change Can Take Work And That Is OK: People often assume that good marriages are easy. There’s an assumption that if you are with the right person, then all you have to do is be yourself and the two of you should never have any conflict. This is rarely the case. People who are very compatible and who love each other very much have to work at their marriages. They have to compromise. They have to change some of their behaviors that are causing problems. This doesn’t mean that the two of you don’t love each other or that your marriage is doomed.

It simply means that you are an adult who cares enough about your spouse to make small adjustments that might make both of you happier. Honestly, I can’t possibly guess as to whether or not your spouse is bluffing. But the point that I would make here is that this shouldn’t matter as much as the fact that he’s unhappy enough to do something as drastic as bluffing or manipulating.

It’s much better to pay attention to what you can improve rather than placing your focus on his methods. Regardless, he’s trying to tell you something. And if you are still invested in your marriage, it makes sense to listen.

I wish that I had listened to my own husband.  Getting him back after our separation was a very long and painful process until I made some very real shifts in my thinking. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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