Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s safe to say that we all feel a sense of disappointment, sadness, and frustration during our marital separation. There can also sometimes be loneliness and even desperation. It’s very hard to not know what might lay ahead for you and your marriage. And sometimes, there is a particularly strong emotion that not every one anticipates – anger.

Sure, it’s normal to feel angry if you or your spouse did something heinous or acted in such a way to bring on the separation. But sometimes, you may find that you or your spouse didn’t do anything horrible and yet, the anger remains. Worse, this anger is clouding your interactions with your spouse, which is a problem when you want to save your marriage.

Someone might say: “I want to make clear right away that my husband is not a bad guy. He really is not. At all other times in my life, I’ve been very clear on the fact that he is a high quality human being. Everyone knows that he is an upstanding guy. But right now, while we are on a trial separation, I am mad at him. There, I have said it. I notice that I have a lot of anger that is sort of bubbling inside of me and waiting to just spill toward the surface. He didn’t cheat on me or anything like that. But he certainly began to take me for granted and to distance himself. Still, it wasn’t me who wanted the separation. It was him. It was him who was willing to allow our children to see their parents living apart. It is him who has our kids eating dinner and going to bed without their father in the house. It is him who gets to go to the gym after work and go out with friends while I am the one who does the parenting. Basically he gets to decide that his life isn’t perfect and he’s the one who gets to put his family on pause for a while. This makes me feel very angry and resentful. So when I’m with him, I can’t help it when I’m frosty. This isn’t ideal because I know that it hurts our chances of reconciling, which is what I ultimately want – especially for our children. But every time I see or interact with him, I can almost feel my blood boil. He looks so nice and relaxed and I am hurried and stressed because of all of the responsibility heaped upon me. I know that I have to set this aside, but I can’t seem to do it. How do I get control of my anger right now?”

I know how you feel. I had a good deal of anger during my own separation. A lot of that stemmed from the fact that I felt that I had no control over what happened. No matter what I tried, I felt rejected and as a result I got angry. I also felt like my husband held all of the cards. And if I am being honest, after a while of nothing ever going right, you just lose your cool sometimes. But you know that you have to stop this cycle if your marriage ever stands a chance. Below are some things that I found to be somewhat helpful. Once my husband and I began connecting again, of course, my anger started to fade.

Limit Your Exposure When You Are Really Angry: I used to hope that once I spent more time around my husband, I would see that I was putting a negative spin on things and therefore my anger would fade. But I found that this wasn’t the case. Perhaps my frame of mind wasn’t at a point where it was ready to be changed. But my husband just wouldn’t budge in terms of his attitude toward me. And I couldn’t find any silver lining in that at the time. No matter how much I tried to relax or “let go,” it was very difficult not to let my emotions show, which only made things worse. Looking back now, I should have just limited my contact during those times. Contact at that time only made things worse anyway. If you are truly seething and you can feel that it won’t get better, it’s better to just wait until you feel a shift.

Find Another Way To Vent That Anger: As tempting as it is to engage in order to fuel a confrontation, in my experience, there are better ways to release that anger. It took me far too long to realize that physical exercise was one of the most effective ways to do this. I sometimes found tranquility in classical music, doing crafts, or journaling. But exercise was the option that allowed me to dwell the least, which is why I came to prefer it.

Know That As Things Get Better, Your Anger May Fade: When you are in the middle of a separation, it can feel like nothing is ever going to change. You can start to believe that things are only going to deteriorate from here. But things do sometimes get better. In time, both people can come to communicate better and to allow the pettiness and resentment to drop away. When this happens, there isn’t the need for anger. And it really does feel so good to just drop it. Sometimes, you just have to know that better days are likely ahead. Being in a state of constant anger is no fun and is draining. As often as you can, give yourself beautiful, uplifting, comforting things to experience and know that in time, things will likely shift and won’t feel as immediate. Give it some time. But also tell yourself that feelings don’t necessarily translate into actions. Sure, you may feel angry. But that doesn’t mean you have to act on the anger. You just have to find the most positive way to release it so that you can move toward better days.

But yes, when my separation was fresh, I had plenty of anger and resentment.  I had to stop clinging to so many things in order to make progress on both myself and on my marriage.  Once I realized this, many obstacles fell away and we eventually reconciled.  The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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