Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are worried that they have become invisible to their husbands while they are on a trial separation.  They often never wanted the separation in the first place, but they tried to keep a positive outlook and hope that, if it didn’t improve things, they might not have been as bad as the wives had previously thought.  But unfortunately, this doesn’t turn out to be the case when the husband distances himself or makes himself scarce.  The wife will often try to reach out or to remind him of their marriage.  And this doesn’t always have the desired results.

Common comments are things like: “I think my husband would like to pretend like he doesn’t have a wife or a marriage.  He promised that we would be in touch regularly and now he pretty much dodges my calls.  If I come by, he says he was just on his way out.  If I suggest we get together, he says he needs some time before we start meeting regularly.  It’s as if he can’t stand to talk to or see me for more than five minutes.  When I act like my normal self, it’s as if he thinks it’s perfectly fine to ignore me or to put me on the back burner.  I don’t know how to get his attention.  I have considered getting angry and just demanding his attention by acting in ways that are not typical of me but I’m not sure how he would react. I’ve even thought about trying to flirt with him but that is almost laughable right now.  I’ve considered sharing a crisis that concerns my parents just so I will feel like we are partners again.  How can I get his attention?  I want to feel like his spouse again and that I am worthy of his attention.”

I understood this wife’s plight.  There was a time when I wondered if my husband knew that I existed when we were separated.  And frankly, if he knew I existed, I almost think he wished that I didn’t.  I know that it is tempting to  want to do something really dramatic so that he absolutely has to pay attention to you.  But what you need to realize (and what I learned the hard way) is that having the wrong kind of attention can make things worse and can make you wish that you never sought out the attention in the first place.

So while I understand exactly why you feel that you need and want attention, I would urge you to think carefully about how you go about it.  The strategy that any attention is good attention is very risky. In fact, negative attention will often damage the situation even more. I feel that there is definitely a right and a wrong way to go about this which I will discuss now.

Sometimes, You Will Get More Attention From Him When It Appears That You Aren’t Really Trying: I learned first hand that sometimes your husband will give you his attention when it appears that you are not seeking it out.  When my separation became so volatile that my husband had lost all patience with me, I went to my old home which was hours away.  I stopped bugging, calling, texting and reaching out to my husband.  In short, I stopped trying to get him to pay attention to me because I was afraid that I would do something that I might later regret.  And at that point, my marriage could not have withstood more drama. But it was at this time, when I was least trying to seek out attention that he actually began to give me a bit of it.  And I find that this happens a lot.  When you stop trying so hard, you’ll find that his curiosity rises.

If You’re Going To Do Things To Seek Out Attention, Make Sure That These Things Elicit Positive Reactions Rather Than Negative Ones:  I know that it’s very tempting to pick a fight to make him react to you.  I suspect you’ve thought about trying to make him jealous or guilty.  But none of these strategies make him feel genuine affection or longing for you, which is the real goal.  You probably don’t really want his pity or his anger.  You just want a reaction.

So I would suggest that if you’re going to try something new to inspire his interest, then you make sure that it is something positive.  Perhaps you’d like to take a class, lose some weight or improve your appearance in some way.  Maybe you’d like to take up old hobbies that used to make you happy.  Whatever you chose to do, make sure that you chose to do this for yourself and not for him.  Because anything that you do must be incredibly genuine or he will immediately discount what you are doing. You do not want to appear to be desperate or attention seeking.  Instead, you want for it to appear that you are coping as best as you can and are trying to improve your life.

So to answer the question posed, I would suggest considering stopping all of the obvious attempts to get a reaction.  Often, this pause will get his attention more effectively than anything else without any negative results.  And if you do make any changes with the hopes that he will notice, then make sure that the goal is a positive reaction instead of a negative one.

As I alluded to, I had no choice but to use this strategy when my own husband got into the habit of ignoring me during our trial separation.  I basically threw up my hands and gave up for a little while.  And that is precisely when I started to get his attention again.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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