How Do I Get My Own Life When My Marriage Is In Limbo?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are discouraged while they are waiting for their husband to determine what he wants to do about their marriage. Often, there isn’t a lot of certainties about the future of the marriage or whether it can be saved. And while the wife may hang onto her husband’s every word or analyze the situation endlessly in those early weeks, sometimes it’s clear that a resolution isn’t going to be right around the corner. When this happens, many wives intuitively understand that they need to concentrate on themselves and on their own lives while they are waiting. But many do not know exactly how to do this.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I are separated. Things are up and down with us. Sometimes, we do a little better and it looks like we might reconcile. But then whenever I try to move forward, my husband will stall and say he’s not sure if he’s ready to move back home. There are times when I wonder if he even knows what he wants. When we first separated, I thought that things would be resolved in a few weeks. I see now that this is clearly not going to happen. I know that I should get my own life back and focus on myself, but I’m not sure how to go about this. I worry that focusing on myself might mean that I’m giving up on my marriage. How do I move on without letting go?” I will try to address these questions below.
Focusing On Your Own Life Doesn’t Mean That You’re Giving Up On Your Marriage: I know that this is a difficult time. You are often torn because you know that sitting around and waiting isn’t really doing you any good, but you worry that focusing on yourself might imply that you are moving on when your intention is anything but that.
It’s my opinion that focusing on yourself does not mean that you are throwing in the towel on your marriage. Frankly, I find that it often helps wives to save their marriage because it takes away that sense of panic and urgency that often hurts the reconciliation process more than it helps it.
In order for this to work well, you have to balance your focus on your own life with your efforts to save your marriage. In this situation, the husband had moved out. The wife had an awful lot of time on her hands where she wasn’t even interacting with her husband. So, there was no reason that focusing on herself needed to interfere with her reconciliation efforts. She was concerned about if (or how) she could discuss this topic with her husband. Some wives choose not to say anything and to just change their behaviors. Sometimes, their husbands can’t help but notice the change and they will ask about it. At that time, the wives will usually respond with something like: “I’ve just decided that while I’m waiting to see what happens with our marriage, I’m going to focus on improving myself and my own level of happiness. Maybe doing so will even help our marriage, but I figure it can’t hurt to try to do some self-work on my own.” In this way, you’re reassuring him that by no means are you giving up on your marriage, but you’re also showing him that you care enough about yourself to make your own needs a priority.
Believe it or not, many wives are pleasantly surprised to find that this actually improves their situation. The husband will usually feel a little more compelled to move a bit more quickly because it’s clear that the wife is no longer sitting at home and idly waiting for him to make up his mind.
Ways to Get Your Own Life Back While You’re Waiting To See What Is Going To Happen With Your Marriage: It’s my opinion and experience that while you’re getting your own life, you shouldn’t do anything that is going to put your own marriage in jeopardy. I certainly don’t advocate dating other people (if you’re still invested in your marriage,) although I see no problem with going out with your female friends. It’s also a good idea to pursue your hobbies and passions. Some people decide to take a class, join a group, or pick up a hobby that they’ve long abandoned but have always missed.
You want to focus on things that bring you happiness, stimulate you, and make you excited to get out of bed in the morning. It helps to have other things on which to place your focus instead of only the frustration of your marriage. This will usually lift your spirits. And when you are happier, you will often have more successful interactions with your husband which in turn could improve your marriage. Take constant inventory of what you do have to be grateful for and place your focus there. I think you might be very happy with the results.
Finally, you want to identify yourself as an individual instead of as a married person who isn’t sure what her marriage holds. And I don’t mean this in a negative way. Many people tell me that they worry that beginning to live apart from their husband puts their marriage in jeopardy. I don’t look at it that way. I look at it as focusing on yourself so that you are no longer living your life on hold. Honestly, once I did this, not only did it make my situation more bearable because my happiness level went up, but my husband became interested in me again and this was the catalyst that eventually helped us to save our marriage.
Frankly, I almost had no choice but to get my life back on track during my separation. My husband made it very clear that he wasn’t coming back anytime soon. So, in order to save my sanity, I started doing things I used to enjoy. Not only did this make a huge difference in my outlook, but my husband became interested in me again and we eventually saved our marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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