Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives desperately want more of their husband’s undivided and loving attention, but they aren’t sure how to ask for or inspire this behavior. Understandably, these wives are afraid of appearing needy or nagging if they approach their husbands about their desire for more attention. 

A wife might say, “I’m almost embarrassed to talk about this, but my husband never pays attention to me anymore. I changed my hair color last week, and he did not even notice. If I get dressed up just for him, I literally have to ask him if he noticed the effort that I made. If I get sick, he won’t say anything unless I bring it to his attention. Last month, I had to take an important test for work. I’ve been studying for months. I was very nervous about it. My mom called me on the morning of the test. I got texts from friends and co-workers wishing me luck. But my husband barely acknowledged it. When I passed, my husband half-heartedly congratulated me. This type of inattention hurts and makes me worry about my marriage. If he can’t give me even the most basic level of attention, then I have to ask myself if he even cares at all. At the same time, I resent always having to ask for his attention. It’s as if I have to beg for any crumb that he gives me. And I know that this makes me seem very needy. At times, he gives me the feeling that he thinks I am nagging him when I ask for more. I know that I may seem petty. But I need for my husband to pay more attention to me so that I no longer feel invisible in my own house and in my own marriage. What do I have to do to inspire his attention? Because if this doesn’t improve, I’m very worried about my marriage.”

I don’t blame you for being worried. In fact, my husband’s waning attention inspired early suspicions that my marriage was in trouble. I ignored this warning. But I wasn’t wrong. We did eventually separate and although we later reconciled, I should have paid attention. So give yourself credit (rather than criticism) for noticing. Because noticing is the first step toward taking the action that might get you what you want and improve (or even save) your marriage. Below, I’ll share some things I learned during my own separation about inspiring the behavior you want to see by understanding basic human nature.

Know That This Process May Seem Counterintuitive: I know first hand that when you’re seeking more of your husband’s attention, you feel as though you NEED it. You feel as if you’re starving and the attention is the only thing that is going to address your hunger. It’s no wonder that wives seeking their husband’s attention come off as needy. However, you probably already realize that you more you crave his attention, the more likely you are to try over-the-top, obvious plays to get it. And the more you exhibit this “needy” or attention-seeking behavior, the less likely he is going to be to give it to you. Much of the time, in a cruel irony, he will pull back, which means you get LESS attention, not more. 

Understand That Any Attempts To Get More Attention Should Be Playful And Positive: Honestly, I did not realize that my behavior was technically negative right before my separation. I was imploring my husband to work on the marriage. I was trying to make him see how important it was that he join hands with me and make our marriage work before it was too late. These are understandable goals, but what I didn’t understand at the time was that they made my husband feel guilty, discouraged, and overwhelmed. 

When he didn’t immediately hop into place doing what I wanted him to do, I admit that I did nag. Needless to say, he pulled away.  He eventually pulled away so far that he left. 

It took being completely on the door of divorce for me to loosen my grip. As soon as I did, he gave me more access to him.  That was the first step toward reconciliation.  

My point is this: when you want attention, you often feel like you have to demand or take it. He’s not paying attention to you, so you’re going to have to pull out of the stops to get him to glance your way. Unfortunately, much of the time, he not only won’t give you the attention that you want, but he will be even harder to reach.

When you catch yourself feeling needy, know that you may have to act in the OPPOSITE way of what you are feeling. 

Understand That When You Feel Good And Don’t Need Attention, You Naturally Get It: Have you ever noticed that when you feel on top of your game, the circumstances actually rise up to meet you? In truth, women who are ALREADY confident in themselves and their worth usually have boyfriends and husbands who reinforce this with attention?

It’s a cruel irony that when circumstances bring us down so that we NEED reassurance and attention, we are so much less likely to get it. So how do you flip this?

You make it so you don’t NEED anything, and you exhibit the behaviors that make you MORE likely to get what you need.

The Behaviors That Make Attention More Likely (Without Neediness, Nagging, Or Desperation: I hope I’ve made it obvious that self-confidence makes it more likely for you to get your spouse’s attention. I know that willing yourself to display confidence will take some doing, but I also believe that if I can do this in the middle of a separation, anyone can do it. 

I’ve also noticed several additional behaviors that inspire men to pay attention to you. They are:

• Playful flirting. You have to pull this off as if you have no expectations. Just playfully interact with your husband. Tease him. Touch him. But make sure these interactions are very light-hearted.

• Give and maintain eye contact. When you bend down to eye-level and stare intently at your husband, this sends the message that what you are about to discuss with him is serious and requires undivided attention.

• Speak plainly. Sometimes we hope that our husband “just understands” that something is important to us. We think that because we are married, we shouldn’t have to spell things out. This may be true for our best girlfriends, but it isn’t always true of our husbands. When something is very important to you, be very straightforward about it.

• Demonstrate the behavior that you want. Honestly, this is so easy but so few of us do it. Give your husband the behavior that you want. Do you want him to sit quietly and listen intently when you talk? Then this is exactly how you should respond to him in conversations. Do you want him to rub your back or massage your shoulders when you’re stressed? Offer that same sequence to him. In this way, you’re teaching him what you want. When he reciprocates, tell him how much it means to you so that he wants to keep doing it. 

• Have fun – regularly. Have you ever noticed that if you are engaged in and laughing with someone, you feel very close to them? You’re not going to ignore someone with whom you regularly have a wonderful time. Ask yourself how often you and your spouse just have fun. Most of the examples above (being sick, taking a test, etc.) were reflections of stressful times. It’s very important to balance fun and stress so your husband isn’t making a habit of blocking out stressful circumstances when he interacts with you.

• Stay close. This is common sense, but it is often forgotten. If your husband is strongly bonded to you, he WANTS to be attentive. If you’re not as close as you have been, it’s going to much harder to demand or lure his attention. But once you start clicking with him again, he’s going to be much more attentive.

As I hope I have demonstrated, it is better to lure or inspire your husband’s attention that to attempt to “get” or demand it.  When you pull him closer with positivity, he wants to reciprocate, not pull away.  I wish I had followed my own advice.  I am now happily married. I survived the separation, but if I had used positivity, I may have avoided it.  And believe me, it is much harder to get your husband’s attention during a separation. But I learned to do it. That whole story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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